Hello, my loves. Today, we’re going to be talking about the “Let Them” Theory…but make it shadow work.

The Let Them Theory is a concept that’s been around for some time, but the actual framework was coined by Mel Robbins. It’s a theory I definitely abide by, but I didn’t have the words to describe it until I read Mel Robbins’ book.

If you’re not familiar with the Let Them Theory, no problem—I’ll fix that right now.

What is the “Let Them” Theory?

The Let Them Theory is this idea that people are going to do what they do no matter how hard you try to change it…so you should just let them.

If someone wants to break up with you, let them.

If someone wants to not text you back, let them.

If someone wants to end your friendship, let them.

If someone wants to act a fucking fool, let them.

If someone wants to leave their shit everywhere all over the house, let them.

You get it? We try way too hard to control these kinds of things, when we could just…let them happen. Because they’ll end up happening regardless.

We spend so much time consumed in trying to force people to behave the way that we want them to behave.

Maybe you try to get the man who doesn’t want commitment to commit. Maybe you try to get someone who doesn’t care to meet your standards to step up and do it anyway. Maybe you text bomb to try and get a response out of someone who just isn’t that into you.

Whatever it is, it’s exhausting—it’s draining the ever-loving shit out of you, actually—and in the end, the result isn’t changing.

“Letting Them” Isn’t Easy

A man is going to behave how he wants to behave. And when you implement the “Let Them” theory and actually just let him not commit to you…it’s actually so freeing.

It fully releases the anxiety of trying micromanage all your relationships and allows you to shift the focus back onto yourself.

Think about how much of your life is consumed in trying to control other people. Think about how much time and energy you waste trying to get him to commit to you, trying to get him to open up, trying to get him to clean his fucking socks off the floor…whatever it is for you, it is so consuming and dysregulating for you to keep trying to do that. And in the end, it gets you fucking nowhere.

Enter the Let Them Theory.

“I’m just going to let people do whatever they do. I’m letting them.” Great. But hold on—now that you’re “letting them,” why are you feeling absolutely fucked?

All you’re doing is sitting back and doing nothing, right? Why does it feel like you’re going to go batshit crazy?

Because letting them do what they’re going to do, regardless of what you want them to, actually activates your deepest fears.

Let’s just say, for example, that you have a fear of abandonment. If the person that you’re dating starts to pull away, no matter how committed you are to letting the Let Them Theory play out, you feel like you can’t just let them, because their withdrawal from you is triggering your deep abandonment wounds.

If you have a wound dealt to you by people leaving you, or you perceiving that people are leaving you, “letting them” isn’t easy.

If someone is withdrawing and your abandonment wound is triggered, but you tell yourself, “Whatever, just let them,” hey—that’s great advice. Let them pull away. That’s what I would tell you to do. But that doesn’t prevent the wound created within you by experiencing that withdrawal. So now what?

Where Shadow Work Comes Into Play

This is why I believe the shadow work piece needs to be part of the Let Them Theory in practice.

When you do not have the capacity to be with your shadows or to be with your deepest wounds and fears, do you know what you’re going to do when “letting them” activates those wounds?

You are going to try to pull them back in. You’re going to go right back to them. You are going to obsess. You are going to go into an anxious spiral. You are going to engage in protest behavior. You are going to act like you don’t care in an attempt to get them to come back. You’re going to do everything possible to try and get them to behave the way you want again, even if you’ve convinced yourself you’re going to let the Let them Theory do its work.

Let me give you another example. Let’s say someone’s inconsistent with you. Let them do what they’re going to do—let them be inconsistent.

That might bring up some shit for you…but it’s also going to make the connection even more intoxicating, because consistency feels unsafe for you, and you are used to not feeling safe in relationships.

That’s why, when the women I work with meet a man who’s consistent, they start freaking out. They do all this weird shit. They sabotage things however they can.

If someone’s being inconsistent with you, that is going to feel actually really hot and really attractive, because it’s like gambling at a slot machine. If you were to win every single time at a slot machine, people wouldn’t get nearly as addicted. It’s the fact that you win  sometimes.

It’s the same with someone who’s being inconsistent.

Sometimes they’re lovely and romantic and charming and all the things, and that’s what you hold onto. So even though you know that inconsistency is not good for you, you stick around and you say, “Well, I’m just going to let him.”

Great, that’s step one…but he’s going to do that regardless of what you do. There’s literally nothing you can do to make him be consistent.  But you can do something to take care of yourself, because that inconsistency is bringing up wounds in you.

When you start out in shadow work, you learn how to sit with those wounds. So yes, you could choose to let him be inconsistent and soothe yourself through the process…but as you go deeper into doing this work, you also come to realize that’s not actually treating yourself with respect.

If you choose a lens of self-respect and self-love and self-care, then you are going to let yourself set boundaries and kick this motherfucker out of your life.  Plain and simple. 

You can let them be inconsistent. They can be inconsistent all they want. But they’re not going to be inconsistent in your life, and therefore, they do not have a place in your life.

What Next?

So how do you get from Point A to Point B with the Let Them Theory and shadow work? You start by listening to Episode 186 of my podcast, Unf*ck Your Relationships, where I break all this down in more detail and talk more about the role shadow work plays. Then you’re going to check out The Connected Woman, my signature shadow work course.

Just reading or hearing about the work isn’t the same as doing the work—you know that, right? We actually have to take action in order to embody the things we’re learning. A blog or a podcast episode ain’t gonna cut it.

I’ll see you there.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

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