Hello, my loves. Can you believe it’s almost the end of the year? Where has this year gone?

So, so much has happened this year. And as we’re heading toward 2025, I thought that I would talk about 24 lessons for 2024…particularly for my girlies with anxious attachment.

I know that this time of year hits different for people with anxious attachment. So as we enter 2025 together, I want to make sure that you are going in with the best mindset you can possibly have when it comes to approaching love, sex, relationships, dating, etcetra. Let’s jump right in.

24 Lessons From 2024 For The Anxiously Attached

1. You Cannot Make Someone Love You

Lesson number one: you cannot make someone love you.

Let me say it again, so it really gets through your anxious attachment: No amount of overgiving, bending yourself into a fucking pretzel, being a “good” girl, or whatever it is for you is going to convince someone who doesn’t love you to love you.

Real love does not require convincing. Full stop. No matter what your anxious attachment style tells you, you cannot earn the kind of love you desire—and deserve.

Stop trying to make it happen. It’s not going to happen. And even if it did, would you actually want to be in a relationship with someone that you had to manipulate into being there?

If the only reason he’s there is because you abandoned yourself and you’re not getting any of my needs met, why would you want that?

His love is not the fucking prize. Your love is the prize—not for him, but for yourself.

2. “Mixed Signals” Means No

The next lesson you need to learn if you have an anxious attachment style: “mixed signals” are not actually mixed. Mixed signals just mean “no.”

Did you hear me? Do not continue. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. right? If you feel like you’re constantly having to decode someone’s behavior, that’s not the vibe.

The right relationship for you will feel clear, not confusing. 

3. You Are Not “Too Much”

This is a big one for those with anxious attachment, so listen carefully (or read carefully, as it were): you are not  too much.

You are not too much. Your needs are valid, and anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not your person.

If you’re scared to set a boundary or scared to say, “Hey, I really want this.” Or “Hey, this is really important to me,” then that’s a problem.

It’s really important that we have open, honest communication between us and our partners. That does not make you too much. And if anyone is going to turn that around on you and tell you you’re asking for too much, it’s a good indication they’re probably not your person. 

4. You Want a Calm, Not a High

Number four: the right love is not a high, it’s a calm.

Anxious attachment actually feeds into this one a lot, because your relationships are packed to the brim with adrenaline, whether it’s excitement or fear.

When you are addicted to push-pull relationships, it’s due to the chasing of adrenaline. That makes always feel exciting.

Think about gambling at a casino. The intermittent hit of dopamine is what creates the addiction—if you were constantly winning, that wouldn’t happen, but when you’ve been losing all night and then you suddenly get a win…that hit of adrenaline hooks you.

So when you’re in a relationship where it’s like, “Sometimes he loves me, and sometimes he doesn’t,” that feeling is actually addicting.

That’s not a healthy relationship. The real deal feels secure. It doesn’t feel like a roller coaster.

For someone who’s coming from a long history of anxious attachment in relationships, that might actually feel quite boring at first…but it’s not. It’s just a neutral, pleasant calm.

5. Your Attachment Style is Not Who You Are

And speaking of attachment styles…

Please, for the love of God, stop making your attachment style your entire fucking identity.

Anxious attachment is not a life sentence. You can heal it. We need to stop hiding behind our attachment styles and using them as scapegoats so that we don’t actually have to do the work.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, that’s going to require you to inch yourself towards secure attachment. And healing anxious attachment starts by acknowledging that it is just one part of you.

6. Energy Speaks Louder Than Words

Next up, energy speaks louder than words.

You may know all the right things to say—and this is why I preach about embodiment, because I don’t give a fuck what you know intellectually, I care about your energy—but that doesn’t mean you’re actually in a healthy place.

If you’re saying all these things that a “secure” person would say, but your energy is getting anxious, all that doesn’t matter. All people will feel is your anxiety, your avoidance, whatever it is.

People are much more attuned to energy than you give them credit for. So when you actually do the work and move yourself towards secure attachment and you show up as secure and self-assured, people naturally respond very, very differently to you.

7. Your Relationship Status ≠ Your Self Worth

Your self-worth is not tied to your relationship status.

Read that again, friends with anxious attachment: your self-worth is not tied to your relationship status.

You’re not less-than somehow because you’re single, and you’re not more-than because you’re in a fucking relationship.

You don’t need to be single, in a relationship, married, etcetera. It has nothing to do with your self-worth. Your self-worth is non-negotiable. End of story.  

8. Boundaries = Self Love

Next up: boundaries are an act of self-love.

