Hello, my loves. Let’s talk about controlling behavior in relationships.

Whether controlling behavior shows up in your partner or if it shows up in your behavior patterns, this will help you clock that shit…even the sneaky stuff.

Overt Control

The first type of control that I want to get into is the obvious one: overt control.

This is the kind of control that everyone recognizes right away. This is the person who’s always telling their partner what to do and how to do it, how they should live, who they should be, what they shouldn’t wear, what they shouldn’t do, who they can talk to, who they can’t talk to, etcetera, etcetera.

An example of the overt control could be telling your partner, “I don’t want you to hang out with that person anymore. They’re a bad influence.”

A caveat: you can absolutely give your perspective on something. If you’ve noticed that things have been shifting for your partner in a bad way since they’ve been hanging around that person, or if they’re the kind of person who’s always in a victim mindset or is always shooting down your partner’s excitement or hopes or dreams, that’s absolutely something you can point out if your partner is open to that feedback.

But to just tell them that they can’t hang out with someone anymore because they’re a “bad influence”—AKA, you don’t care for them—is definitely overt controlling behavior.

In that situation, you are trying to control the narrative and control the other person so that you can feel more secure.

This can come up in a few different ways: “I don’t want you talking to this person. I don’t want you following this person on Instagram. I think you should block this person.” It’s not always in-person friendships.

To add another caveat, because this issue is very fucing nuanced, it’s different if your partner cheated on you and you want them to block the person they cheated with or something. That’s fair play. But if you are asking them to block their friends because you feel threatened by them or jealous of them, that’s different.

There’s a difference, too, between setting a boundary in your relationship and being controlling.  For example, maybe you’re not okay with your partner watching porn. You don’t get to dictate and say, “You don’t get to watch porn because that makes me feel uncomfortable,” but you can say, “Hey, this a boundary for me.” And if that boundary is not respected, then maybe that’s not the relationship for you.

That’s not controlling or giving an ultimatum. It’s just that you know that that’s not something that you want as part of your life. If that’s something that they want part of their life, you can honor and respect that and also acknowledge that you two might not be a good match.

Ultimately, controlling behavior comes from one root: you want to contort this person to be who you want them to be so that you don’t have to experience your triggers. 

And yes, sometimes controlling behavior is this overt…but it isn’t always.

Covert Control

We all understand the overt kind of controlling behavior, but there’s also another form of control. This is overt control’s sneakier twin: covert control.

This is where things get interesting, because covert controlling behavior is a lot more subtle.

You might think that you’re being really thoughtful and kind and generous…you’re really trying to influence how your partner feels about you and perceives you.

An example of covert controlling behavior would be canceling your plans with your girlfriends to make yourself available to the guy that you’ve been on four dates with in order to show how cruisy and open and grateful you are.

“Oh, I’m so willing to cancel my plans just to be there for you. Oh, you’re having a feeling? Let me drop what I’m doing to be there for you.”

It looks generous and kind on the outside, but in reality, you do it because you want them to see you a certain way. And even though you’re not telling them what to do outright, you’re trying to control how they respond to you.

Can you see the difference? You’re not telling them what to do, but you are trying to control how they feel about you, how they respond to you, how they react to you, how they perceive you, all of those things.

In fact…when you look closely at these covert controlling behaviors, you’ll see why a lot of people-pleasers are actually covert controllers.

You didn’t think I was going to say that, did you? But it’s true.

This is why the covert controller is just as damaging as the obvious one. You might think, “Well, I’m not being demanding or harsh, so what’s the harm in it?”

Here’s the harm in it: though you’re not being as obvious as the overt control freak,  you’re still trying to manipulate the outcome.

You’re not being vulnerable. You’re not being fucking real. And without vulnerability and realness, you cannot have true intimacy.

If you are stuck in this manipulative energy, you’re not going to be able to create a healthy, sustainable, fulfilling, intimate relationship, because what happens is you end up putting your own needs last. You think that if you’re nice enough, your partner will finally treat you how you want.

But in the end, it ends up backfiring, because you end up feeling resentful. You end up feeling burned out from trying to always fucking present this mask and present yourself to be someone you’re not.

So in the end, the control doesn’t even get you what the fuck you want. You’re still not happy.

Control is Control is Control

You might be the more obvious overt controller, or you might be the more subtle covert controller. But if any of this sounds like you,  you’re engaging in controlling behavior nonetheless. 

Controlling behavior is controlling behavior, no matter how it shows up. It’s all about trying to influence another person so that you feel better, and that is not the path to love and connection.  It is a recipe for resentment and distance.

If you want to break free from these patterns and have deeply enriching, fulfilling relationships where you don’t have to wear your happy, cruisy bullshit mask all the time, then come fucking work with me in The Connected Woman.

I know people get pissed sometimes when I promote myself here, but I do it because I believe that my work will change your fucking life. Actually, I don’t just believe it—I know it.

I’ve taken hundreds of people through this program. I have seen it change people’s lives. I’ve seen women get pregnant with their husbands. I have seen people get engaged. I have had people end physically and emotionally abusive relationships. I have seen people start new relationships. I have seen people say, “Oh my God, I have jumped from relationship to relationship to relationship for my entire life, and for the first time, I am loving being single.”

I have seen it all, and at the core of it, it comes from you connecting to you. So no, I will not shut the fuck up about my programs and my work, because it is needed. It is doing a disservice to you and to the rest of the fucking planet if I do not talk about my services, so I will continue to do so. Thank you so much. I will see you in the next one.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

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