Hello, my loves. Today we’re going to be talking about why you’re addicted to the wrong men…and how to break the cycle of unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Crossed Wires

Let’s get this out of the way first: if you keep attracting the same emotionally unavailable men and keep ending up in unhealthy relationship dynamics, it’s not just bad luck. You don’t have a bad picker; it’s just your wiring. 

“Fuck, wait, that sounds worse!” I know. Sorry. But it’s the truth: until you shift your internal patterns, you’re going to keep recreating the same painful cycles in love. You’re going to keep getting stuck in the same unhealthy relationship dynamics.

If you’re reading this, chances are that at some point, you’ve stopped and asked yourself, “Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men? or “Why do I only have chemistry with  (or feel “the spark”) with men who don’t want me back?”

Let’s start there, shall we? Let’s talk about this elusive “spark.”

When I refer to “the spark,” I’m talking about what most people call “butterflies in their stomach.”

We usually refer to this feeling at the start of a relationship. It comes from the whirlwind of “Has he texted me? Is he going to call me? Does he like me? Is he going to plan another date? Should I text him again? Is that too much? Am I doing too little?”

Babe. That’s not butterflies. That’s anxiety.

Let that land: that thing you’re so convinced means there’s a “spark” between you? The “chemistry” that keeps alchemizing into an unhealthy relationship dynamic? That’s anxiety.

Feeling the need to win someone over, obsessing over what they’re thinking about you, fretting over what you’re doing right or wrong…that’s not you falling in love. That’s you falling into a trauma bond. You have to break the cycle on this, or you’re always going to fall into unhealthy relationship dynamics.

I see this a lot with my clients when they’re describing a new connection. And if you can learn to spot it early, you can learn how to avoid landing in unhealthy relationship dynamics.

They’ll be going on and on about this guy, and how nervous they are, and how they’re worried about whether they’re doing or saying the right things, and I have to go, “Okay, pause. You seem to be very, very focused on whether or not he likes you.  But have you thought about whether you like him?”

I’ll follow it up by asking them to tell me what they like about him. “He’s funny!” is usually first in line. Okay, cool. What else?  “He, um…like…well, you know…” And we’ll sit there for ten minutes with her trying to come up with something.

I’m like, “Okay, so you actually don’t know that much about him. Instead of focusing on whether you’re actually vibing with this person and enjoying their company, you’re actually more concerned about getting their approval. You’re focused wholly on winning them over before you even know if you want them. How are you supposed to avoid an unhealthy relationship dynamic when you’re not even slowing down enough to see the red flags?

Spot the Pattern

How do you know if you have a pattern of this behavior? Take a peek at your last three relationships—and if you don’t have much of a relationship history, maybe look at your last three “situationships” or whatever it is for you.

Does it feel like they’re all a variation of the same person in a different body?

If the answer is yes, you’re probably stuck in a pattern of unhealthy relationship dynamics.

My clients say all the time that they don’t have “a type.” But just because you don’t have a physical type doesn’t mean you don’t have a type.

So. Are men who don’t communicate your type? Or people who shut down as soon as you’re vulnerable? Or men who go really hot and heavy in the beginning, and then once there’s any sort of talk of commitment, they pull away?

I bet you do have a type if you really think about it. But rather than sitting at the mercy of that and being like, “Oh my God, there’s just no good men out there,” maybe it’s time you looked at the other common denominator here.

The Common Denominator

If you don’t know my personal story, I actually got into this work after getting a tarot reading back in 2018 or so. I was with one of my exes at the time. This woman told me we were going to be together forever…

And then he broke up with me on the car ride home.

I can’t make this shit up, guys. Truly. I was like “Um, I want my money back.”

But while I was crying on the kitchen floor, devastated that he had broken up with me—even though I honestly wasn’t even that into him, I just wanted him to want me—a thought popped into my head.

“Wait…am I the common denominator here?”

Genuinely, this had never occurred to me before. But whilst there was a pattern to the men I was attracted to, certainly, the true common denominator in all of my failed relationships…was me.

If you’re sitting here reading this and going “No, Michelle, you’re wrong. You don’t understand. They’re absolutely the problem,” hey…I don’t blame you.

I felt that way too. At least before I became enlightened.

(That’s sarcasm, in case you couldn’t tell.)

But genuinely, I did feel that way as well. I understand where you’re coming from. But when you make yourself sit down, look in the mirror, and think about how you contribute to your relationship dynamics, that’s where you start to break the cycle.

This doesn’t excuse their part, of course. It’s not shifting blame away from them. It’s not about taking all the responsibility and leaving them with none.

They’re responsible for their part…but you’re also responsible for your part.

So rather than sitting and complaining about how all men are shit…why don’t we do something different?

Now What?

So we’ve started the process of breaking the cycle on unhealthy relationship dynamics…but what’s the next step?

First, head to the Unf*ck Your Relationships and listen to Episode 191. I go over all of this, as well as next steps, and give you some places to go to get started on this work.

If you’re like “I don’t need all that, I’ve heard enough—I want to get started!” then scroll down and click the link to join my signature shadow work program, The Connected Woman. That’s the place to be to start clocking your patterns, owning them, and cleaning them up.

Let’s get your wires uncrossed, shall we?

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

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Website: http://www.michellepanning.com