Hello, my loves. Today, I’m joined by an unexpected guest…my dearest friend, Caitlin Hosking.

Caitlin describes herself as a business coach to badass bitches. She also has a shadow work certification, and I just love when you get to put business and shadow work together. She’s a total badass herself, and I love her…

But if you’d checked in with us just a short time ago, you wouldn’t have found a thriving friendship. Actually, you would’ve found us both blocked from each other’s social medias, deep in the throes of a friendship breakup.

Obviously, we’ve since repaired that friendship. But in the midst of it, I found there wasn’t a lot out there about reconciling with a friend…so I think it’s time we fixed that.

The Recap

Michelle: So, a few episodes back, I spoke about reconciling with a friend.

I did not give context as to who that was, but you guys decided to play detective, and a few of you figured it out. But just to recap for everyone:

Caitlin and I have been friends since 2018. We met at life coaching school, and we were besties from day one. But just over a year ago, I ended the friendship…and while there were obviously reasons for that, it was hard for both of us.

I kept thinking about Caitlin for months after that. I really, really wanted to connect with her again, but like I shared a couple episodes ago, there needs to be a deeper reason behind a desire for reconciling with a friend beyond just missing them. So I was very conscious that if I was going to reach out, because we literally hadn’t spoken in about a year, I needed to be mindful of where that desire was coming from…and how it could potentially land for her.

She could have received it in multiple ways. She could have told me to get fucked. She could have chosen not to respond. She could have been open to having a conversation, but still not wanted to rebuild the friendship.

So all this was in my head, and I hadn’t chosen to act yet. But by a twist of fate, Drew and I were at a tantra temple, and one of Caitlin’s closest friends was there. Her and I kind of knew each other, so she came up and said hi. I asked about Caitlin, and it was really emotional, and after that, I really felt like reconciliation was the way to go.

Still, I sat with it for a week, because you never want to choose to try reconciling with a friend from a reactive state. I wanted to make sure I was coming from a really grounded place.

In the end, when I reached out, I did not talk to anyone about it. I didn’t talk to my mentor. I didn’t talk to Drew. I knew the decision about reconciling with a friend had to come from me. And when I did reach out, Caitlin was actually receptive, and we were able to rekindle our friendship.

All that to say, the reason I wanted to share about this is because friendship breakups happen all the time, but I’ve literally never heard someone talk about reconciling with a friend. Have you, Caitlin?

Caitlin: Not like this. I find that when friendships break up, people usually just phase out. They don’t actually have a conversation about not being friends anymore. That kind of conversation is reserved for intimate partners, apparently.

There’s no conversation, and there’s usually no attempt at reconciling with a friend…and if there is, they just act like the “breakup” never happened.

Michelle: I’ve never heard anything about it either. And as this was happening in my mind, I was looking on TikTok and searching for advice on how to go about reconciling with a friend, and I couldn’t find shit. So I guess we’re pioneering this!

No Punishment

Michelle: Firstly, when it comes to reconciling with a friend, you need to own your own part in the relationship ending…but don’t take their stuff on.

Because I was the one who ended it, I knew my tendency would be to go, “Okay, it was all my fault, don’t worry about anything you did.” So I was very aware of that when we were going to have that conversation. I knew I needed to take responsibility for my shit, but I didn’t want to take responsibility for Caitlin’s stuff, because there was shit on both sides.

We even both agreed in that conversation that the first version of that friendship needed to die.

Caitlin: A hundred percent. I said that in my message back to you. Even though I didn’t like the way it ended, I did agree it needed to end.

And similar to you, I didn’t want to take responsibility for what wasn’t mine. I left my partner once, and when we got back together, I remember thinking, “I’m not going to sit here and tell myself that I’m the problem, and now I have to cop to all this shit because I was the one that left.” That wasn’t what I wanted then, and it wasn’t what I wanted in our friendship.

I don’t need to be punished, and neither do you. If you are choosing to rekindle something with someone and you cannot let go of the resentment and you want to punish them…do not be there.

There’s no point in punishing them. You’re just making yourself suffer, and you’re going to end up fucking the friendship or relationship again.

So I was willing to have a really hard conversation, but I was not going to move forward if I felt there was resentment or spitefulness.

A few weeks ago, Michelle actually asked, “Is there any like part of you that still wants to get revenge?” And I was like, “No, I just wouldn’t be here.” This feels super clean, but it wouldn’t if I was just sticking around to punish her and treat her badly.

Owning Your Shit

Michelle: So while I didn’t take responsibility for what wasn’t mine, when she did say she wanted to have a conversation, and we decided to do it in person, I did drive to her. It was two and a half hours away from me, but I was the one who ended it and then reached out, so I wasn’t about to be like, “Cool. When are you coming to the Gold Coast?”

Anyways, when we were having this conversation, Caitlin asked me, “What have you reflected on in the relationship? Tell me where you think you were the problem,” essentially.

We’re not going to get into specifics, because some things need to remain private, but I listed a few things, and then she pulled out a journal. She had written notes of everything that she felt I needed to take responsibility for in order for us to move forward, and I had pretty much said everything that was on the list.

Caitlin: Right. And I wrote those down to keep me on track, because I know I also tend to fall into a pattern of over-responsibility. I always go, “How am I the problem? How am I contributing to this?”

So during our friendship, I would always try to do that, because I wanted to be self-responsible. And whilew that wasn’t a bad thing, it took away the clarity of what was and wasn’t mine.

Radical Transparency

Caitlin: From there, when reconciling with a friend, I really think it’s important to get clear on what standards you actually have in your friendships that are really important for you to feel safe.

For me, my biggest value is emotional safety, and I just will not fuck with people who do not provide that for me. And the biggest way they can provide that is through radical transparency.

Michelle: Right. And there’s a difference between transparency and honesty. Transparency is coming right out and saying, “Hey, this is what’s here for me” without waiting on the other person to notice something is up.

In our friendship, we would run this pattern of having something there, but instead of saying it, we’d avoid the other person for a bit until they asked what was up, and then we would tell the truth.

So we were being honest, but only because the other asked. We weren’t directly bringing it to the other person. And by the time the other person asked, we were already so fucking heightened and wound up that it wouldn’t come out in a clean way at all.

Caitlin: Right. That’s something I’ve really cultivated with other friendships in my life, and  when dealing with reconciling with a friend on this level, I just wanted to have that conversation and establish that with you. So I spoke about my other friendships and how they looked and the pieces that I really loved about them, and I was like, “This is my standard. This is what I need moving forward.” When you’re reconciling with a friend, you don’t want to jump right back into the same dynamic.

Want the Full Story?

As a woman, female friendships are so fucking nourishing, and I’m really grateful that we were able to navigate the process of reconciling with a friend successfully…and the behind-the-scenes story behind that, by the way? Fucking wild.

We couldn’t fit everything in here, so to hear the full story—and get a peek at how reconciling with a friend might play out in real life—you need to listen to Episode 153 of Unf*ck Your Relationships.

WORK WITH CAITLIN:

Take Caitlin’s FREE training: https://academy.shadowalchemycoaching.com/wealthy-worthy/

CONNECT WITH CAITLIN:

Follow Caitlin on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/complete_bycaitlin/ 

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join The Connected Woman EXPERIENCE: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com