Hello, my loves. Today we’re going to be talking about  perfectionism…and how it is killing your love life.

Picture Perfect

Perfectionism has its way of sneaking into your dating life, your relationships, your self-worth, all the things. And when it does find its way in, it does everything it can to keep you stuck.

If you don’t know what perfectionism in dating looks like (it’s usually easy to spot in our careers, but not so easy to see in our love lives) one thing to pay attention to is your dating profile.

For example, perfectionism in dating could look like you not wanting to post your profile on whatever dating app you’re trying to use, because it’s not “perfect.”

You don’t have the perfect photo. You don’t have the perfect outfit for that perfect photo. You have the vision, but it isn’t the right season, so it’ll just have to wait. You’re spending six fucking hours writing your bio because you want every word to scream “wife material.”

Even if you do get that profile up, it can look like checking your messages with your matches and going, “Oh, I don’t have the perfect thing to say. I have to wait until I can figure out the perfect response.”

Perfectionism in dating can also come out when you’re swiping left on people who might actually be a good fit for you, but you’re nitpicking every little thing.

He’s holding a fish in his photo, so it’s a no. His prompt responses aren’t poetry, so it’s a no.

This guy might actually be a great match, but you’re dismissing him over stuff that literally doesn’t matter.

Look, if you know you’re not interested in someone at all, swipe left. But if someone is a maybe, if they could potentially be a good match…swipe right. Don’t let yourself get stuck in perfectionism and refuse to give someone a chance because their profile isn’t flawless.

Being “Perfect” Won’t Protect You

Perfectionism is such a fucking problem, because it doesn’t actually protect you—it just keeps you stuck.

Perfectionism in dating blocks authenticity, which blocks connection.  

Not only that, but when you get stuck in perfectionism in dating, it fuels anxiety like nobody’s motherfucking business.

You know what it’s like to get trapped in an anxiety spiral after a date: “Did I say the wrong thing? Did I make the wrong choice? Do they think I’m weird? Was I being too high maintenance? I shouldn’t have ordered that second drink, it was expensive.”

Girl. Are you not exhausted? I’m tired just imagining it.

It is exhausting to spend your life replaying every conversation in your head, convinced that you said something stupid or wrong or bad. It is exhausting trying to shape yourself into someone “perfect” by hiding the way you actually are.

Not only that, but if you’re too busy playing whatever kind of woman you THINK he wants…how are you supposed to tell if this person is actually a good match for YOU?

If someone has a problem with the way that I do things, then we’re just not a match. I don’t have to replay everything I said or did in my head to figure out if I did something to turn them off, because I’m not interested in being perfect. I’m interested in being with someone who is a good match for me.

Rip It Out at the Root

In the end, perfectionism in dating is really rooted in the fear of rejection.

When you get stuck in perfectionism in dating, it’s because you’re convinced that if you don’t show up as perfect, you’re going to get rejected right off the bat.

“I’ve said the wrong thing. You’re going to reject me. I’m too much. You’re going to reject me. My standards are too high. You’re going to reject me.” So instead, you obsess over every word, never express your needs, and shape yourself to fit any man who looks at you twice.

Somewhere along the way, you learned that being perfect makes you lovable. But the truth is, your imperfection makes you human, and that in and of itself is lovable.

Personally, I have no interest in being around someone—a partner, a friend, a client, a mentor, anyone—who thinks their shit doesn’t stink and that they’re somehow superior to everyone else.

So if you’re struggling with perfectionism in dating, ask yourself this: “What am I scared will happen if I show up as my true, imperfect self?”

“People are going to leave. People are going to reject me. People are going to judge me.”

And you know what? You can handle all of those things.

You can handle all of the worst-case scenarios you fear so badly. You can trust yourself to handle them. You don’t want to, but you can.

If you’re ready to ditch perfectionism in dating, stop pretending trying to be perfect is protecting you, and want to start living your love life in full motherfucking color, listen to Episode 182 of Unf*ck Your Relationships—I’m going to give you some more examples of where perfectionism might show up in your love life, and I’m going to tell you how to get yourself unstuck from that shit.

I’ll see you next time!

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