This is the story of how I got roasted by Dr. Gabor Maté.

No, it’s not clickbait—I genuinely got f*cking burned to a CRISP…in the best way.

Let’s talk about it.

The Backstory

So a couple of weeks ago, Dr. Gabor Maté was on the Gold Coast, and I went with my mentor and a friend of mine to see him speak.

If you’ve read any of his books, you might be familiar, but this was his tour for his book called The Myth of Normal. Full transparency, I haven’t read any of his books, but I’ve consumed a lot of his content, and I really resonate with his teachings.

During the event, I got to ask a question, which was so incredible. And since I’m going through a breakup (as most of you know) the question I had on my mind had to do with my feelings toward my ex-partner.

I asked Dr. Gabor Maté how to navigate between my compassion towards my ex-partner, despite the relationship’s ending, because of his trauma and how that trauma has manifested in certain behaviors or certain choices…while also feeling so angry about the destruction of the relationship.

The Burn

I want to lead by saying that Dr. Maté didn’t say anything that I didn’t already know. I already intellectually knew all these things, but hearing it from another person, especially someone that I respect and admire so much, really changed the game for me.

So, when I asked this question, Dr. Gabor Maté asked me what I was feeling angry about.

I said, “I feel angry that I’ve been sold a lie. He said he was one thing, and he turned out to be another.”

Then came the moment where Dr. Maté roasted me in the best way possible.

He asked me, “At any time during the relationship, did you feel like this wasn’t the right relationship for you?”

I said, “Yeah, there were times that I felt that.”

“Right,” he said. “So who lied to who?”

Oh.

Oh.

I was so stuck in the story of “He’s lied to me about who he is” when really, he didn’t lie to me. I knew it wasn’t the right relationship for me—but I stayed. Why? Because I lied to me.

The Bullshit

There were times where I knew it wasn’t the right relationship for me anymore, but I stayed anyway. I gaslit and bullshit myself because I didn’t want to give up on him. I don’t want to give up on the relationship. I didn’t want my audience to think, “Oh, Michelle’s had another failed relationship, so what does that say about her credibility?” or other stuff like that.

I just kept telling myself, “We can get through this. We’ll do more work together.” Because the thing is, my ex-partner and I have so much love for each other. This has been the hardest breakup, because I feel like I’m losing my best friend. I feel like I’m losing my person.

Because my attachment to that,  I was very much in “we can save this” mode. I was doing the most and overly taking responsibility to try and “fix” it.

This isn’t about absolving him of responsibility.  It takes two people to create a relationship dynamic. But I also need to take responsibility for where I deceived myself.

So while that sentiment from Dr. Gabor Maté was painful, it was also incredibly empowering, because it reminded me that I always knew the truth. My gut told me what was happening. But I did my best to talk myself out of it.

The Way Back

So after Dr. Gabor Maté made this click for me, I then had to look at the other areas in my life where I might be overriding my inner knowing.

It could be something as simple as, “I feel attached to getting a pizza tonight” when my inner knowing is that my body actually needs some good, nourishing food in it. It could be something as complicated as talking myself back into a relationship over and over.

If this is resonating with you, I really encourage you to reflect on that even outside of your relationships. You want to look at that, yes, but also look at your friendships, your relationship with money, your relationship to your career…where are you letting yourself get away with shit that you know is not going to fucking support you?

“Oh, I’m just going to do it next time. I’ll sign up to that thing that I’ve really been wanting to do next time. I’ll eat something healthy for my next meal.” Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Sex is a big one, too, actually. Are you having sex with people because you’re physically attracted to them or you have great chemistry, but ultimately your inner knowing is telling you that this is not a safe person? That’s an area of this you might need to pay attention to. Your intuition is f*cking powerful.

It’s very easy to tell yourself a story. It was easy for me to live in the story of “He’s lied, he’s lied, he’s lied”—but where have I lied?

So What Now?

If this resonated with you, there’s a whole lot more to hear. Head to Unf*ck Your Relationships and turn on Episode 190 to get the rest!

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