Hello, my loves. Today, we have the infamous Sabrina Zohar here. She is an incredible dating and relationship coach, one I’ve actually followed for a few years on TikTok, so I’m doubly excited to have her on today.

You all know the stage I’m at currently in my life, so you can imagine I’m looking forward to getting Sabrina’s take on all things dating and relationships. I know I’ve got some juicy questions and some hot takes ready for her, so…please welcome Sabrina!

Sabrina: Hello to the world! As Michelle said, my name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am a dating and relationship coach. I have a podcast called the Sabrina Zohar Show where I ramble on for 30 minutes every week about random shit that has to do with dating anxiety, doing the work, healing, whatever I feel like at the time. And I’m so excited to jump in here.

Limerence: The Addiction Loop

Michelle: One thing I want to start with, because you talk about this on your social media, is the concept of limerence.

Limerence comes into play when you keep getting overly attached to the idea of these people you’re meeting, only for them to end up falling way short of those expectations (aka fantasies) later. Why do people do this?

Sabrina: Limerence in a nutshell, for those who aren’t familiar, is an addiction loop.

It’s an obsession. It hits the same parts of the brain that a drug or chemical addiction would hit. And when you’re in a limerent state, it actually tends to highlight what unmet needs are coming out.

There are a lot of coaches and people that will try to normalize this state and call it a normal part of dating, but that’s not right. It actually makes dating a hugely dysregulating experience.

Here’s an example: when I lived in Venice, there was this one guy living there, some kind of social media guy with millions of followers, and I would see him all the time while I was walking around. And I remember being like, “Oh my God, he’s so cute.” He was just okay. But he had a certain swag about him.

So with that, I started creating castles in the sky. I started daydreaming about what we could do and have and create if he just chose me. I started to create this obsession with him, but what it really stemmed from was the narrative I was telling myself subconsciously.

“If he chooses me, then I’m actually cool. The popular person chose me. That means that all these people are going to respect me because I’m his girl now, and you have to take me seriously.”

That whole obsession really came from my own insecurities. Was I obsessed with him? No, this guy was emotionally unavailable. But I liked that his unavailability was a challenge for me to overcome. And if I could get him, that meant something about me.

As far as what that obsession looked like, I was checking my texts all the time. I would check his social media every five seconds. I would walk on the same street hoping that maybe I’d run into him or he’d see me and remember me. I would go to the gym a bunch, hoping that I’d see him out.

When you’re obsessed and hyper-focused and you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t do anything, then you’re not in love—you’re dysregulated.

That’s what your nervous system is saying. “I’m only safe if I have this person.” And we get addicted to that loop of dopamine, even if it isn’t successful.

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that gets released in anticipation of something. So when you’re waiting for a goal, when you’re working towards something, you’re releasing dopamine. You’re waiting for the text, you’re checking your phone every five seconds to see when they’re going to reach out, and that’s releasing more of the drug.

It is a drug, by the way. Your body will start to consider that heightened dopamine as baseline, so you’ll need more and more and more to get the same hit. That’s why the obsession grows and nothing satiates it, because it really is a need that can’t be satisfied.

When you finally do get the thing, serotonin gets released instead. You got the reward—great. Now you need more for the next one, and it just keeps the cycle going when what we need to do is look at it and say, “What the fuck do I know about this person that I would be obsessed with?”

At the end of the day, you actually only obsess over people that don’t make you feel safe. And that is because there’s so much ambiguity. You get to fill in the blanks with whatever your core belief is, and that mystery is what creates the dopamine rush.

The Pinch and the Ouch

Michelle: So let me ask: how does someone know the difference between healthy love and just being bored? Because I often see this pendulum swing where women go from this state of limerence, realize it’s not healthy, and then they go and date someone boring as fuck. They’re actually not interested in this person at all, but because they’re trying to get away from the obsession, they’re like, “Is this what love feels like? Because it’s so beyond boring.”

There is a middle ground, obviously, but how do you know when you’re actually into someone, when you’re obsessing over someone, or when you’re actually just not interested in someone?

Sabrina: Totally a valid question.

