I Ain’t* Afraid of No Ghosts

Well, it happened. Things were going so well, right? Sure, you weren’t exclusive, but you were talking on the reg and you’d been out to dinner a few times. You could probably ID his body for a medical examiner if push came to shove, doesn’t that mean something?!

Apparently not, because he either fell off the face of the planet or…he’s ghosting you. No contact. None. Not even a wistful regretful letter or email. So what the hell do you do when the one person you want to call is the very person you can’t? 

Devon Sawa’s “Casper” would never pull this shit. 

Ghosting may be common these days, but so were flared jeans- doesn’t make either of those things ok. Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about a serious partner who just up and leaves you. That’s a blog for another day/ definitely won’t be a step-by-step list on how to track someone down and make them regret every breath they’ve taken in your absence.

Today we’re talking about those who are running around in the dating world, who thought that 2 dates and feigned interest in sportsball would at least grant you the dignity of a goodbye text.

But Why, Tho?

To understand the male blow-off monster, we must peek inside the mind of the male blow-off monster. So, what do we figure…

Well, possibly it’s as simple as he’s just not very into you. Which, fine, but you held hands in a terminal Barnes and Noble, sir, you owe me a goodbye. But really, when you think about it, this goon did you a favor. Do you want to be involved with a man-child who is incapable of emotional maturity and expression? None for me, thanks.

We can also probably infer that he had a shitty childhood. Sorry bout it, but guess what, being an emotionally stunted dude with commitment issues is only cute in a romance novel. In real life, it leaves much to be desired; go to therapy and learn how to communicate.  

Maybe after hanging out a bit, all he can see is your red flags. Not in a uni-bomber kind of way, but more of a, “Gee, we are genuenly incompatible” kind of way. Cool, but could ya let a girl know that it’s because of incompatible levels of enthusiasm over hiking and not a raging personality flaw on my end?

Then there’s always the classic “someone else” scenario. The gorgeous other woman, who is the antithesis of you and has none of your bad qualities. Have fun ruminating over that one before bed, you emotional masochist. Sweet dreams.

How to Deal

Guess what, though? His reason(s) don’t matter. Because the fact that he is incapable of honest communication, makes every one of those a moot point.

Also, please don’t internalize or assume anything about yourself based on the disappearing act of an immature man.

If it makes you feel better, I once got stood up. Like, we were talking a lot and things seemed great and the next day he totally blew me off. 

Yeah, at first I was embarrassed, but then I thought about it, and he’s the one who looks weird. We were talking. And flirting. And clearly, we both wanted a relationship — it’s why we were talking to each other and planning a date. I’m not crazy for having an expection of follow-through. 

I also tried hard not to demonize him. I don’t really know him, or his reason for not showing that day; there is also the very small possibility he died and his family is reading this right now. If so, I’m sure he was great, he seemed really sweet.

He’s Out There and You’ll Find Him, But Not if You’re Desperate: the Bottomline

Never regret putting yourself out there. It’s so brave, and if the worst happens it’s a great way to practice processing hard emotions.

But, even when you’re in the thick of putting yourself out there, you have got to stop treating every man like he’s “the one”. Because you’re going to idealize him and accept flaws you normally wouldn’t and change yourself to make him stay because he’s THE ONE.

No. False. There is no “one,” statistically there are like 6 for each of us. And guess what? They all burp or don’t use the hamper, or shave nose hairs in the sink because they are ALL. Just. People. 

You are testing out another human as much as he is you. So please put down the sparklers, bench the cheer routine, and save the razzle-dazzle for someone you know will stick around. 

Trust is earned, he doesn’t get it after a singular coffee and a dinner at Olive Garden.

Please stop panicking about missing your one chance or relegating yourself to dying alone because one dude ghosted you. Go look outside. See that? Men, men everywhere, too many men, seriously, why are there so many? You’re gonna be fine.

Non-attachment is your new best friend. It’s going to allow you to objectively view your date for who and what he is, and make sure you stop settling out of desperation.

Don’t badmouth men or yourself, don’t internalize it if a dude can’t handle the conflict that sometimes comes with relationships, and remember to ask one key question.

Know who will never ever ghost you? You. So give that lady some love. 

Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.

And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!

See you back here in the next one!