If you’re reading this, it’s probably for two reasons:

One, you probably want to unfuck your relationships. Wild guess.

And two, you probably have anxious attachment.

You Do Not Need Fixing

Having have worked with hundreds and hundreds of women on their anxious attachment, I have seen a common theme of women feeling like they are broken. Like something is inherently “wrong” with them because of their anxious attachment and the behaviors that stem from it.

Maybe you are really needy. Maybe you are really clingy. Maybe you get overly emotional. Maybe you project a lot. Maybe you engage in protest behavior. Maybe you try to you’re your partner jealous.

No matter what it is, it results in you going, “Wow, something is wrong with me. I am flawed. I need fixing.”

I’m going to say it once and only once:

You do not need fixing.

Are there behaviors that you could clock, own, and clean up? Absolutely. I’ve been there. But that constant shame cycle will get you stuck in this perpetual healing journey.

When you get trapped in that cycle, instead of learning the tools from a space of, “I have these behaviors and these belief patterns which are not supporting me in what I ultimately desire, which is a safe, happy, fulfilling, secure relationship. So what do I need to learn in order to have what I want?” it comes from a space of, “I’m so fucking broken. This is going to be the thing to fix me. It has to be.”

This podcast is not going to “fix” you. The Connected Woman’s not going to do it. The Experience is not going to do it. The millions of personal development books you have on your shelf are not going to do it.

Why not? Because nothing coming from that energy of “I am a piece of shit and I need to fix myself” is going to actually help you.

So let’s drop the shame. Let’s drop the self-judgment. I want to get that out there first.

Anxious Attachment Myths

Anxious Attachment = Needy and Clingy

Anxious attachment myth number one: people who are anxiously attached are just needy and clingy. 

That is not true. Do you sometimes act needy? Yes. Do you sometimes engage in very clingy behavior? Double yes.  But it’s not coming from an inherent neediness in you. It is coming from this attachment style that is freaking the fuck out at all times.

It doesn’t mean you are too much. It means is your nervous system does not know how to regulate itself. Basically, your body is screaming for safety, security, and reassurance, and rather than being able to source that within yourself, you’re looking to your partner to fulfill that need.

You’ll Never Have a Healthy Relationship

Anxious attachment myth number two: if you’re anxiously attached, you’ll never have a healthy relationship.

Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. This is absolutely not true.

Having anxious attachment does not mean that you are destined to have shitty relationships forever or that you don’t deserve a secure relationship.

Your attachment style can change. I’m living proof of it. I have hundreds of clients who have done it. Anxious attachment is not a death sentence—it’s a pattern. It’s an attachment style that can be healed.

This is what’s so beautiful about the brain: thanks to neuroplasticity, we as humans are malleable. By doing this work, you are able to shift those patterns and thoughts and behaviors.

Anxious Attachment = “Just How Women Are”

Myth number three: anxious attachment is a women’s issue. That’s just how women are.

Blech. No. No, no, no, no, no.

First off,  there are plenty of men who are anxiously attached. I haven’t met very many of them, because I was anxiously attached when I was dating, so I really wasn’t their cup of tea. But I also work with a lot of avoidant women who can confirm there are a lot of anxious men.

Typically speaking, women tend to be more anxious, and men tend to be more avoidant. But it all depends on how you were brought up and what kind of societal conditioning you went through. There are plenty of men who are anxiously attached, and there are plenty of women who are avoidant as fuck.

It’s been drilled into your head that being emotional or anxious is a women’s problem and that’s just how women are, but that’s not fucking true!

All attachment is about your past experiences and what your nervous system learned about love and safety early on. Each style isn’t exclusive to one gender or the other.

Anxious Attachment = Lack of Trust

Myth number four:  if someone is anxiously attached, it means they don’t trust their partner.

Anxious attachment is not about not trusting your partner; it’s about not trusting yourself.

Now, I’ve said this so many times before, but I’ll say it again: if your man has cheated on you seventeen times and you’re fearful that he’s going to cheat on you again, hey, that’s valid. (And he probably will, btw.) But if there’s no evidence and you’re still absolutely sure he’s going to do it, that’s anxious attachment.

When you have anxious attachment, it feels like the ground is constantly shifting from underneath your feet.

You’re always wondering if you’re enough, if they’re going to leave, if you’re doing something wrong, etcetera.

It’s less about doubting your partner and more about doubting your own worth. “Do I deserve this? Am I worthy of love? Am I going to get hurt here? Can I handle being hurt again?”

