When I found myself at The Mind Body Spirit Festival in Melbourne with my then-boyfriend of six months. I was at a crossroads in the relationship. Even though we had incredible sex and palpable chemistry, I felt off. You know the feeling.
But I really liked him.
So I decided to let fate reveal our future. I found a Tarot Reader at the festival while he kept himself occupied with other stalls. To my surprise, the reader told me that he loved me. That he adores me and wants to have children with me. That he was the one who was waiting for me because I was the one who wasn’t all in.
That was a bit spicy, I know. It's only 'cause I love ya and I know that you know that YOU'RE READY. You're ready to stop with the bandaids and ready to resolve the core patterns that create anxiety, insecuirty and distrust in men.
So at that moment, I made the decision to go ALL IN. I figured the cards said it. It must be true.
I didn’t know this then but I think life has a funny way of telling you the things you need to hear, to lead you back to the most powerful truth of all. On the car ride home, he broke up with me.
The irony was that I didn’t really want to be with him and yet I was devastated. When we got back to my house I was piled up in a heap on the floor, sobbing and begging him not to leave. He assured me that his mind was made up and as he proceeded to walk out the door, I knew that this was it. I wasn’t devastated because he left. I was devastated at the endless loop I was somehow caught in; terrified that I was destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
I opened up Facebook to distract myself and saw a post from a woman sharing her experience at a Yoga & Meditation Retreat in Koh Phangan. She wrote that she suffered from severe depression but that this retreat was her saving grace. It just so happened that I had no stripping gigs booked for the next six weeks. I had the money. Everything lined up and all signs pointed to go.
It was the first time I travelled on my own and I went straight into the deep end. I had absolutely no idea what I was in for. I learnt Tantra, inner child work, masculine and feminine energy and eye gazing. The first time I let someone look deep into my eyes without wavering, I had a panic attack. Everything I had unknowingly buried came up and I very quickly became aware of what was really going on.
Up until that point I dated for sport. I sought out men who I had great sexual chemistry with but I never thought about values, deal-breakers or boundaries. I constantly blamed the world for the lack of real love and quality men in my life, thinking to myself that there were somehow just not enough men. I thought that they were the ones that didn’t know how to be vulnerable, emotionally intelligent or how to step up. When I wasn’t angry, I was afraid. Afraid that no one would want to be with me because I was just a stripper and that I was doomed to a fate of loneliness, rejection and despair.
At the retreat, there was a practitioner who spoke about forgiveness. There’s an old saying that the act of forgiveness isn’t about the other that we believe has wronged us but really about creating the inner peace that we deserve. He told me that I had to forgive. Forgive everyone that I had anger and resentment towards; my past partners, my father, my mother and most importantly, myself.
I developed a deep compassion for myself and began expressing my emotions, rather than shutting down. I began tuning in to my body and dissecting the stories that had been running my psyche. When I began dismantling the stories, my life profoundly changed. I no longer recognised the woman standing in the mirror before me. For perhaps the first time in my entire life I felt at home in my body; in true love and acceptance for all the parts of me.
It was at this moment that I realised I had to teach what I had learnt to women.
and finally let down the shield of “the cool girl”, allowing the real me to be seen in all her glory.
I connected with my heart and my true authentic sexual expression. I let go of the stories I had around men. I stopped blaming and demonising them. Instead, I started to see them for their sensitivity, their hearts and their generosity. I saw how much they wanted to love, provide and protect.
At the end of all of this came a profound realisation. I had dedicated myself to becoming a different person so that I could finally be worthy of love. But what I had been ultimately looking for was there all along. Our journeys are not to find the answers we are looking for but to remember what we once buried deep within ourselves; what we have always known but perhaps have forgotten.
My entire journey wasn’t about learning how to become more feminine, how to integrate the masculine or about becoming worthy. Everything I had done brought me back to the realisation that I’m worthy of love no matter what. It didn’t matter if I was a stripper, or what my attachment style was or even if I made mistakes. I am worthy of love simply because I exist. I am whole and everything is already perfect.
…..and in this state of love and acceptance of the self, in this state of remembrance, we are our most authentic selves. From here we attract the people into our lives who reflect the way that we feel about ourselves.
My signature program is called The Connected Woman, to remind women everywhere that what we deeply long for is simply connection to ourselves. That in every day, every moment and every interaction we have the freedom to choose to be our most authentic selves.