Setting boundaries might mean saying “no” to the dude who won’t commit to you. It might mean setting a boundary with your mom at Christmas. Whatever it is, boundaries are an act of self-love for yourself—and for others.

People trust you more when they know where your boundaries are. So start practicing saying “no” without explaining or apologizing.

9. Rejection is Protection

This is a hard one, but it’s important: rejection  is  protection.

If someone didn’t choose you, then it was not meant for you.  And I know that can be so difficult, but from someone who has been there a million times: know that there is a reason, even if that fucking isn’t helpful right now, and you can’t know that reason until you look back in hindsight.

There are so many things that have happened in my life that I look back and I go, “I’m so glad that that happened,” even though I was devastated at the time.

Let that person go to make space for what’s right. Because if you have your space completely filled, there’s no space for someone new to come in.

10. How Much You Do Does Not Determine Your Worth

This is another big one for anxious attachment: your worth does not increase depending on how much you do for someone.

Love is not something that is earned through overgiving and sacrificing your needs.  You do not need to be a martyr to get someone to love you.

Like we talked about with not convincing someone to love you, even if you do all the things and give up all the things and it works…you’re not going to trust that love.

It’s not going to feel fulfilling. It’s not going to feel true. In fact, I would argue that if you are sacrificing your needs, that’s not a relationship that’s full of love.

11. Healing Doesn’t Happen in Isolation

Next up: healing doesn’t happen in isolation.

Yes, we want to do the inner work. We want to go all-in on ourselves. But remember, your relationship wounds happened in relationship—they need to be healed in relationship.

And I don’t mean a romantic relationship, FYI, for my girlies who like to relationship hop. It could be a romantic one, but it could also be a friendship. It could be a mentorship if you have a coach or therapist. It could be a whole multitude of things.

So yes, do the inner work…but also don’t forget to connect. You’ll never fully heal your attachment wounds without real-world experiences to rewrite those patterns. 

12. Grieve the Fantasy, Not Just the Person

Next up, when a relationship ends, let yourself grieve the fantasy, not just the person.

Sometimes it’s not just them that you miss; it’s the life that you imagined with them.

Allow yourself to grieve that as well, because that’s challenging. When you thought that you were going to marry this person and have kids with them and move to fucking Bali and whatever else, and then it all ends…that’s devastating. It’s okay to grieve that.

13. Triggers Are Teachers

This one is hard, anxious attachment girlies…

Stop running from your triggers.

What triggers you is your teacher. It is so unrealistic to try to create a world that is absent of triggers.

I see a lot of people do personal development and start getting very boundary-happy. They start throwing boundaries on anyone and everyone who “doesn’t serve” them.

Sometimes those boundaries are incredibly necessary. I would argue that if you come from being a people pleaser and a caretaker, you probably need to set some boundaries. But also, a mild inconvenience is not a  reason for you to set a fucking boundary. Like, get a grip.

Every time you feel that anxious pang,  ask yourself: “What part of me feels unsafe right now? What part of me needs some attention? What part of me needs to be looked at?” rather than looking outside of yourself and going, “Just have to remove the trigger. Remove this person. Oh, I don’t like that behavior. Delete!”

When you identify which part of you feels unsafe and attend to that part, that’s where healing begins. But it won’t happen if you avoid everything that ever makes you uncomfortable.

14. Your Worth is Not Based On How Others Treat You

This is simple: your worth is not dependent on how someone else treats you.

Their behavior is a reflection of them, not you. If someone is gaslighting you or they won’t commit, if they’re lying to you or cheating on you, it doesn’t mean shit about you.

People have a tendency to internalize this and make it mean something about them, especially people with anxious attachment. But you didn’t do anything.  You trusted someone.  That’s a very brave thing to do. Their behavior is a reflection of them, not you.

15. Chaos ≠ Chemistry

Do not confuse chaos for chemistry.

If your relationship feels like constant drama, that’s not passion. It’s dysfunction.

16. Love is Not Supposed to Hurt

Another easy one that isn’t so easy in practice: love is not supposed to hurt.

Yes, relationships take effort, but they’re not supposed to leave you feeling drained and doubting yourself on the daily.

You should feel filled up and energized by your relationship. You’ll have seasons where it’s more challenging, but on the whole, you should have more positive interactions than negative by a lot.

17. You Can Stop Anytime

Next: you are not trapped, no matter what your anxious attachment tells you.

You can stop anytime. Whether it’s a situationship, texting your ex, tolerating breadcrumbs, whatever…you always have the power to say enough is enough.

Stop acting like a victim to your external circumstances. You’re not a victim to this relationship.  You’re not a victim to the man who won’t commit to you. You always have a chance to clock it, own it, clean it up, and choose differently.

