As the name of my podcast suggests, I am to help you unfuck your relationships…and the way that we are going to do that today is by talking about how your inner child is kind of ruining your relationships. 

I’m not saying that to put you down. I’m not trying to make you feel shame. It’s just to help you become aware of it so that you can start acting like an adult in your relationship.

But first…

What is the Inner Child?

When I first created my signature shadow work program, The Connected Woman, inner child was one of the modules. Then about a year ago, I started considering taking Inner Child out of the program ; not because it wasn’t a f*cking amazing module, because it is, but because I was thinking, “Oh, it’s so basic. Everyone knows about Inner Child.

Today, I’m sooo fucking glad that I never took it out of the program, because there absolutely are people who still aren’t familiar with the concept, and it’s so important to understand.

When I first discovered this work, I actually went on a healing journey to Thailand and had a little Eat, Pray, Love moment. And it was there that I first discovered the inner child.

I had a Reiki session,  and the woman told me  there was a song that she wanted me to listen to while I talked to my inner child. And I was like, “I’m sorry, but what the fuck is an inner child?” 

So if you don’t know what the inner child is—or maybe you’ve heard of it, but you’ve never explored your relationship with your inner child—I’m going to give you a basic overview today about who the inner child is, how she shows up, and how you can start to connect with her.

The way that I personally see it is that we have multiple inner children within us. We have an inner two-year-old, five-year-old, eight-year-old, ten-year-old, twelve-year-old, sixteen-year-old, and so on. And what happens is a part of our psyche essentially gets stunted at a certain age, and that gives us an emotional trigger in a relationship.

When the inner child is integrated, she’s deeply innocent, sensitive, happy, joyful, and curious. She has a very wonderstruck kind of energy.

But when she’s wounded—and most people’s inner children are wounded, because the inner child is where your deep emotional wounds are stored—she creates reactivity patterns in our relationships. 

This could look like you acting out, you throwing a tantrum, you being manipulative, you trying to  stir the pot so that you can get a reaction out of your partner, you trying to make them jealous, you withdrawing your love, you shutting down, you needing constant validation…all kinds of things can present when you have a wounded inner child.

One pattern, for instance, might be continually going for the same types of men who consistently let you down. Because you were so starved for love as a child, you’re essentially dumpster diving for love now. You’ll take anything you can get. You’re willing to

Settle for absolute motherfucking breadcrumbs.

(Which is so not the vibe, by the way. Let’s not settle for breadcrumbs. Let’s get the whole bakery, shall we?)

All that to say, if you didn’t get your emotional needs met in childhood, then you’re going to

keep searching for that need to be met as an adult.Here’s what you need to remember: these inner child wounds are not just coming up so that you can continue to act like a spoiled brat and sabotage all your relationships. You will continue to attract the same people, partners, situations, events, circumstances, etcetera so that these wounds can come up. Those patterns will give you the opportunity to transcend those wounds, integrate them, and heal them at the root.

What is the Inner Child so Afraid Of?

Ultimately, this all comes down to a fear of abandonment.

The inner child is, most of the time, terrified of being left. And this could manifest as desperation—“Please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me!”—or “I’m going to push you away in order to protect myself.” And that’s going to create chaos in your relationships.

Until we can recognize the little one within us and create space for her and honor her,  nothing’s going to shift. Even just placing a fucking hand on your heart and telling her, “Hi, I’m here. What’s this feeling of rejection or abandonment about?”

You have to check in with yourself and see if that pain is about what’s happening in front of you, or if it’s a wound that feels like it’s been with you your entire life.

These wounds are just going to keep playing out over and over and over. It does not matter if you break up with the current guy that you’re with; you’ll meet it again in the next relationship. And the one after that. And the one after that. And the one after that.

Even if you’re in a marriage, you’ll keep meeting it over and over and over again. You’ll feel like you’ve resolved it, and then you’ll land right back in it again.

You won’t be able to break that gridlock, because you’re not looking at the source. You’re not looking at those deep childhood wounds that were not met. You’re not willing to meet those for yourself.  You’re not willing to ask your partner to support you in that journey. You’re not opening up. You’re not being vulnerable, because vulnerability makes you think you’re going to get hurt, which is not necessarily true.

What To Do Next

Inside The Connected Woman, we work on healing those deep inner child wounds through embodied shadow work. Because when you start healing your inner child,  you become emotionally grounded.  You become secure.  You can handle challenges that arise in relationships—and challenges will arise. It’s ridiculous to think that they won’t.

But if your inner child is in the driver’s seat when those challenges come, you’re not going to have any idea how to navigate them. You as the adult want to be in control, but that requires a process of maturing.

What I want to leave you with is this: you cannot keep asking your partner to heal the wounds that your parents left behind. It’s not your partner’s job to raise the little girl within you—it’s yours.

It’s beautiful to have a partner who can support you on your journey. But at the end of the day, it’s your responsibility.

You need to choose: do you want to keep doing the same thing over and over and over?  Or do you want to do something different? 

If you want to do something different, I highly recommend you join the Connected Woman. I’ll give you a crash course in parenting that inner child.

In the meantime, I love you all, and I’ll see you next time.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow-work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

Are you a woman with all the knowledge, but none of the embodiment? Are you ready to remember who TF you are? Then you need to sign up for ALCHEMY – THE RETREAT: https://michellepanning.my.canva.site/alchemy 

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.coming.com