Hello, my loves. Today, we’re going to be talking about the things that women tend to do that fuck up their chances of getting a guy to commit.

And when I say getting a guy to commit, I don’t want to do this through a manipulative lens. This isn’t intended to help anyone “trap” a man. But if you want to get a guy to commit, there are things you can do…and if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, there are things you definitely shouldn’t do.

Storytime…

Let’s start by telling a universal story that many of us can relate to…

Let’s say you’ve decided it’s time to put yourself out there. You’re going all in. You are putting yourself on the line. You know your standards. You desire something monogamous and committed, and you’re going for it.

You meet someone in person, online, through a friend, whatever it is. You set up a date. He’s led the entire time—he planned everything, he made the reservation, etcetera. It feels like a breath of fresh air.

The conversations that you guys are having online feel so enriching. He’s asking you questions, he’s taking an interest, he’s very respectful…he’s not asking for pictures or making sexual innuendos or doing anything fucking weird. You’re excited to see where this goes.

So you arrive at your date, and you have instant chemistry. You’re very physically attracted to him, the chat is off the charts, he’s being so respectful to the wait staff, all the things. He pays for everything and says he wants to see you again. He’s all around a genuinely nice guy. And you’re thinking, “Where have you been?”

Afterwards, he’s continuing to talk to you. He’s being consistent. He’s leaning in. He’s complimenting you. He’s planned your second date. Everything feels very different compared to every man that you’ve met prior to this…

But after a few weeks, fear starts to set in.

 “Oh God, is this too good to be true?  What if he leaves? I really like him. I haven’t been in a situation like this in a while. What do I do?” 

So even though you have been chill this whole time, feeling very secure in the connection, you now have this fear set in. You want to do everything in your power to make sure that you don’t lose him.

So what do you do? You start leaning in a bit more. You start doing things for him. You start acting like a girlfriend when you haven’t had that discussion. You want to cook, you want to arrange things, you want to plan…you start acting like a girlfriend or a wife even though you don’t actually have that title.

All of the sudden, you’re noticing that the more that you lean in, he’s not texting as much. He’s not making plans as much. If you guys are continuing to go on dates, you’re really having to light a fire under his ass to get it going, or you’re having to initiate. The compliments have slowed down. He’s making excuses, or he’s taking a lot longer to respond to you than he previously had been.

Finally, the tension gets so big you have to have the conversation…and he says the words you’ve been dreading.

“I just don’t want a relationship.”

What NOT To Do

When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, first of all, you need to understand what’s happening in your system.

Attachment can happen very, very, very quickly when oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, and all these other chemicals are flooding your body. Those chemicals are designed to do that so that we pair with people, have sex with them, have babies, and make sure the entire species survives.

So remember, if you’ve formed an attachment to this guy, you’re designed to do this. There’s nothing fucked up or wrong about you for being attached to someone who’s giving you attention. But we need to sort a few things out about responding when he doesn’t want a relationship.

Now, I know that you’re an intelligent human. I know that if you were not in this heightened state, you would be like, “Okay, cool. He doesn’t want a relationship. I’m going to go find someone that does.”

But in the moment when he says he doesn’t want a relationship, you don’t have access to your rational mind. You immediately panic and go into “DON’T LEAVE ME!” mode, especially if you have anxious attachment.

It’s all normal. But that doesn’t mean we want to go with our instinctive reaction. So here’s what not to do when he doesn’t want a relationship…

Don’t Negotiate

First of all, when he says he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t try to convince him otherwise.

The guy that I was dating right before Drew did this, although he wasn’t really leaning out, which is why it came as such a shock to me.

We were about to go on a date. We’d been seeing each other for maybe a month, and he was just picking me up to go on our date, and he suddenly went, “We need to talk.”

My heart fucking sank. And he followed it up with, “Yeah, I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

I immediately went into, “But maybe you are. We have something so special. You don’t want to lose this like a connection like this!”

