Hello, my loves. I have my bestie, Caitlin Hosking here, and we are going to talk about all things insecurity and confidence.

There is a widespread misconception that people are born confident, or that it’s easier for certain people.

If you align with society’s standard of beauty, people think that’s the baseline for being confident. Beautiful people with all the advantages can’t possibly feel less than confident.

This isn’t true whatsoever. Confidence has to do with so much more than just your external reality…and Caitlin’s experience proves it.

Let’s talk about “pretty privilege,” shall we?

Meet Caitlin

Michelle: So first of all…Caitlin, introduce yourself!

Caitlin: I’m Caitlin. I am the founder of the Shadow Alchemy Certification and Shadow Alchemy Coaching Academy, and Complete by Caitlin, because I like to do all the things. My specialty is shadow work, and I love talking all about it, because it is the thing that helped me ultimately step into who I always thought I could be: the most confident, vibrant version of myself.

I was once very, very insecure; I hated everything about myself. In fact, I was very close to leaving this planet completely because it was so bad. But I pulled myself out of that hole, and I’m very excited to share with you guys, because I know that it’s not easy.

Pretty Privilege

Michelle: I feel like this is going to get me cancelled, but can we talk about the idea of pretty privilege for a second? 

Spill the tea, Caitlin. What are your thoughts about pretty privilege?

Caitlin: Oh, sure. Just throw me in the deep end, babe.

Michelle: As a hot bitch, what’s your professional opinion?

Caitlin: My hot bitch opinion or my professional opinion? Because sometimes they can differ.

Michelle: Both.

Caitlin: Okay, we’ll go with hot bitch first.

For me, the idea of pretty privilege has often been invalidating of my own experiences. To be told that it’s not that hard for you, that you shouldn’t feel the way that you do because you’re pretty, is actually very hurtful to your sense of self.

I didn’t choose what I was born into. And that experience has helped me understand just how what you look like or how you’re raised or the conditions you’re born in actually have very little to do with your confidence.

In fact, the biggest thing that I would say against pretty privilege and its association with confidence is that a lot of the time, the more that you have, the worse your confidence gets.

I grew up reasonably wealthy, and for me and the people around me, everything had to be perfect all the time. People nitpicked everything. Anorexia was rampant, because you had to fit into this perfect stereotype of what you should be.

They’re different problems, for sure, but at the root of them, you’re still human. You’re still experiencing the same feelings as people who aren’t as privileged.

That isn’t to say privilege of all kinds—including pretty privilege—doesn’t play a role in other things. I think that it’s helpful to understand privilege. But it’s more helpful to understand every human and how they experience life is valid to their experience.

Insecurity is Internal, Not External

Michelle: This is the fucking façade, right? People think that if they lose the weight or they get a plastic surgery or they get the car or they get the house or they get the man or whatever it is, then they’re going to feel how they want to feel. They’ll have the confidence they want. And I’m here to tell you, you fucking won’t.

I’ve done all of those things. And coming from the person who has done all of the things, it’s not going to actually make a lick of difference to your confidence long-term. It truly won’t.

Caitlin: I’ve actually talked to my friend about this, because she was overweight. She went into a fitness competition, because she wanted to lose the weight. And she thought once she was skinny, then she would finally love herself and feel confident in herself.

She succeeded. She went and lost a lot of weight…and stepped onto that stage feeling the worst she’s ever felt.

Because she not only had all of those confidence struggles that were still playing out regardless, she was also really hungry.

In that moment, she realized, “Oh shit. I’m not happy.” She realized she wasn’t happy in a way that went deeper than her skin.

She went home and started eating. She put all the weight back on—all of it and then some. And then she thought, “Well, if hating myself has gotten me to this point, I wonder what loving myself would do?”

She decided in that moment she was going to start to do the things that she said she couldn’t do unless she was a certain size. So whether that was wearing a certain dress, wearing a bikini, wearing tight-fitting clothing, being fucking naked, taking photos, whatever it was, she started doing it all anyway. And she started doing it all at the heaviest she’d ever been!

Over the last four years, she’s lost all of that weight again, but it hasn’t come from restriction. It hasn’t come from being hard on herself. It hasn’t come from her being like, “You’re a fucking piece of shit, and unless you look a certain size, you can’t do XYZ.”

Instead, it came from her actually loving herself and being kind to her body and listening and healing and doing the things that she thought she couldn’t do, which built her confidence on the inside.

The Key to Confidence

Michelle: So what do you think is the key to confidence?

Caitlin: Well, firstly, if mindset isn’t working, then it’s not the answer. If you’re trying to shift your mindset to make yourself confident, it won’t work; you can’t just think your way to confidence.

If that worked, literally all of you who are reading would be like, “I’m so confident. Boom, there, fixed.”  But you’re not.

Having all the affirmations and the right things to say might work for some people, but it doesn’t work for me.

Sitting there telling myself “I am confident” while I’m sitting there sobbing my eyes out isn’t going to do shit. My brain knows better than that.

So mindset was never going to be my answer.  Instead, what I’ve seen work for myself and for clients is this: if you can’t take a confident action because your whole nervous system shuts down, you actually have to start with your body.

I don’t mean changing it to look better.  I mean you need to learn how to feel safe in your body and expand your window of tolerance.

If you procrastinate or freeze or back out every time you go to do something that feels confident to you, whether it’s setting a boundary, asking for a promotion, wearing a new swimsuit to the beach, etc., then your body just doesn’t feel good, and it’s not in a place where it can actually feel safe.

In that case, you have to start by moving through the pieces that are wiring your nervous system to be in this state. You have to sort through the pieces of your body that won’t let you be confident.

Once you move through that stuff, you then choose something small, and you go and action it.

For example, this could be as easy as wearing a two-piece to the beach instead of a one-piece. That’s all it takes to start increasing your capacity and building your confidence.

It doesn’t happen overnight, but I built my capacity and focused on my nervous system and making sure I could ground that first, and then I kept expanding.

I want to add, please expand safety. Go and do the thing that scares the shit out of you, and then reground, because that is teaching yourself that this is actually a safe thing to do. From there, you can adapt to it and start to go bigger. and then you’re going to adapt to it and then you can go bigger.

But Wait! There’s More…(Seriously, SO Much More)

This is only a sample of the full discussion Caitlin and I had about confidence, pretty privilege, our own experiences with confidence struggles, how to actually start building your confidence up, and—the thing you REALLY don’t want to miss—our own cringiest moments.

But to get all that, you’ll have to head to the Unf*ck Your Relationships Podcast and listen to Episode 183. We’ll see you there, loves.

WORK WITH CAITLIN:

Website: https://completebycaitlin.com/ 

CONNECT WITH CAITLIN:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/complete_bycaitlin?igsh=eDVwdGx0a3h5c3Vr

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

This is not your average confidence course. Join MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY: https://michellepanning.com/main-character-energy 

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.comnning.com