Hello, my loves. Today we’re going to be talking about the good old daddy wound—aka, what most people refer to as daddy issues.

This conversation might be triggering for some people—and that’s okay, because it needs to get talked about. I’ll just be honest: some of y’all need to be shaken up to finally make a change.

If you have ever chased someone who made you feel high one moment and then invisible the next, or if you are addicted to the pull of emotionally unavailable men, or if you think you are manifesting love, but you’re actually just recreating your childhood wounds…this is going to be your permission slip to snap the fuck out of it.

Inconsistent Hits Different

I’m going to start with this:

He’s not your twin flame. He’s your trauma pattern.

There’s this obsession with having chemistry that’s super prevalent in the dating world. People love to go, “We have such great chemistry. We get along so well. Our banter is so amazing,” and they confuse that chemistry with love.

Just because you have chemistry with someone does not mean that it’s love.

Love is trust. Respect. Admiration. Inspiration. Deep care. A feeling that you can rely on someone.

The ability to rely on someone comes with consistency. But so many people—women in particular—are addicted to inconsistency. So instead, they rely on thrill and chemistry to define what love is.

“Michelle, absolutely not. I hate how inconsistent he is.” Okay…then why are you still there?

You know why? Because it feels so good when he finally gives you that hit of validation and attention.

It’s like gambling: you may lose a dozen times, but when you finally win the thirteenth time, it feels so much better than if you’d been winning the entire time.

Enter the Daddy Wound

This is where the daddy wound comes in.

A daddy wound (aka “daddy issues” is essentially a deep emotional wound formed from a lack of safety, connection, or attunement from your father figure/masculine caregiver.

If your father figure was absent, emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, and/or critical, it can create those daddy issues. And when you have daddy issues, you’re going to have issues with the masculine—not just with men, but with the masculine in general.

You’re either going to go so deeply into your feminine that you almost become a damsel in distress type of figure, or you’re going to swing the opposite way, which results in the “strong, independent woman” where you go so far into the masculine because you feel like you can’t rely on the external masculine.

When You Can’t Stop Doing the Most

When you have daddy issues, there’s this underlying belief that if you’re enough, maybe this time he’ll choose you.

So you do the absolute most. Maybe you play the cool girl who’s really aloof, who likes beer and sports, someone who’s “one of the guys.” (Nothing wrong with that, if it’s true. I’m a beer and champagne lady myself—but if it’s a façade, not so great.)

It could also be the opposite: it could mean you trying to perform femininity, which I spoke about last week. And when you’re performing femininity, you’re trying to be really soft and nurturing by taking care of them.

You could even be playing into the seductress role by over-sexualizing yourself as a way to hook him in. But however your thing manifests, it’s the same shit at the root: he believes that you’re not enough, so you have to prove that you are enough.

If you didn’t feel fully chosen by your father figure, you weren’t able to rely on him, or if you didn’t feel safe (whether physically, emotionally, or otherwise) then this is how these daddy issues are going to play out.

When you have this blueprint of daddy issues, finding a man who is all-in—one you don’t have to play guessing games with, one who is open, available, secure, reassuring, validating, etcetera—you’re actually going to feel unsafe, because your blueprint is, “I have to earn love.”

When you are with a man whose love you do not have to earn by doing the most, it’s not going to feel exciting. You’re not going to feel an “attraction” or “chemistry.”

But when you’re feeling that, you’re actually not attracted—you’re activated.

But once you do the work to heal that wound and understand these daddy issues, that feeling of someone being hot and cold with you actually starts to become unattractive.

Your Blueprint is Fucked, Babe

The truth is…you don’t even want this guy. You want the relief and thrill you feel when he gives you crumbs of attention.

So how do we unhook from this pattern?

First, you acknowledge these daddy issues. You acknowledge the fact that you do, in fact, have a daddy wound. And while your desire for love is so fucking valid, and I don’t want you to ever, ever, ever lose that…keep in mind that your blueprint for love is a little bit fucked.

Then you have to get back in your body, which is something I teach you how to do in my shadow work program, The Connected Woman, or my retreats. I teach you how to do that in the experience.

We get you back in your body and start to notice what your body feels like when it’s calm, and what it feels like when it’s in chaos. Then you can identify how these things are actually affecting your nervous system.

Next, you start to rewrite your narrative and call out this fantasy. Get real with yourself. “I’m obsessing over someone who isn’t choosing me, and that’s my little girl hoping that she can win over Daddy’s love.”

Remind yourself your worth is not measured by who chooses you. You don’t need to earn love by being hot or perfect, by being the most nurturing, by giving the best blow jobs…whatever it is for you.  The kind of love that you’re craving comes from healing the original wound at the source, not recreating the daddy issues pattern a million times.

So if this resonated, you’ve got an easy first step: get your ass in Connected Woman so we can get to work. I can’t wait to see you there.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com