Oh hey, all my Anxious Attachment bitches. How’s it going? By “it” I specifically mean dating- not great? Well, that’s why I’m here so listen up. Before you know it we’ll have you dating appropriate men with confidence and ease. No stalking your phone/ their social media pages. No word vomit to fill weird silences.
If you struggle with Anxious Attachment it can feel like you need to “fix” yourself before you start dating- but this isn’t super realistic. If you struggle with anxiety in your relationships, it’s probably stemming from past trauma that you’ve reacted to and carried throughout your entire life. That doesn’t just disappear no matter how much work you do to overcome it. Honestly, you might never overcome anxious attachment completely and maybe you shouldn’t. It’s made you who you are up to this point.
But it doesn’t define you. Maybe the trick is learning to live with it, identifying where it can lead you astray when dating and accepting that working through it is going to be a lifelong journey of learning and acceptance.
You got this…almost. Let’s get into it.
When someone shows or tells you who they are, you need to believe them. He’s not your 5th-grade project, no amount of research or care or love is going to change him. If he can’t see how amazing, beautiful, smart, and talented you are, no amount of desperation is going to prove to him you’re worth it. And you are. You have standards that you deserve to have met.
Don’t ever stay with someone thinking you’ll fix or change them; don’t waste your time.
If you’re the one carrying the relationship on your back and giving 110%, you have way more to lose than he does. If you date with an anxious attachment style and you give into it then you’ll settle for scraps. You’ll become desperate and needy and be thrilled if he does the bare minimum like responding to a text.
Your relationship becomes your job; you’re the facilitator of connection, and maybe if you make it easy, shrink yourself and your needs, and want it enough, he’ll see how great you really are…but probably not.
Meanwhile, he’s probably picking up on the fact that you’re a desperate, nervous wreck and while that’s many things, the one thing it is not is cute. It’s going to make him withdraw even more, which will make you even more anxious until you both descend into a desperation cycle reminiscent of hell.
One day you’re going to have to find what the appeal is for unavailable men. You’re subconsciously getting something out of the fucked up dynamic I just described. But while you do that work, here are some dating tips to help you connect with more appropriate people and date with some chill.
This can feel gross or seem exhausting and I’m not saying you have to sleep with an army of men, but in terms of taking the pressure off and easing the blow if one relationship doesn’t work out, this one is crucial. It allows for perspective and attachment within an appropriate timeframe as opposed to booking a wedding venue after one coffee date. Stop it.
Because they’re not too much. They’re what you deserve and literally…what you need. If you can’t ask that of your partner, why are you with them? And in some of my more healthy relationships, I felt like I “needed” less because my emotional needs were being met without question.
It takes time to get to know someone and to make sure their actions align with words. So give it time. If it’s supposed to work out it will regardless of how fast you rush into things- in fact, it might even benefit from the 2 of you taking your time.
If he says he’ll communicate with you and he doesn’t do that in the way that you need, that’s not a sign to give in and give up on necessary communication expectations in your relationship…but it’s not a sign to cling to a relationship in which your basic communication standards are continually unmet, either. You may need to talk with him about your expectations of communication that he claims he can meet and give him a chance to turn it around, but if more time passes and he’s not giving you what you need, you should move on.
This is a great concept to bring to all aspects of your life because it mainly says that you’re responsible for yourself and no one else or their emotions. Live in the now, appreciate the moments, and stop picking out a wedding dress after date 3. Appreciate where you are now and the date that’s happening, just for what it is.
Please try and avoid partners with either anxious attachment or avoidant attachment styles. There’s nothing wrong with them but together it’s a recipe for a relationship disaster. Remember, we’re trying to date better, not fix our partner.
You’re an adult expecting a relationship with another adult who will behave respectfully (as you should). But this also means if you feel unfulfilled or angry about something you also have to act with maturity and respect. So no acting out, throwing fits, doing things to stoke up jealousy, just basically don’t be a mean girl movie villain, ok?
Would you be shutting yourself down or telling yourself you deserve bad, unavailable men if you were secure with yourself and in your relationships? No…so stop.
It doesn’t have to be me, though I will say I’m good, but having support and someone to guide you through this work is invaluable, and can really go a long way in speeding up the process of you coming into your own and dating with the right mindset.
Want to learn more about what Anxious Attachment is? Listen to Episode 31: Attachment Style Series – Anxious Attachment!
Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!
See you back here in the next one!
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”