If you’ve been in my world for any length of time at all, then you’ve heard me talk about shadow work. Learning about shadow work is actually why a lot of people come into my world in the first place.

I’m not living under a bubble here. I know that shadow work is very popular and trendy at the moment, so I get why people come here thinking they can jump straight into shadow work…because they haven’t heard a thing about shadow work’s less sexy sister.

Meet ego work.

Not many people talk about this, but you can’t do shadow work without ego work, because you can’t understand shadows without understanding the ego as well.

I’m not going to go too far into this, because I have a whole module inside my Connected Woman program based around ego work; no use teaching you everything twice, right? But here are some of the basics to know about ego work…

What is The Ego?

If you aren’t familiar with the concept of the ego or ego work, the ego is the part of our psyche that is eternally in self-protection mode.

The ego defines your concept of self. It’s not only who you are from your own point of view, but also who you want to be seen as by others.

The ego is focused on self-protection and survival…a big part of which involves making sure that it’s right about itself. It wants to be right about what it is—whatever your concept of self is, the ego loves to focus on things that support that concept. And if anything comes in that goes against that concept of self, it will filter it right out and do its best to make you ignore it.

For instance, let’s say you’re someone who defines yourself as a  “strong, independent woman.” You’re basically going to filter out all of the things that don’t align with that vision.

In addition, you’re going to get very defensive if someone says anything that outright challenges your perception of yourself as that strong, independent woman.

Why? Because the ego prioritizes safety. And when you know who exactly who you are and what qualities you have, that is a safe, predictable place to be. But if something shows up that doesn’t match those qualities…suddenly, the unpredictable has come into play. And the unpredictable is dangerous.

Ego work is also important because the ego creates separation. It keeps a certain amount of space between you and others.

Because of that, you avoid vulnerability. And when there’s lack of vulnerability, you can’t actually have a fulfilling, deep, intimate relationship with someone, whether that’s a romantic partner, a friend, your child, or anyone else.

You can’t have deep connection without vulnerability and authenticity. But the ego will fight those things with all its might, because…

Vulnerability = Death

To your ego, vulnerability equals death.

This happens because at some point in your past, (whether it was one event or something that occurred over the majority of your life) when you had a moment of vulnerability, there was some sort of punishment that followed.

Maybe you were directly punished. Maybe you were called weak or called a pussy. Maybe it was more subtle, like someone withdrawing love from you. No matter how it went, that created a narrative in your head that it’s not safe to be vulnerable.

For me, my response to something coming against my ego is anger. But underneath that anger, I know there’s actually a softness I’m not willing to feel.

In these situations, I often have to take myself away and regulate myself so I can come back and dive into what’s underneath that.

Oftentimes it’s fear, hurt, grief, pain, sadness…all more vulnerable things than anger, right? But I had to do ego work to get myself to a place where I could recognize that in myself and recognize the need to step away to get back to the reality of what I was feeling and what was happening for me.

Even now, it takes a lot of courage for me to be vulnerable with my partner, even though I have the most beautiful partner who’s never, ever shamed me for my vulnerability, not even once.

It’s scary to do that.  But it’s also crucial to building trust and closeness in your relationship. And when we’re so caught up in our ego, we miss those opportunities.

Don’t Destroy Your Ego—Befriend It

Here’s the thing to know about ego work: no matter how much ego work you do, your ego is going to come up.

That’s what the ego is designed to do. It’s designed to keep you safe. We actually need our ego.

A lot of people want to get rid of the ego, but that’s not the point of ego work. We don’t want to destroy the ego; we want to make friends with the ego.

We want to look at the ego and ask ourselves how we can join forces with it. We can be grateful to it for keeping us safe and protecting us, acknowledge its necessity…and also do the ego work to make it possible for us to be vulnerable without the ego shutting us down.

Ego Work Central: The Connected Woman

If you’re curious about ego work but you don’t know where to start…uh, where have you been?

Just kidding. But seriously, this is the work that we do in The Connected Woman. As a coach, I can be direct and to the point. I will definitely kick your ass where you need it and let you know when you need to stop fucking around. But there’s also a real softness there.

You don’t have to be defensive. You don’t have to withdraw. All parts of you get to be invited to this party.

The messy parts, the chaotic parts, the parts of you that cause you to do cooked shit in your relationships, the part of you that loves so deeply it’s scary, the part of you that has a fucking massive ego…all of us have been there, and all parts of you are welcome.

The Connected Woman is where you will face your ego head-on,  and that doesn’t have to be scary. You get to face it, you get to do the ego work, and then you get to replace your ego-driven reactions with true vulnerability. You get to create true intimacy with yourself first…then with another person. 

Everything changes when you do ego work and stop letting your ego be in control.

Your ego shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat. Your ego should be your passenger princess.

We want the ego. We need the ego to consult with us, but we can’t let it run the show,  because your ego will choose you being right over you being happy every single time. 

If this spoke to you, I would really encourage you to come into the Connected Woman. You, your ego, and all your vulnerable parts are welcome. I’ll see you there.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow-work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

Are you a woman with all the knowledge, but none of the embodiment? Are you ready to remember who TF you are? Then you need to sign up for ALCHEMY – THE RETREAT: https://michellepanning.my.canva.site/alchemy 

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com