Hello, my loves. Today, I’m so excited to welcome one of my very, very long-term clients here, Ashley Labutte!

Ashley has been in my world for over two years now. She is a personal power restoration mentor, the founder of Snail Mail Sisterhood, and the host of the Power Up Yourself podcast.

She’s accomplished so much, and it’s inspired me to have this conversation about how doing the work impacts your entire life.

Ashley, the first thing you would have started doing the work in was The Connected Woman, right?

Ashley: Yeah, Connected Woman was the first!

If I’d never started doing the work through your programs, Snail Mail Sisterhood would not be here. I would not be coaching. I would not have a podcast. I wouldn’t be living by myself. I wouldn’t be with the therapist that I have. Doing the work changed so many things.

You think you’re doing the work in Michelle’s world looking for a relationship with some other person, but in reality, you’re doing the work to fall in love with yourself.

So many people forget to love themselves. But when you love yourself, that’s when you start attracting all these incredible connections.

The Before

Michelle: So, let’s start with where you were before doing the work. Can you paint us a little picture of what your life looked like then?

Ashley: It looked so much different. I would binge eat. I lived with my parents. And I wanted a guy, but I would never go on dates.

Finally, I had to sit with myself and go, “Ashley, you have to go on a fucking date with someone. If you want a relationship, you have to speak to a man.” I swear, I thought, a man would just appear in my bedroom. Seriously.

I thought I didn’t have to be doing the work, but in reality…you very much have to be doing the work.

When I went into The Connected Woman, I started by saying, “I can’t find a guy because I’m one of the guys.”  And the funny thing is, it was because I would hang in with the guys. I would go out to the bar with the guys. They were all just my friends, or I would friendzone them.  And now, that thought doesn’t even cross my path.

I know what kind of man I deserve, and I know each date that I go on brings me closer to the guy that I’m meant to be with.

But before that, even when I did start taking dating seriously, it took me a lot to actually go on the dates, because I was terrified I was going to get ghosted, or that they’d end up being someone other than who they said they were.

You hear so many stories around dating. People tell you these guys are not good, or they’re just going to want you for sex. But none of that stuff is happening, because I don’t allow it. I have boundaries that are set up.

I put those in place because I’ve gone on dates where I have been put in uncomfortable situations, and I literally hated myself because I let them crush my boundaries.

But now when I say no, it means no. I’m not going to cave. Either I can love myself and what I’m holding and be true to myself, or I can give them the power to decide if I get a gold star or not. That star is mine to give away—I’ve always given it to them because I want them to give me the gold star, but why can’t I give myself the gold star? Why do I have to compromise my boundaries to get back what I gave them in the first place?

In addition, I can now see where people are mirroring things in my life. I was so afraid of getting ghosted, and I actually had an instance where someone did end up ghosting me.

We were talking, we were supposed to go out…but then they didn’t actually show up.

I could’ve let that ruin my dating experience, but instead I sat there and went, “Where am I not showing up for myself in my life? This person is essentially showing  me something about myself, because this person is being a mirror.”

In that moment, I went, “I’m not holding myself true to what I want to be doing. I’m hitting the snooze all the time. I am not who I am normally. I need to change that. And I’m truly thankful for that moment, because it made me realize I was ghosting myself in reality. He brought that to light.

The After

Michelle: So with that realization, is that when you started the business and the podcast and all of that?

Ashley: I’d say that’s more in the middle. I was gung-ho when I wanted to start my business. When I was taking the baby steps of  figuring it all out and solidifying my mission, I was all in.

But after that came a period where I was stuck. That’s when I really came to realize, “Hey, if you actually want to keep doing the work, you actually have to show up for yourself. You can’t keep ghosting yourself. You can’t keep saying, “Hey, I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to do it,” and then backing out on yourself.

For example, I used to use my weight as an excuse. And that is what it is—an excuse. But  I had to realize that I had the option of doing something to change that.

I was doing CrossFit for a while, but I just didn’t feel called for that. I wasn’t making the progress I wanted. So I got rid of CrossFit, and instead, I went up to Planet Fitness and signed up there. I just wanted to lift weights with myself and not have the community anymore.

There was a time where it served me being around the CrossFit community. But for now, lifting by myself is the thing that’s calling me. 

It’s really beautiful when you actually start listening to what your body tells you to do, because I already feel so much better just going lifting by myself. I know I’m going to hit my goals. I can feel that there is a new version of myself coming up, because I’m listening to myself instead of staying in my old patterns.

Before, uncomfortable situations like quitting CrossFit would have destroyed me. I thought I was going to be losing all my fiends, losing everything I knew, and end up in completely unknown territory.

Instead, after doing the work, I’m able to just go with it. I can say, “Fuck it all. I’m just going to do what’s best for me.”

The Connected Woman

Michelle: If someone is on the fence about joining The Connected Woman or The Experience, whether because they’re unsure about the commitment to doing the work or the investment, what words of advice do you have for them?

Ashley: Just do it. And when you do it, don’t think you can just throw the money in and make it happen—you only get the results by doing the work. It’s not going to be magic. You signing up does not get you your money’s worth automatically. You actually have to put the work in.

But if you’re willing to put the work in, then put the money in without question. Because you can look back on this in a year from the same damn place and think, “Wow, I wish I’d started then,” or you could be propelled forward exponentially between now and then.

Even if you come in and only do one module, you’re going to learn something from that. Even if you did one module, you’ll sign up again, and then you can get further. I’ve been through the program more than once, and I’ve learned new things every single time.

If you don’t sign up, you’re essentially telling yourself that you’re content with your life as it is.

That’s what I would ask yourself: are you content with your life, truly? If the answer is no, then I would sign up for The Connected Woman.

Michelle: I always say it’s for the woman who knows she’s meant for more. Like, maybe life is fine. You’re not drowning or anything. But you just know that there’s bigger things for you.

Ashley: I always say that when people say that they’re fine, they’re half-dead too. So are you half-dead? And are you all right with staying that way?

Michelle: Oh my god, I love that. Thank you, Ashley, for being here. It has been incredible.

Join the Sisterhood!

This isn’t even half the conversation Ashley and I had over on the podcast, and trust me, this girl has so much more of her incredible story to share…including a first date story that had me laughing my ass off in the best way.

In the meantime, head down to the links below to get connected with Ashley. I especially encourage you to get tf into the Snail Mail Sisterhood—we all know how exciting it is to get an actual letter these days, and to get uplifting letters from other women all around the world? Unbeatable. I’ve signed up myself, and I can’t wait to get my first letter!

WORK WITH ASHLEY:

Website: ashleylabutte.com

CONNECT WITH ASHLEY:

Join SNAIL MAIL SISTERHOOD: snailmailsisterhood.com 

Listen to POWER UP YOURSELF: https://open.spotify.com/show/6GrGUbBJll3Y3Q0JXImh29 

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow-work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com