Breaking news my love: the world doesn’t owe you love. It actually doesn’t owe you a goddamn thing. If you’re sitting there blaming the universe for your problems in life or relationships, and figure that one day, one *magical* day the world will be like “huh, I guess we’re done fucking with her, time to give her the man of her dreams and a fantastic, fullfilled life to go with it,” …let me know how that goes.
Why do you think the universe owes you anything, when you literally use it to escape culpability in the way you show up in your own life?
Why do you think you deserve everything when you’re not willing to do any of the hard work it takes to actually get that which you desire?
Also, why is it you seem to think that once the universe bestows this wonder of a man upon you, that all your past trauma and current issues will evaporate, and you will go sing-song into the distance as the end credits of a Disney movie roll?
Just where do you get off having all these entitled fantasies of how life is supposed to be, when you aren’t willing to stop and evaluate the part you play in keeping yourself blocked? You do it, don’t deny it; it’s not up to anyone but you. You have all the control, you hold all the emotional cards. So get in the fucking game.
For those of you who don’t know, Miranda was the one on Sex and the City who, to everyone initially seemed like a royal bitch. Now that I think about it, however, Miranda is #goals. She tells it like it is, knows she’s hot and successful, and advocates for herself and her needs. Not for nothing but for most of the show she’s in therapy…
She does the work.
And she’d laugh you all the way to Staten Island if she heard that you think the world is going to magically deposit an evolved man into your lap and your problems will be solved forever more. He’ll save you over and over and you’ll never fight and all your issues will be fixed.
You sweet, sweet idiot.
I’ve found love, my friend, and I can tell you that it is still work. It’s work on myself, it’s work within the connection, it’s learning to fight with and for each other, and it’s reinforcing the new, healthy patterns we’re trying to establish together over and over. That’s healthy love- it’s knowing that obstacles will still get thrown your way. You will both fight, and it won’t always be the “healthy” kind of fighting. You’re going to hurt each other. Old ghosts will still flit in from time to time and shit all over your progress as you continually attempt to process your trauma and grow from it.
It’s the work of trusting in yourself, in your partner and other people. It’s willing to be vulnerable in a way you never felt safe enough to before, for whatever reasons still haunt you. You have to give up the ghost here, and at least try to let people in, and trust them at their word when they tell you who and what they are.
Your past is not your fault. Any mental or emotional distress it has caused you is not your fault. But it is your responsibility to deal with the fallout. It’s your responsibility to sort through the shit, and discard what doesn’t serve you. You have to be willing to reflect and get out of your own way and believe you are worthy of healing.
The key is, if you have healthy relationship expectations you know that your relationship will be ok in spite of all the other bullshit. It means you’re both secure enough to know that even if you fight or backslide, you’ll navigate through the problem together, and truly solve issues and unmet needs.
“But I have traumaaaa” you whine at me petulantly. Bitch I know you have trauma. We all have trauma. Jesus probably had trauma. You’re not special and you’re not exempt from not working on yourself simply because you didn’t have the best start in life. Know who used that excuse? Ed Kemper. You want to be Ed Kemper? Huh? Freakishly tall, with zero game and half in love with his mother? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Get. Over. It.
Your past does nothing more and nothing less than show you why and how you got to where you are. That’s it. You’re the one who’s choosing to use it as a cop-out to confronting it – instead you’re lugging all that shit around with you, and it is not. Easy. To. Carry.
I get it. I was guilty of this for a long time. It actually explains why I always picked emotionally immature men: because then I got to feel superior for approximately 3 seconds. Look, I might actively participate in sabotaging my own connections with people, but at least I’m not as bad as that guy.
Can you believe that fuckery? Way to straight up, not even lower the bar, but bury it in the dirt, Michelle.
But believe it or not, if you’re using your trauma as a crutch or something to blame, you’re likely creating and re-creating patterns that are just as toxic and fucked up as me. Until you stop tossing out blame and accept accountability for the thoughts and feelings you need to reign in and take control of, nothing is ever going to change for you.
Also, I did the work and look at me now: Secure. In love. Confident in my own badassary.
You can have this too, but you have to be willing to drop the baggage, pick up the tools I’m constantly trying to throw at you (the podcast, CW, shadow work, therapy, movement, meditation) and use them.
I’d hope that by now you realize no one is coming to save you. No one owes you that…but you.
Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!
Or maybe you want some one on one action? Try out The Intimate Woman for some private coaching realness: https://michellepanning.com/the-intimate-woman if you’re ready to go deep. Go hard. And dive into creating the life you’ve always wanted, with me by your side with calls, motivations, and most importantly, calls on your bullshit. Stop getting in your own way, and let’s do this.
See you back here in the next one!
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”