I have several big changes to announce today.

Firstly, since you can’t see me…I have dyed my hair. I am now a redhead. I went ahead and took the plunge because my blonde? She was fried, people. She needed a good reset.

And so did I.

We all know that when a woman is going through something, she changes her hair. Which leads me to the actual subject of today’s post…

Breakup BTS

As you probably gathered from the title, my partner Drew and I have decided to separate.

It’s sad. But it’s also right. There’s been a lot of grief throughout this process, but also a lot of excitement for the future, and I want to share about both today.

I want to be open about this process, because you guys have really been on this journey with me. I mean, you guys have followed along since I was navigating the dating world as a single woman. You guys were here when I met my partner, and the three years of partnered life that followed.

So, for anyone who feels personally invested, let me lead with this: I am okay. I am okay. My heart is okay.  Drew is okay.  We’re okay together.  There’s no animosity. There’s no bad blood.

While I do believe that we need space and time, I feel like we’ll be in each other’s world in some capacity, because there’s so much love and care and respect there. But for now, we are broken up.

Navigating a breakup is never easy, especially when it’s no one’s fault. I’ve been in relationships myself where it’s been so obvious that we shouldn’t be together, but there was so much evidence for Drew and I that we were supposed to be together. And we tried and we tried and we tried—we did all the things that I would tell you to do—but unfortunately, it just didn’t get better.

However, as I’ve said before, it is my firm belief that it’s always a matter of “I’m meant for this, or something better.” If this isn’t forever, something better will come along.

I am very optimistic for the future. But that doesn’t absolve me from feeling the grief of navigating a breakup.

Grief and Growth

This is the duality of navigating a breakup: on one hand, I feel so devastated. I’m grieving losing my best friend, the most important person in my life for the past three years. I’m struggling with the feeling like I could have done more or we could have tried harder, even though we did all the things.

It’s not just grief over the present, either—it’s grief for how we were in the past, at the beginning of our relationship. It’s grief over losing the future we might have had: getting engaged, getting married, potentially having children, etcetera.

There’s so much grief in navigating a breakup…and there is excitement about what comes next, as well.

I’m moving into my own place. I get to decorate it exactly the way I want. All of the energy that was focused on this relationship can now go entirely to me: my desires, my dreams, my friendships, all of it.

This is partly so exciting because I believe something that contributed to the downfall of our relationship was that we stopped really focusing on ourselves. So this is my time to reconnect to myself first and foremost.

When I say it’s so important to be connected to yourself, this is why.  You can’t have a healthy relationship if you are not connected to yourself. And even when you know that, it is so easy to become so enamored by the other person and want so badly to make sure their needs are being met that sometimes we don’t realize our needs are not being met.

That’s no fault of mine. That’s no fault of Drew’s. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just is what it is. We didn’t even realize we actually forgot to focus on ourselves until we looked back in hindsight.

The Map for Navigating a Breakup

So, in real time…here’s my map for navigating a breakup.

Re-Learning Regulation

When you come to rely on someone else to help you regulate, re-learning how to regulate yourself is difficult.

One part of navigating a breakup is learning to identify what you actually need when you’re inundated with thoughts of, “I miss him.”

Ask yourself what you’re actually in need of right then. Is it comfort? Safety? Attention? Companionship? Whatever it is, identifying it yourself can help you fulfill that need on your own.

Also, while it’s definitely important to regulate yourself, we are human—we do still need connection. It’s incredibly helpful to have friends who can help us co-regulate when our person is no longer there.

My best friend Caitlin has been an absolute godsend in this time. You might’ve met her on the podcast last week. She’s supported me so, so much, and she’s been great about helping me regulate.

This or Something Better

Remember that even when you’re so heartbroken while navigating a breakup, even if it was your decision to break it off…that doesn’t make it the wrong choice.

You can know that you’re not actually meant to be together and still be heartbroken about it. Not being “meant to be” doesn’t negate how much love you have for this person. The pain doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.

It also doesn’t mean you gave up your one chance at love, and now you’re screwed. Like I said, it’s always this or something better. Something is coming in the future, and it’s going to make you so grateful this thing didn’t work out.

Do You Miss Them…or The Idea of Them?

If you’re navigating a breakup and you’re thinking you want to get back together because you miss them so much…do you actually miss them?

There was a reason that you ended things in the first place. Maybe you guys weren’t communicating. Maybe you weren’t having sex. Maybe you were arguing all the time. Maybe there was a breach of trust. Whatever it was, something wasn’t working, or you wouldn’t have ended it.

So do you really miss them…or do you miss who you thought they were in the first month you were dating? Do you miss them, or do you miss the fantasy you created about your future with them?

Dealing with the loss of a perceived future with someone is a real thing. It’s very, very hard, and people don’t talk about it enough.

One thing you can do to get clear on this is to write down all the reasons why it didn’t work. All your frustrations, all your complaints, all his red flags—not to make yourself hate him or fall out of love or whatever, but to remind yourself that there is a reason it didn’t work.

All of the things not to hate him, but from a space of, Oh yeah, like there’s a reason that this didn’t work.

Don’t Worry, I’ve Got More

This is just the start of the route to take as you navigate a breakup—to get the rest, as well as some more insight into what’s going on behind the scenes of my breakup, head to Episode 184 of UFYR and buckle up for some big feelings, big announcements, etcetera. Lots going on.

I love you all so much. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for holding me in this. Thank you for not showing judgment…and if you have judgment, you can keep that to yourself.

I will love you and leave you with that. Have a beautiful day, and I will see you in the next one.

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