Hello, my loves. This one’s going to be a call-out for some of you, but trust me, it’s going to be good for you.

We’re going to chat about performative femininity.

A Perfect Performance

If you haven’t heard my whole story, let me give you the CliffNotes: I worked in the sex industry for over a decade before I got into this work. And through that work, I learned a lot about how to turn men on, how to get what I want, and how to tap into my sensuality…but a lot of it was just a performance.

Performance is very natural in that environment—after all, I’m literally being paid for a performance. I’m getting paid to be what men want.

In the strip club, I engaged in a lot of unconscious calculation. I could attune my energy to each individual man and (for lack of a better word) chameleon myself to become what they wanted.

If they wanted someone who was more soft-spoken and portrayed a kind of innocent and mystery, I could play that part. If he wanted someone bold and overtly sexual, I’d cast myself in that role.

For many of my clients, though most of them have not worked in the sex industry, this “chameleon” behavior crops up in their lives, too…particularly around their feminine energy.

Aesthetic vs. Embodiment

When people start learning about feminine energy, they often find themselves entrenched in things on TikTok and Instagram or YouTube videos that are all about the right things to wear and the self-care rituals and keeping your voice low and breathy and, and, and…you get the idea.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that…but I want to talk about when the softness and femininity you’re portraying is actually just another performance, and how that keeps you disconnected from your power and your body.

If you are chasing feminine energy like an aesthetic, you’re actually trying to approach the feminine from a masculine construct. You can imagine how that might not pan out.

Now, I’m very glad that there’s a resurgence of embracing the feminine happening. I can feel this uprising of real, actually embodied feminine. But that also has placed us in a very “aesthetic” era of the feminine, which is where you get the trend of women being really soft on TikTok and teaching people how to use their feminine energy to hook a man.

Embodying the feminine isn’t meant to be a way to become more desirable or to attract a high-value man; it’s about being able to embody the feminine for yourself.

Otherwise, that’s not feminine embodiment…that’s feminine performance. And the truth is, even if it’s dressed up in fucking crystals and vanilla perfume and candles and bubble baths, it’s still a survival strategy.

Actual Embodiment

So, what is performative femininity?

Performative femininity is about acting feminine without feeling safe in your feminine.

The feminine is all things. Yes, it is about softness, nurturing, innocence, playfulness, and sensuality…and it is also rage and grief and shame and disruption and so, so much more.

So if you’re putting on this air of softness—if you don’t actually feel safe in all aspects of the feminine—then you are just portraying an image of performative femininity.

You can’t embody the feminine if you’re only allowing half of her to exist.

Let that land: you can’t embody the feminine if you are only allowing half of her to exist.

The feminine is messy. She’s loud, she’s horny, she’s emotional, she’s sad, she’s playful, she’s still, she’s gentle, she’s compassionate…she is everything.

You don’t need to be the most magnetic or graceful or fucking goddess-like person to be worthy of love. What makes you magnetic is your truth; not your performance.

It’s Time for Curtain Call

I want you to look at every area of your life and ask yourself, “Where am I putting on a fucking performance? Where am I actually full of shit? Where am I putting off performative femininity instead of telling the truth?”

If we want safe relationships, we have to be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable. And that starts with the relationship that you have with yourself.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

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Website: http://www.michellepanning.com