Hello, my loves. Today, I’m going to be getting even more personal/vulnerable than usual…which is saying something for me.

I like to share a lot of my personal stories; that’s just how I operate. Plus, it actually seems really helpful for people who need to know that someone has actually done the thing they’re trying to do.

So…let’s talk about healing journeys.

The Breaking

If you’re new here, then here’s a quick recap: I ended my nearly three-year relationship back in January, right around New Year’s.

It has been…the absolute biggest rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I’m drowning in grief, and the next I’m feeling deep relief. Then comes the anger. Then comes the longing. Then I look in the mirror and go “Fuck, I’m killing it. I’m glowing up.” Then I’m crying into a glass of champagne ten minutes later.

So if you’re still crying over a guy and it’s been months, or you felt like you were doing so well until your song came on, or your fucking Facebook memories came up (oh my God, how do I turn that feature off?) and you started spiraling, then followed it all up by feeling ashamed that you aren’t “healed” yet…

Girl, sit down. I’ve got something to tell you about healing journeys.

A Healing Journey is NOT Linear

If you’re the woman who keeps thinking you should be “over this” by now, whatever “this” is—trauma, a breakup, the end of a friendship, etcetera—then this is for you.

Maybe you’ve done all the work. Maybe you’ve read the books, you’ve journaled your heart out, you’ve done some embodiment practices, whatever…and the ache just keeps coming back. But you can’t figure out why.

I know why.

It’s because healing journeys are not linear. And you know what else?

Trying to perform your way through your healing journey as if it is linear is exactly what’s keeping you stuck.

The Shame Spiral

I have worked with hundreds of women, and one thing most of us have in common is this feeling at some point during a breakup that we’ve been grieving too long. As if there’s a certain amount of time designated for you to process, and then you need to move on to the next step in your healing journey.

Social media doesn’t help with this little trend, either. Instagram is full of people who are “doing the work” and showing their healing journey in real time…supposedly.

I’m not excluded, either. It’s easy to look at my social media and see I’m doing all the things I tell you guys to do…

But behind the scenes? When something hits me out of nowhere, you know I’m sitting there crying my fucking eyes out in my car right along with you.

So why aren’t you seeing those parts of my healing journey? Because the mean part of my brain is sitting there with me and saying, “See? You haven’t fucking healed at all. Who are you to teach this work? Who are you to talk about this? You should put on a brave face. You should be past this by now. It’s been months. Why are you still hanging onto this?”

Yeah. I know what it feels like to get stuck in the shame spiral.

But this is where most people get healing journeys really twisted…including myself.

Coping and Growing

Just because we’re still feeling pain after “all this time” or “all this work” doesn’t mean that you and I are failing. It might actually be a sign that we are finally feeling it for the first time without abandoning ourselves.

Maybe you’re feeling this for the first time without picking up your phone to scroll TikTok and drown it out. Maybe it’s the first time you’re letting yourself actually feel the loss instead of hopping right back on the dating apps.

And hey, if you are doing those things…that’s okay, too. Sometimes habits we don’t care for can come back to the forefront when we’re going through something.

For example, I started drinking more than I’m used to during the breakup, and I was so judgmental toward myself for that…but then I thought, “You know what? This is going to run its course.”

And it did. Now I don’t even feel like having a drink at all most days. My system is ready to deal with the immense amount of grief that is there instead of drowning it out.

So don’t judge yourself for how you’ve been coping with this pain up until now. Whether it was drinking more than usual, partying, becoming avoidant, pouring yourself into work, or even rotting in bed for weeks, don’t shame yourself. Just know that you do have choice moving forward, and you can start to choose how you want your healing journey to look.

That’s not to say that you won’t ever have a drink again or you won’t ever binge a whole Netflix series in a day again…but that’s okay. Healing journeys can sometimes be one step forward, three steps back.

The Fully Healed Myth

There’s this myth out there that talks about the existence of a fully healed person. And maybe I’ll change my tune on this one day, but if I’m being honest…I don’t know if we’re ever fully healed.

I think we’re put on this planet to be in a continual process of learning and experiencing and growing. Healing fully would mean we’re done, right? We’re never going to need to grow or change again. Nothing will ever happen to us again that we need to learn from.

Honestly, that sounds pretty fucking sad.

We are in a society that is flooded with the 5:00 AM club and the special morning routine and green juice and never getting triggered over anything, ever—that performative healing, right? We talked about it earlier.

That performance is so prevalent because people don’t want to be fully seen. When you’re healing from a deep grief, it’s an extremely vulnerable place to be in. No one wants to get seen by their neighbor when they’re ugly crying to Taylor Swift in the car, right?

No one is showing the messiness of it all—and healing is a fucking mess, make no mistake.

Pretty much the entire time, you’re going to be sitting there going, “What the fuck? Is this even working?”

I promise you it is, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You just can’t see it until you look back in hindsight.

What Does Healing Actually Look Like?

Healing is not linear…and it’s not a finish line. But that doesn’t mean you stop trying to get as close as you fucking can, because that’s what you deserve, right?

I live in the Gold Coast of Australia, known for its sunshine and its beautiful beaches. And just a few weeks ago, we had a cyclone. Those beautiful beaches are destroyed now—but the sun has risen again. The beaches are being replenished, and they will be back to where they were over time.

Healing does happen. But we can’t expect that a cyclone is going to come in, wash away 80% of the beach, and then in 24 hours it’s going to look exactly like it did prior to the cyclone.

It’s the same way with your healing journey. You can’t expect that something really heavy, really intense, maybe even traumatic is going to happen, and you’re just going to snap your fingers and be good again. It’s going to take quite a while to replenish these beaches—but it’s not going to take forever.

What you’re feeling is not permanent. And as for what healing really feels like…healing is not about becoming untouchable. It’s not about becoming this unfeeling robot, which is honestly what I thought was going to happen. I thought that my benchmark for being “healed” would be becoming someone who never gets triggered, never gets angry, never gets frustrated, never overreacts, never feels sad, etcetera. I thought I would become someone very stoic, and I wouldn’t care what other people said about me or get devastated by relationships ending.

But I do care. I care about my relationship ending. I’m grieving deeply over that. And that doesn’t mean I’m not healing or that I haven’t been healing.

Healing is about becoming someone who’s in deep relationship with herself, even when—actually, especially when—she’s triggered.

Because it means we’re no longer abandoning ourselves. We’re connecting to ourselves first and foremost. And if you’re wondering what that means, being a connected woman…follow the link below and take a peek at my signature shadow work program, The Connected Woman.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

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Website: http://www.michellepanning.com