People want to make it very, very, very complicated. It’s not. Just make a different choice.

18. Stop Overexplaining Your Needs

This one requires you to do less, not more:

Stop overexplaining your needs.

People don’t need an entire PowerPoint presentation on why you deserve to be treated with respect. They just don’t.

19.Your Energy is Your Responsibility

This one can be difficult to hear sometimes, but it’s important:  your energy is your responsibility.

If you are spiraling, it’s on you to pause, ground, and regulate. Do not expect someone else to save you.

I will bang on about nervous system regulation forever. You need to learn it. You need to do it regularly. Because saying “I’m going to regulate myself when I’m dysregulated” is like saying “I’m going to learn how to swim when I’m drowning.” It’s ridiculous. You learn to swim so that you don’t drown.

Your energy is your fucking responsibility. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to manage you. So learn how to regulate your nervous system.

20. Joy is Not Dependent on Other People

You know what else doesn’t depend on other people? Your joy. Joy is not dependent on other people.

This can be really, really challenging for people with anxious attachment, because you’re looking to the other person to be your sense of fulfillment.

They are your source of anger. They are your source of misery. They are your source of arousal.  They’re your source of joy. They’re your source of love. Everything. And they shouldn’t be—they can’t be, because they have to be their own source. They can’t be yours, too.

They are not your source. You are. It’s all within you.

Find joy in your life: in your hobbies, in your growth, in your friendships, in your relationship with yourself, in your sexuality, all of it. Relationships should add to your happiness, not be the source of it. 

21. Being Alone Doesn’t Mean Being Lonely

Just because you are alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

Some of the most fulfilling and satisfying seasons of my life have been when I was not dating, not having sex, not flirting, not anything.

I was fully single, and I was so immersed in my own life that it didn’t bother me. I loved it. I was focused, I didn’t have to consider another person, I didn’t have to ask permission, I didn’t have to check in with anyone. I just did what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it.

So if you’re alone, that’s okay—this can be a season where you connect more deeply to yourself than ever before. And that can be fucking powerful.

22. Speak to Yourself the Way You Would Speak to Someone You Love

You know what this means.  No more saying, “Why am I so stupid? Why do I always mess this up? I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I trusted him.” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Replace that shit with, “I’m learning, and I’m proud of myself for trying. I’m doing the best that I can. I trust the timing of my life.”

Speaking to yourself like you’re an absolute piece of shit? Not helpful in the least. You need to change that.

23. Invest in Yourself

Next up, invest in yourself like you invest in others.

If you are willing to spend time scrolling TikTok to decode his texts  and figure out how to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work, you have the time to be working on yourself.  So I don’t want to hear, “I don’t have time.” Yes, you fucking do.

In fact, if you’re reading this post, you have time.

Plus, I bet that you are willing to spend money on shit like new makeup or outfits or going out to dinners or going out for drinks with friends, right? You’re so willing to spend time and money on shit that is so fleeting, but imagine if you put that money towards something that would actually leave you fulfilled in the long-term.

This is where we actually need to get over our addiction to instant gratification and be committed and devoted to long-term vision. Investing in ourselves can be scary, yes—and it is also so, so necessary. And when you reframe it, it gets a lot less easy to make excuses why you can’t.

24. You Are The Love You Have Been Searching For

Finally, last but not least… you are the love that you have been searching for.

The security, the safety, the validation you crave…it’s inside you. It’s been there the entire time.  And doing the work is about learning how to find it and trust it within yourself. 

When you do this work, you will get to a place where you recognize that a partner is a bonus to the relationship that you have with yourself. And that’s the best gift you can give to yourself in 2025.

Break Your Anxious Attachment Patterns

If you only remember one thing from today, I want it to be this: you do not need anyone to complete you or make you feel worthy.

That is your job, and you are already way more than capable. 

If you’re tired of living these patterns of anxious attachment and you’re ready to dive into the deeper work, The Experience is waiting for you. It’s my year-long mentorship program where we go into attachment, healing, embodiment practices, and building relationships, both with yourself and with others.

This is not about quick fixes or surface-level advice. It’s about achieving real transformation and stepping into 2025 as the most confident, self-assured, radiant, bad-bitch-energy version of yourself.

I’m here for you when you are ready to finally stop settling for crumbs and start living the life you know you deserve. And I can’t wait to see you there.

Happy holidays, my love. Thank you so much for being here.

Here’s to 2025, bitches. See you next year.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

Ready to finally take action to transform your life in 2025? Apply for one-to-one mentorship with me: https://form.jotform.com/230497122673457

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.comg.com