So, limerence is a very human thing to happen, especially with anxious attachment. But when you’re in that dynamic, the overthinking, the people pleasing, you actually start to self-abandon, and you don’t look at what’s coming up for you.

So in order to tell what’s happening, the first thing I want to look at is what’s happening in your body.

When we have high anxiety, it activates our vagus nerve. That’s why we get chest pains and discomfort or stomach aches when we’re anxious—it’s our vagus nerve letting us know that we’re nervous. We’re dysregulated.

We want to look and say, “What does that state look like in my body? Do my shoulders start to tense? Am I sweating? Is my heart heavy? Do I have palpitations?  Is my brain on overdrive? What does dysregulation look like to me?” so we can recognize it when it happens.

When you’re really hyper-focused on somebody, it’s because you’re craving safety any way you can get it, and external validation feels like the easiest and the safest way to do it.

So the first thing I look at is what’s happening in my body. If I’m dysregulated, that’s a bad sign.

Next, I want to look at the story and the narrative I’ve created.

The way I usually say it is, “Does the pinch match the ouch?”

When I’m obsessing over somebody, I’ve had one date with this person, and I’m already crying on the floor over them…the pinch doesn’t match the ouch. The wounding doesn’t match the pain.

I don’t know this person. I only know the version they want me to see. So if the pinch doesn’t match the ouch, that’s another mark in favor of obsession over interest.

Next, we go into cognitive biases.

When we’re dealing with cognitive biases, we start to see what we want to see. We get the halo effect, which essentially means we saw one thing we liked about someone and everything else also became incredible. It’s like that one trait threw a filter over them.

So that’s how we identify obsession. But when we go to the boring bit, it’s a little different.

Look, I don’t need anyone to do charity work. You don’t have to entertain someone you don’t even like. But there is an in-between where you can identify the difference between being bored and just not being used to being interested AND regulated.

When I met my partner, I kept finding every excuse to be like, “He’s not it for me.” I was like, “He’s not my type. He’s not tall—” He’s tall, he’s six foot five, by the way, “—he’s not tattooed or six-packed, he doesn’t have blue eyes or brown hair. He’s okay, but…meh.”

So at first, when we were on our date, I was ambivalent. He was nice, but he’s also super introverted. It takes him a minute to open up. So I wasn’t sure, btu then he would make a joke where all of a sudden I was like, “Oh, you, you do have a sense of humor.”

I started to see glimmers of the personality behind the “boring.” Then when he touched me, I was like, “Oh, I’m not flinching.” Good sign. Still regulated, but still enjoying myself.

We hooked up on our first date, which was fun. But I left saying, “Hey, if I never see him again, that was a good time. And if I do, cool—this guy seems lovely.”

So I enjoyed being around him, but I didn’t have that “I need you” energy. It was, “I want you in my life. I enjoyed my time with you. You’re fun. You might not be my type physically, but I still find you attractive, and we had a great time sexually.”

That’s what we want to look like. We don’t want the pendulum swinging so severely that you’re either settling or you’re full-blown obsessed.

Somebody safe for you is somebody that validates your emotions and feelings, can show up for you, will hold space for you, doesn’t ridicule or judge you if you come to them with something, actively listens, etcetera.

Those are the elements you want to look for. And when you are not used to that—when you’re used to somebody who puts you down or talk shit or makes fun of you—then someone who’s secure, healthy, and validating is going to feel really fucking uncomfortable at first. 

Get the Rest on Unf*ck Your Relationships!

I’m so thrilled that Sabrina was able to come on and discuss the limerence loop, but there’s so much more shit we went over that couldn’t fit here. We talked exes, the evils of modern dating (and what we’d change if we could), the absolute fucking WILDEST small-world story I’ve ever heard, and so much more.

Head to Unf*ck Your Relationships Episode 189 now to hear it all. You can’t miss this shit, seriously.

WORK WITH SABRINA:

Website: https://www.sabrinazohar.com/ 

CONNECT WITH SABRINA:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sabrina.zohar/ 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sabrina.zohar 

Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/2Dsp24A82JkYRXytiA2qRt?si=gCgNRBDiSZOKkTGh8r_-SA&nd=1&dlsi=0d638797b2134735 

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com