Well, you were hurt before, and you’re still here, right? If you’re reading to this, you’re still here. And I’m so grateful that you are, because  you can hopefully learn to build trust within yourself from here. You can build inner security so you can stop spiraling into the worst-case scenario every time that something feels uncertain.

Anxious Attachment = Unstable

Myth number five: anxious attachment means you’re emotionally unstable. 

I know this one like the back of my hand. Something I’ve only really been able to come to terms with over the last two or three years is how deeply I feel.

I’ve come to terms with in the past  two or three years, has been how deeply I feel.

I have very big feelings, but I have tried to unconsciously deny that my entire life. I didn’t want to feel so much, so I would shove down my feelings…and then they would come out as this big explosion and I would freak out over a seemingly small thing.

I was being unstable. I was being emotionally reactive…but it was because up until then,  I was denying how deeply I felt. So if I actually acknowledge when things hurt right when they happen, I can avoid those huge blow-ups.

The foundation of work that we do inside The Connected Woman and inside The Experience is learning how to be with those big emotions so we don’t end up reacting in that unstable way.

The Only Solution: Constant Reassurance

Myth number six:  the only solution to anxious attachment is to find a partner who will constantly reassure you.

This is something I see all the time. Women go, “Oh, he must not be the right guy because he isn’t reassuring me.”

This is why people with anxious attachment tend to go for someone who fucking love-bombs them, but then they often end up with someone who’s more narcissistic or more of a taker.

The guy who was love-bombing you in the beginning was constantly reassuring you. “You’re it. You’re the one. You’re so beautiful. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so special.” It’s everything that your ego and your inner child has wanted to hear for years.

Here’s the thing: reassurance is great. Reassurance is a very healthy, needed, necessary part of relationships. But when you are relying on someone else to show you who you are, to give you your sense of self, to make you feel safe, it’s a ticking time bomb. It creates dependency, and it’s never fucking enough. You’re always going to be chasing the next hit of reassurance to calm your anxiety.

This is why you’ll attract a secure guy and then fucking ruin it and self-sabotage, because you are so afraid that he’s going to leave that you beg for constant reassurance he isn’t going to…which then makes him leave. Because asking someone for constant reassurance is annoying as fuck.

Anxiously Attached People are “Too Emotional”

Last but not least, let’s talk about anxious attachment myth number seven: anxiously attached people are too emotional, and they overreact to everything.

This one might sting a bit, because you probably feel like you are too emotional, and you do overreact to everything. And there might be truth to that.

I don’t like the phrase “too emotional,”  because like I said, having feelings doesn’t mean you’re too emotional. It means you’re fucking alive. So it’s not about the fact that you feel so deeply; it’s about the fact that your body has been trained to go into panic mode when things feel off.

Anxious attachers are hyper-vigilant to any discrepancy between what they’re hearing and what they’re seeing. It’s like we have some psychic sense where we’re very attuned to energy. Someone might be telling you everything’s fine, but your body is saying that everything’s not, and we usually end up being right.

However, it doesn’t mean something huge is wrong. They might just want to chat about something small, but since you’ve built it up so much, you immediately launch into a panic.

The solution, however, is not to shut down or to stop feeling. The solution is to learn how to process your emotions in a healthier way.

It’s okay to be angry.  It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel shame. It’s okay to feel guilt. It’s okay to feel disrespected.  But you need to learn how to process them without blowing up on your partner.

Join TCW now!

If you feel like you have been living under the weight of these myths about anxious attachment,  it is time to fucking let that shit go.

You don’t have to stay stuck in the anxious attachment pattern. You really don’t. You don’t have to keep chasing love that feels inconsistent, confusing, heartbreaking, and you don’t even know how to express your needs or what the fuck your needs even are.

That is not the vibe. I don’t want that for you. I want you to feel grounded and secure in your relationships. And that starts with the relationship you have with yourself.

There’s a reason you’re here. So if you’re ready to take it to the next level, then I invite you to come join me inside The Connected Woman, where we’re breaking all of this shit down. I’m going to give you the tools to completely transform how you show up in love.

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re too much or you’re not enough and you’re sick of repeating the same fucking bullshit, toxic cycles, The Connected Woman is your answer.

This is a space where you’re going to reclaim your power, your worth, your security, your confidence, all of the things.

If you have any questions, DM me on Instagram @michellepanning, or email me at contact@michellepanning.com.  I love you. Have a beautiful day.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow-work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

Are you a woman with all the knowledge, but none of the embodiment? Are you ready to remember who TF you are? Then you need to sign up for ALCHEMY – THE RETREAT: https://michellepanning.my.canva.site/alchemy 

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com