I don’t know about you, but I’m still feeling fresh to death from the New Year.

I love this time of year. It always feels like it’s brimming with possibility and the potential for change…which is exactly what we need to tackle the subject I’m covering today.

Today, I want to talk to you about becoming the main character in your love life.

I talk a lot about becoming the main character in your life, period—but today, I really want to shape the conversation around playing the main character in your love life, specifically.

You know why? Because too many of you are like you’re the fucking sidekick.

You’re waiting for someone else to make the first move because you’re scared. You’re apologizing for your needs and/or desires. You’re apologizing for your requirements—or you’ve forgotten that you even have requirements. You’re settling for half-assed love.

This is not the vibe. This is not the character we’re playing in 2025. It’s time we rewrite the script.

Rewrite the Script

When I say “rewrite the script,” that’s not just a catchy turn of phrase. I actually mean that it is up to you to rewrite the script you’re working off of.

You are not only the main character of this production (AKA life); you are also the producer, the director, the screenwriter, the casting director, the costume designer, etcetera. You are everything: cast, crew, and audience.

This means if you don’t like how things are panning out for you currently, you get to genuinely sit down and do some major rewrites. Look at the script, tear it to little smithereens, throw it over your shoulder, bless it, love it, leave it…and write a new one.

But first…how do you know that you’re not casting yourself as the main character already?

Signs You’re the Sidekick in Your Own Love Life

Let’s talk about the signs that you’re not the main character in your own love life right now.

Waiting to Be Chosen

The first telltale sign that you are stuck in sidekick energy is that you’re waiting to be chosen.

If you are constantly waiting for the other person to take the lead, to go first, to define the relationship, etcetera…that doesn’t sound like main character energy to me.

If you like someone, but you never bring it up because you’re scared of rejection, that’s not the vibe. Why are you doing that?

If it’s coming from a space of feminine energy, where you’re very relaxed and comfortable in the connection and you’re waiting to see where it goes, that’s different. But if you’re constantly on edge and feeling like you don’t want to say anything in case he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s sidekick energy.

Here’s a little secret for you: people you have a connection with? They are a dime a dozen. There are so many people that you could have chemistry with—it is not the once-in-a-lifetime thing people make it out to be.

If he isn’t interested…that’s all right. You don’t need to be stuck waiting on someone else to choose you.

When you are waiting to be chosen by someone else, that tells me that you haven’t fully chosen yourself.

Here’s the way that I see it: if I were to go through a breakup now, I know that I would be okay.

I would be devastated. I would be so fucking sad about losing my relationship and losing this man in my life. But I also know that I would fall in love again at some point…and I also know that I really, really love my own energy.

I love being with myself. Being with myself doesn’t feel like a punishment.

When you consider it a punishment to be with you, then you’ll always waiting for the other person to choose you and validate that you’re lovable.

And even when you actually do get chosen, you’re always going to be in sabotage mode, because you can’t fathom why they’ve chosen you in the first place.

Shrinking Yourself Down

The next telltale sign that you’re stuck in sidekick energy is that you constantly shrink yourself.

You stay low maintenance to avoid being “too much,” and can I just say…not sexy.

That’s exhausting, actually. I would know, because I once did this to myself non-stop.

I wanted to be low-maintenance because I was afraid that my requirements and my standards were going to be too much for a man.

Now, I won’t lie to you—it was too much for most men. That’s true. But not for the man. Not for the man I ended up with.

I know that I am high maintenance. I’m not a chill girl. I like things a certain way. I’m specific about my desires. I have a lot of needs, and I’m okay with meeting those needs myself.

I take care of myself exquisitely. So if you’re going to come into my life, you have to match or exceed that. 

You can accept the fact that you are “high maintenance” and not think of it as something to be ashamed of, right? Don’t hide what you actually want because you’re afraid of being “too much.”

For example, don’t say that you’re okay with casual dating when you actually want exclusivity. That’s not even you being high maintenance—that’s just you being honest.

Getting to know your requirements, your deal-breakers, and all of those things so that you can actually relay that in your love life is so, so crucial.

And just so you know, a masculine man who desires the same things as you? He wants the roadmap to how to make you happy, as well.

If you’re saying that you’re fine with one thing, he might be like, “Great. I’m making her so happy.” Meanwhile, you’re in the back like, “He never meets my needs.” Um, have you told him that you have needs? Have you told him that you have desires? Have you told him that you have requirements?

If you haven’t, you’re not even giving him a chance. And if you have, but he is not meeting them and has no desire to meet them…then what are you doing in that relationship?

Prioritizing Their Needs

The last telltale sign that you are stuck in sidekick energy is that you prioritize their needs over yours.

Now, I’m not the girl who’s going to say it’s all about the woman, it’s all about your needs, and his needs absolutely don’t matter. His needs are also important.

But we still want to have it balanced. So many women that I speak to are overly taking responsibility for their partner’s needs and their own needs in their relationships.

They’re overly generous with their time, their money, their energy, their resources, etcetera…and then they’re wondering why they’re feeling resentful and stuck and like he doesn’t meet their needs.

This goes back to not trying to be low maintenance and actually letting him know that you do have needs. Take a close look at where you’re actually bending over backwards for a man who barely meets you halfway.

Let’s be honest—how often are you putting everyone else’s needs above your own in relationships? You’re taking care of him, your kids if you have them, your extended family, the fucking cat or dog…what about you? Who looks after you? Who’s taking care of you? Who’s paying for you to do the things that you want to do? I’m so glad that your kids are in soccer and hockey and whatever, but when do you get do the things you want to do?

Stepping Into The Spotlight

If you’re stuck in sidekick energy, it’s not too late to step into the spotlight and become the main character. And if you don’t know where to start, I’ll tell you:

First, go to the Unf*ck Your Relationships podcast and listen to Episode 181. I go a bit more in-depth about sidekick energy and the signs to watch out for, but i also give you concrete ways to start moving into main character energy.

And once you’ve done that…head over to my signature confidence program, Main Character Energy (aptly named) and get your ass in there. It’s all about making you the main character in EVERY area of your life—your love life, your career, your friendships, everything. You will not walk out the same woman you are now.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY: https://michellepanning.thrivecart.com/mce-feb-25/ 

Join The EXPERIENCE, a year-long mentorship for the woman who wants to play in the frequency of big love, epic sex and mind-blowing relationships with men…and herself: https://michellepanning.com/the-experience 

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com