Hello, my loves. Today we’re going to talk about being a woman who is “too much.”

As women, we have so much fear around being “too much.” But I think it’s time we learned to love this part of us that is too much, instead.

So let’s lead with this: you’re not too much. And if you’ve been told that you’re too much—or too emotional, or too needy, or that you expect too much, or your standards are too high, whatever it is—this is going to hit deep. Brace yourself.

Why People Say You’re Being Too Much

The only people who will tell you that you’re “too much” are the ones who are not capable of meeting you where you are.

We can only ever meet someone else at the depth that we have met ourselves. So if you keep choosing partners who have not gone very deep with themselves and are not able to handle their own emotions…guess how they’re going to feel about your emotions.

The problem isn’t actually that you’re being too much or that you expect too much, but that you keep choosing emotionally unavailable people.

Conditioned to be “Cruisy”

The reason the fear of being too much digs so deeply into us is because women in particular are raised to be very easygoing, low maintenance, polite, chill…or, as some might say, “cruisy.”

You can thank an ex of mine from years ago for that one. “Why can’t you be more cruisy?” was an actual thing he said to me.

I brought that to my therapist, by the way—my therapist who was always very kind, always able to see the other person’s side, always able to give people the benefit of the doubt, etcetera—and when I told her that, she said, “What the fuck does that even mean?”

I was like “THANK YOU.” Because like…yeah, what the FUCK does that mean?

But back to the point.

We as women have been taught to dim our needs to make other people more comfortable. And the place where that tends to show up the most is in our relationships.

Dr. Gabor Maté says it best: “When a child is faced with the choice between authenticity and attachment, they will choose attachment every single time.”

If you have the choice between being seen for who you are and being loved for someone you’re not, you will choose being loved every time.

So if the story you’re telling yourself is that you will be rejected if you express yourself honestly and ask for your needs to be met, you’re going to choose attachment over authenticity.

This is why we have so many people being inauthentic, getting into shitty relationships, and then being confused about why their relationship doesn’t feel good. It’s because they’re not being themselves—they’re trying to be the “cool girl.”

It’s a Trap

When you’re afraid of being too much and try acting like the cool girl instead, especially in the early days of dating, it means you’re acting like you don’t care. You’re playing it cool. You’re playing it casual. You’re acting low-maintenance, even about the things that actually drive you crazy.

Put simply, you’re doing the most to do the least. But at the end of the day, you’re still getting hurt.

Playing the cool girl is a fucking trap. Because if you lower your standards every time a man pokes at you about being too much, you end up tolerating the bare fucking minimum.

The amount of times that I have spoken to clients, and they’ve said something like, “Oh my god, he’s so amazing. He made plans for me. He made plans with me for next weekend!” I’m like “…And?”

That’s the bare minimum. Why is that being applauded?

We need to collectively raise the motherfucking standard. We’re not doing this shrinking violet thing anymore. We’re not playing the cool girl. We’re going to step into our power and own being too much.

I’m high maintenance AF—and proud of it. I’ll never be “cruisy.” And I’ll sure as fuck never PRETEND to be cruisy just to keep someone else more comfortable.

If you’re sick of shrinking yourself and feeling ashamed of being too much, great—let’s be done with that. Follow the link below to join The Connected Woman, where we’re going to get rid of all those stories you’ve been telling yourself about why your actual authentic self is “too much” to be wanted by someone else.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

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