I’m exaggerating a little. But I really did tell him that we had something so special, something that doesn’t come around all the time, and why would he want to throw that away?

I really tried to convince him. And I’ll be honest; I was not grounded in that moment. I was not okay. I was crying. I was doing the most—not intentionally, I was just very upset. A few days later, we had a phone call because I needed closure, and I was still trying to convince him. I really tried to be very logical and grounded and almost stoic about it. I can’t even describe how fucking weird it was. But he was like “No, I’ve made my decision. I know that I will probably regret this and you will probably go on to meet someone in the next couple of months and go on to marry them, but I’ve made my decision.”

And you know what? I met Drew a few weeks later.  We are two years into our relationship now, and the ring is somewhere in this house. So he was correct. In the end, I’m very grateful that he did that, because otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am today.

So, don’t do that. When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t try to convince him otherwise.

Don’t Trauma-splain Him

Next thing: if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t try and tell him that it’s because of his trauma. Don’t try to trauma-splain him and tell him he’s just scared of love, and that by being with you, he would overcome his fear of intimacy.

I also did this to another guy years back; I was so hell-bent on being in a relationship with him, and he did not want that. We really did have a wonderful connection—to this day, it’s one of the deepest connections I’ve had with someone. But he told me he can’

My response to that was, “But this is your fear of being loved! This is your fear of having to open up to someone and risk being abandoned and risk being hurt. This is your fear of intimacy. And if we could just be together, we could transcend your fear of intimacy.”

Needless to say, we’re not together, and never were.

If someone tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, maybe he does have a fear of intimacy…but that’s not your work to get lost in. If that’s why he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s his shit; if he wants to work on it, he will. He might regret saying he doesn’t want a relationship with you, but that’s not for you to decide…and I’ll be honest, it’s going to make you look real fucking desperate. So don’t do that.

Don’t Double Back

This is a big one. When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, do not ignore your true desires and say, “Yeah, me neither. I’m so fine with casual.”

If you’re not fine with casual, don’t say you’re fine with casual. I think a lot of people can convince themselves that they’ll just maintain a friendship with someone or they’ll go back to a situationship rather than standing their ground for what they truly want, but it’s not good for anyone.

What I have seen with clients time and time again is that when someone tells them he doesn’t want a relationship, and they actually hold true to their standards and say, “I’m not available for this”…within a month, they met someone who was fucking all in.

The more that you entertain the motherfucker who won’t commit and insists he doesn’t want a relationship, you leave no space for someone else to come in.

If he doesn’t want a relationship and you are genuinely okay with having casual sex, by all means, be my guest, use a condom.  Outside of that, if you are not okay with that, don’t do it. You are only setting yourself up to hurt your own goddamn feelings.

At the end of the day, if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, you say you’re okay with casual, and it turns out to be a dumpster fire, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Don’t Play The Jealousy Game

Lastly, if he doesn’t want a relationship, do not try make him jealous by dating other guys.

Now, this is nuanced; sometimes you want to date other guys in this situation, but not when it’s coming from a manipulative energy.

When you’re dating other guys to show him how amazing you are and make him jealous, it’s not going to work, because anyone can smell that shit from a mile away.

Men are not stupid. They can sense your energy. If you’re doing it from a space of manipulation, firstly, it’s not going to get you the desired outcome. And secondly, think about how fucked up that is to the people that you’re dating. You’re literally using them to get back at this other guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship.

If a guy was using you just so he could get a woman that he actually wanted to be with, you would feel very used. You would think that was incredibly insensitive and cruel. So let’s not be that person.

But What SHOULD You Do?

So, now we know what NOT to do in order to get a man to commit…but what SHOULD you do to get a man to commit?

Well, the first thing you should do is head to the Unf*ck Your Relationships podcast and listen to Episode 154. I’m going to go over what you shouldn’t do in more detail…and get into the shit you SHOULD be doing if you want to attract a man who’s ready to go all-in.

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