Today we’re talking about why you’re scared of healthy love…even though you swear that’s what you want.

I hear this from clients all the time. “I really want a healthy relationship. I want to feel secure. I want to feel seen. I want to feel chosen.” But then when it actually shows up, they end up sabotaging it.

Sooo…why tf does that happen?

Bored or Ick

I don’t have any regrets in my life, but I definitely look back at some people that I dated in my twenties and feel so sorry for them, in the sense that I didn’t treat them very well.

They were so wanting to choose me. They were so kind and generous and thoughtful and lovely…and I got instant ick. Instead, I would always go for the guy who was emotionally unavailable or wouldn’t fully commit.

So why do we do this? Because at the core, your nervous system doesn’t feel fully safe with healthy love. Even if you think you are doing “the work,” your body is still craving the highs and lows of a rollercoaster relationship.

This is where we get stuck in the fantasy of healthy love. We think that when we finally meet “the guy,” it’s going to feel easy.  He’ll be emotionally available, we’ll communicate clearly, and that will solve all of our problems, right? The problem is that we’re always going for men who aren’t choosing us.

But the thing is, when a man actually does do these things…you go cold. You get bored. You get suspicious. You get the ick. No matter what it makes you feel, it makes you do everything in your power to sabotage your way out of it.

Throw your hands up if I just called you out.

Not Broken, Just Scared

Before you spiral, this is not because you’re broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. This is your nervous system trying to protect you.

Your nervous system is telling you this is unfamiliar; this is fucking scary. The part of the brain that is scanning for threats actually cannot tell the difference between a bear running at you and a guy who’s actually honest and transparent about his feelings.

I know that sounds really insane, but it’s true. Obviously a man saying that he really likes you (and meaning it) is not threatening, but if you’ve never experienced a secure attachment, it’s going to feel threatening on some level.

Embodiment and Excuses

This is why I advocate for embodiment so much, because you can’t fucking mindset your way out of that response.

Your body is having a visceral response to someone who is actually a safe person. Until you recalibrate that reaction, you’re going to keep up this pattern of sabotage.

For example, I had a client who almost ended a relationship with a guy because he was “too nice.”

She threw up a million different excuses as to why he wasn’t it, one of which being “he’s too nice, it doesn’t feel real.”

Here’s the thing: there will be really beautiful, healthy, secure men that you meet that you’re genuinely not interested in. That’s just the nature of the game. You’re going to meet people you don’t click with, and that’s fine—you don’t need to marry someone just because they’re a healthy person.

But in this case, it didn’t feel like that situation. It was actually her inner child, who never received consistent love, being triggered as fuck.

This person, who was showing up and being consistent with her and not looping her into this guessing game of making her prove her worth, felt like a lie to her.

It felt unfamiliar, it felt like uncharted territory, and ultimately it didn’t feel safe.

If you’re experiencing this, it’s because your nervous system’s not calibrated for peace; it’s calibrated for pursuit.

That means it’s going to feel sexy when someone is making you work for it. When someone’s making you feel insecure. Then when healthy love arrives, you’re like, “Where’s the catch?”

But recalibration is possible—and we can start inside my program, The Connected Woman. You don’t even have to wait…because the next round opens up May 5^th.

I’d better see you there. It’s time to unscramble your nervous system.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

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Website: http://www.michellepanning.com