In self-help seminars the world over, they say, “You’re only as sick as all your secrets.” Why then, do we as a society, form horrible opinions about those who struggle with STDs?

This stigma is incredibly harmful and produces an array of unpleasant emotional side-effects on top of an already stressful situation. Worse than that, though: 

• It can hinder people from seeking treatment. I think we have all encountered that special glare from that one gyno, and not even for something as stigmatized as an STI. I said what I said about my sex life, just give me my cold-handed breast exam, Susan.
• It can make those with STDs feel like they’re broken or damaged, which is a huge and unfair emotional burden.
• Perhaps worst of all, shame can make people hesitant to be honest about their STD status to potential partners. This can lead to spread that could have otherwise been avoided.

In this post, I’m grateful for the chance to be upfront and in doing so, hopefully dispel some of the harmful misconceptions surrounding STIs. Life and dating are hard enough without enduring peoples’ baseless biases. 

Don’t Internalize the Stigma

Let’s just get right to it. Real talk, I have herpes. Before I contracted it, I never gave it much thought. I vaguely remember a Valtrex commercial where an exuberant woman seemed overjoyed as she rode a horse. Why was everyone in that commercial creepily happy while they did everyday things like dance or hold hands? Did having it really change your life that much?

Then I contracted it. And it felt devastating, not only physically, but emotionally as well. I really thought my romantic life was over. I reduced myself to nothing more than my diagnosis; I was nothing more than a walking virus. I felt like some dirty, ruined wretch you’d find in the poorhouse of a Dickens’ novel. 

But after some time, you know what I ended up learning? Lots of things:

• I learned that STIs are incredibly common.
• I learned about stress and other triggers; I found new and better ways to care for my body and be gentle with myself.
• I learned stigma is really just a projection of fear, and that it was society’s problem, not mine.
• I learned that I am an empowered and strong woman who, yes, has an STI, but that doesn’t invalidate my value as a human being. 
• Most importantly, I learned that I have love to give, and I deserve to receive love back.

Mutual Sexual Health Requires Full Disclosure

Guys, if you have an STI, unless you’re on the same moral level as Voldemort, you have to be honest about it with potential partners. 

Look, I get it. Disclosing this information sets the mood as much as a lecture on various decomposition rates. But you owe it to whomever you’re dating (and your karma bank) to be honest about your STI status. 

I’m not suggesting you blurt it out on your first date before the appetizer comes, but once you guys are ready to be intimate the conversation needs to be had. In general, if you can’t talk about sex you shouldn’t be having it. And if you’re not seeking partners who offer you unconditional respect, you shouldn’t be having sex with them specifically.

Tips to Tread Lightly and Honestly Before Intimacy 

Ok, but how do you actually…you know…say it? I’m glad you asked. Here’s what I do: 

• Come armed with knowledge – The best defense is a good offense. And you can bet they’ll likely have questions. Be prepared to answer all of them, casually but knowledgeably. (I would definitely recommend following STI Educator, Emily L. Depasse, for some incredibly valuable information and statistics on sexual health & STIs)
• Stay. Calm. – The energy you bring to the honesty table is the energy they will feed on. If you panic, they will panic. I’m not saying minimize it, but don’t make your diagnosis a bigger deal than it needs to be. 
• Timing is everything – Right before hands (or other *ahem* body parts) make their way down south is not the ideal time for this revelation. But blurting it out in between adoring gazes in a restaurant is also not ideal timing. Find the sweet spot between blindsiding them and/or murdering the mood. Just the two of you, while you’re having a glass of Merlot back at their place, is pretty perfect. No, wait, Rosè!
• Know your worth – Remember, their reaction, regardless if it’s good or bad, is not a reflection of you. You are a complete, beautiful, loveable, woman and if they can’t see that, well, they’ve just done you a favor. (To be completely honest, I’ve yet to have my herpes be a true deal-breaker).

Embrace You Life, Stigma-free: The Bottomline 

Thanks for reading, and for giving me this chance to make a vulnerable connection. If you take nothing else away from this, I hope it’s that you don’t need to settle for less because you think that you’re less. 

You’re not. You never will be. You are so much more than any illness or moment or feeling of shame. You deserve real love built on trust and honesty, and I hope this post was a helpful reminder of that.  

Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship and sexual health journey together.

And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself and living your dream life!

See you back here in the next one!