Hello, my loves. I’m so glad you’re here.

I talk a lot about your connection to yourself, and we’ve covered a lot of ground in that regard lately. But today, in the spirit of…well, unf*cking your relationships, we’re going to have a chat about something I see in a lot of relationships: unresolved conflict.

Fighting to Win, Not Fighting to Learn

I was inspired to have this discussion because of a question one of my clients inside my year-long group mentorship program, The Experience, asked me.

This question revolved around how to tackle a source of conflict that keeps coming up.

It’s not a series of new problems—it’s the same fucking issue. They feel like they’re not being heard. They keep looping the same pattern over and over and over.

The biggest reason relationships fall into this pattern is because everyone is fighting  for the “winning” position, whatever that looks like. But here’s the problem with that…

When you’re fighting to win, you’re not fighting to understand.

I shared a solution for unresolved conflict with this client that I understand requires a huge perspective shift, but it really does break this pattern: when trying to find closure with unresolved conflict, you want to spend less time focusing on being understood and more time focusing on understanding.

And like I said, I get it—easier said than done.

Compassion Without Compromise

Try to remember this when working to solve issues with unresolved conflict: we can have compassion for someone whilst simultaneously holding our boundaries.

For example, I remember being in therapy years ago, bitching and moaning about my boyfriend at the time, and my therapist said, “Picture him like a little boy.”

“He is a fucking little boy,” I told her. “He’s acting like a fucking child.”

“No, no, no, Michelle, that’s not what I mean. Literally picture him as a child. See the little boy in him that’s hurting right now, and see how that’s coming out in adult language.”

Um, total mindfuck. My perspective shifted so much when she told me that. I actually started crying, because I’d never thought of it like that. It was all about me and my inner child, not him and his. I wasn’t actually taking the time to understand where he was coming from.

So when you’re playing to win, not playing to understand…you’re always going to lose. Even if you feel like you’ve won, you’ve lost.

You might get to the end of the argument and get the last word in and go “Ha,  see? I’m right. I win.”

Cool. You might be “right,” but have you won?  Because the actual victory would be you and your partner coming back into connection.

There is always a moment where winning that argument feels so fucking good…but it’s also so fucking fleeting. It actually doesn’t feel good after that initial post-argument high.

Getting Out of Gridlock

Even in healthy relationships, you are going to experience both unresolved conflict and conflict you’re able to move through quickly. No matter how healthy your relationship is, there will be certain things in your relationship that you are going to get gridlocked on.

What I mean by “gridlocked” when it comes to unresolved conflict is that you will come to a disagreement, and neither of you will be willing to budge. And when you hit that level of unresolved conflict, where you keep coming back again and again and can’t move past it, you need to look at whether or not that thing that you’re gridlocked on is a non-negotiable for you.

It might be politics. It might be the way that you want to parent. It might be the way you view women’s rights. Whatever it is, there will be certain topics that you discover are actually fucking deal-breakers for you.

If the person is not willing to meet you and you’re not willing to meet them, you will never get past that unresolved conflict. You will keep coming back again and again.

My partner Drew and I, for instance,  had a topic that we were gridlocked on, but it was because we were both refusing to get our heads out of our asses and listen to the other. And when we actually sat down and discussed from a more regulated place, even though I don’t agree with his view on this thing, I can understand where he’s coming from. And he can understand where I’m coming from.

Even though we don’t necessarily agree, it’s not a deal breaker. And that could be the case for you. But you need to get clear on that, and fast, or this unresolved conflict will just keep looping again and again and again.

Come Join Us!

If this resonated with you, I would love to have you join us inside The Experience. These are the kind of topics we deal with. I’m never going to blow smoke up your ass. I’m never going to fuckign judge you. Wherever you’re at, whether you’re single or have been happily married for twenty years, I would love to work with you. This space is about unf*cking your relationshipos, but it’s also about restoring your connection to YOU…and you’ll be amazed how your relationship levels up when you level up yourself.

Access my FREE masterclass, CLINGY TO CONFIDENT, a masterclass made for my anxiously attached babes: https://michellepanning.thrivecart.com/clingy-to-confident/