Hello, my loves. I have a bit of a rant to offer you today about something nobody likes to look at too closely: the selfish side of people-pleasing.

TikTok Triggers

I want to preface this by saying that if you are not following me on Tik Tok, please go do so. It’s the same as my Instagram handle, @michellepanning. It’s a vibe.

The reason I mention it is because one of my reels is going viral—well, according to me, anyway. It’s got over 100,000 views at the time I’m writing this, which is so cool…but it turns out, that much visibility comes hand-in-hand with a lot of negativity.

And by a lot of negativity, I mean that people on TikTok are a fucking different breed, y’all.

If you haven’t seen it here or on my socials, I recently went through a practice where I did 30 days of rejection therapy. And as I’ve been doing that, I’ve been posting on Instagram and TikTok, and what I learned is…TikTok is its own form of rejection therapy. Seriously, people are fucking savage on there. 

Now, having said that, I want to add that 90% of the stuff that I’m getting on there is amazing. I’ve gotten plenty of comments like…

“Oh my God, I wish I could do this. You’re inspiring me.”

“This is amazing. I’m going to follow along.”

“Can you give me the list of things to do for rejection therapy? Can we get the spreadsheet?”

And then there are the absolute Karens crashing the party with comments like…

“You are literally traumatizing people.”

“You’re putting people on the spot. That’s traumatizing to them.”

“You’re making other people uncomfortable for your own personal gain.”

This is what I have to say to that: if you having to say no to someone is such an issue, you need a fucking therapist.

Full stop. If it’s that traumatizing, you need a coach. You need a mentor. You need to come

into The Experience. Come work with me for a year so we can completely fucking dissolve that, because you having to say no to someone should not be the end of the fucking world.

If You Can’t Say No, That’s Your Problem

The reason that I did this rejection therapy in the first place was not because I have an issue personally with getting rejected. The reason I’m doing this is to show you that you’re not going to die from rejection. Life will resume as normal afterward, and you will be okay.

But instead of seeing that, people are taking it so out of context and telling me that I am putting strangers on the spot and making them feel so guilty that they are being traumatized.

Do you know what that’s called? Do you know what taking responsibility for the feelings of others is? It’s called people-pleasing.

When you are taking responsibility for the feelings of others, that is called fucking people-pleasing. Because essentially what these people are saying is, “You should not ask for your needs to be met. Don’t ask for things that you want, because you might make someone else feel uncomfortable.”

Guess what?

Your discomfort is not my fucking problem.

If you feel that uncomfortable with rejecting someone, that’s a you problem. And if you’re holding back on asking for what you want because you’re afraid to make someone uncomfortable, that’s a problem, too.

The video currently going viral is of me asking a stranger for $100. He said no. I said “Okay, no problem.” And you know what happened next?

We just walked away. His life went on. My life went on. He was not bothered. He was not angry. He simply said no and moved on. I was rejected and moved on.

We’re so fucking self-absorbed that we think just because we would feel uncomfortable with someone asking us something, everybody else will feel uncomfortable, too. So what, we’re just supposed to hold back on what we want or need on the off chance that it’s going to make someone uncomfortable?

Here’s what I want you to do: stop treating everyone like a fucking broken bird that can’t speak for themselves. 

There was one video where I asked for a hug, and the woman said no. And that one stung a bit, but she used her voice. She stated her boundary. And I don’t want to hug someone who doesn’t want to hug me. It worked out for both of us.

How much do we fucking cockblock ourselves because we’re so afraid to make somebody else uncomfortable? When they are literally whole adults who are more than capable of saying no?

The Selfish Shadow of People-Pleasing

Brace yourselves for this one. It’s not going to be easy to swallow.

People-pleasing is the most selfish thing on the planet.

We trick ourselves with people-pleasing so easily. We say stuff like, “I don’t want to do this because I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” but it’s bullshit. You are bullshitting yourself.

The truth is, yes, they might feel uncomfortable…but that in turn would make you feel uncomfortable, and you don’t want to feel uncomfortable. So you’re actually trying to avoid your own discomfort, not theirs. Or if someone asks something of you, and you just automatically say yes, you’d love to do that for them, when you really would rather be doing anything else…that’s also a selfish move.

People-pleasing is entirely about you.

By people-pleasing, you’re showing that you are actually willing to lie to someone’s face to be seen as a good or kind person.

You are willing to straight up lie to someone’s face so that you can be seen as a good person. I really want you to let that land. People-pleasing is not a fucking flex. 

You can be a kind person and still say no. You can be a generous person and still set boundaries. Lying to people to manipulate them into seeing you a certain way? That doesn’t exactly scream good person.

Discomfort Does Not Equal Trauma

In addition, I want to make something clear…it’s okay to feel uncomfortable.

I’m seeing a pattern emerge in the personal development industry where so many people have become, for lack of a better term, absolute snowflakes. Everything’s a fucking trauma now.

I’m not negating the impact of trauma. That is very, very serious. I work with people who have experienced trauma. I’ve experienced trauma. I would imagine you’ve experienced trauma. We’ve all experienced trauma…but not every fucking uncomfortable feeling is because of a fucking trauma.

Just because you’re having a little bit of discomfort over saying no to someone doesn’t mean you need to trace it back to your fucking intergenerational trauma. We don’t need to do that.

If you feel discomfort, you’re going to be fine. If you feel anxiety, you’re going to be fine. If you feel an uncomfortable feeling for a hot minute…it’s going to be fine.

It’s okay to be scared to ask for something, particularly if you’re not practiced in asking for your needs to be met or asking for what you want. But that doesn’t mean you don’t ask.

Before I asked for a hundred dollars, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt anxious before I did it, I did it, and then I went back to baseline. I survived.

In this day and age, we’re so afraid of feeling stress. It’s okay if you have a stress response. No, you shouldn’t be living in a state of chronic stress, but if you are at baseline and then you go into stress because you’re experiencing something uncomfortable, that’s not something to fix. It’s normal.

If we didn’t have the ability to go into stress, we would not fear anything. You would walk to the edge of a cliff and be like, “Hmm, what would happen if I jumped? I have no fear.”  And you would jump, and then you would die. We need that fear response.

So stop being so afraid of being under stress. Stop being so afraid of anxiety. They’re very good cues, and we can work through them. They do not have to be dictators for how we make decisions and how we behave.

Emotions are just information. Sensations in the body are just information. Feelings are not facts.

If you have anxiety and it says, “Oh, you shouldn’t do this thing,” that does not mean you should trust your body and not do that thing. It means you should sit and get curious and go “Huh,  I’m having a strong stress response to this. What’s behind that?”

Why is it so hard for you to say no? Why does that create such a reaction in you? Instead of avoiding asking for what you need out of people-pleasing (or getting so fucking triggered by a stranger on the internet asking people for money), maybe try getting curious first.

And remember, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable…and that doesn’t just apply to you. You’re not responsible if someone else feels uncomfortable with having to reject you. You are still allowed to ask for what you want. Show people-pleasing the fucking door.

If they say no (and they might) then guess what? Life will go on. You will survive.

And if you don’t believe me…head over to my TikTok. I’ve got 30 days’ worth of proof.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY, a 6-week course on becoming the main character of your life and stepping into delusional confidence: https://michellepanning.com/main-character-energy

Are you a woman with all the knowledge, but none of the embodiment? Are you ready to remember who TF you are? Then you need to sign up for ALCHEMY – THE RETREAT: https://michellepanning.my.canva.site/alchemy 

Join The Connected Woman EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com