That’s right, ladies—it’s time to have that talk. That sensitive subject…for some of us, more sensitive than others.
Some of you are probably thrilled to talk about having an orgasm. Maybe having an orgasm is easy-peasy for you, and that’s awesome! (Get it, girl!) However, some of you? Some of you are riding the struggle bus right along with me. But good news: this particular struggle bus is a party bus, bitches, and not one of us is riding it alone. So take a breath, take your time, and let’s talk orgasms.
Having an orgasm isn’t an easy thing, especially when there is a shit-ton of misconceptions and myths, and flat-out lies surrounding the idea of a woman’s orgasm. It’s gotten to the point that even when we do orgasm, we analyze it to death. “Yeah, but can I know for sure?” “Maybe that was a G-spot orgasm, but I can’t be sure.” “I mean, I squirted, but—” BABE. Enough. If it felt good, then who the fuck do you need to convince? You’re the only one who knows what an orgasm feels like to you.
I say this from a place of love—and from a place of experience. One of my biggest reasons for convincing myself I was totally broken? I could only reliably cum with vibrators. From the very first time I ever consciously masturbated, I needed a vibrator to ensure having an orgasm. Only with vibrators, never with a partner. In fact, I shared in my last episode that for yeeears, I was faking my orgasms with every partner out of shame. It wasn’t until I finally hit my limit and confessed the truth to my then-partner that I finally started moving forward and learning how to prioritize my own pleasure. (He was super cool about it, by the way, ladies—so if you’re anxious to finally come clean, don’t be. If you wanna start upping your own pleasure, you have to bring your partner in on the secret!) And even then—even now—it’s still hard to force those thoughts to shut the fuck up.
The point of that story? You are not alone. This is a perfectly common—perfectly awful, but still perfectly common—struggle for women. We’ve been taught this very limited frame of what an orgasm is—look at Hollywood’s example, right? The guy gets going, he sticks his dick in, and within ten seconds of screen time, his partner’s already cumming. From zero to sixty in seconds. Come on, does that seem realistic to you? You can claim movie magic or time restrictions in filming all you like, but here’s the problem: whether you know it or not, watching that happen over and over again? That’s going to get to you. It is so easy to get fooled into thinking that’s the norm when you don’t have anything else to use as a reference. Guess what? I’m going to give you a little bit of relief here: this is not the norm.
When you obsess over getting to the orgasm (and thinking if you don’t achieve it, then you must be less of a woman or failing your partner or whatever the fuck your insecurities try to tell you), you can actually lessen your chances of orgasming. Why? Because this will stress you out. And when you’re stressed, it’s going to be a whole lot harder to achieve having an orgasm. If you’re rushing through the process, racing past the entire experience just to try and hit that goal, you’re actually missing the point. You’re missing out on connecting with your partner, on feeling all the orgasmic experiences that come during sex rather than at the “end” result of sex.
There isn’t one solution to having an orgasm, but there is one extremely important thing you need to achieve. It starts with not stressing yourself out, but it goes deeper than that…
It isn’t about a certain position.
It isn’t about a special kind of toy.
There is no fucking secret pill. There is no cheat code, there is no speedrun, there is no magic trick.
You know what the key to having an orgasm is?
If you do not feel safe, you will not be having an orgasm, I promise. Everything comes down to creating safety for yourself. Everything. If your body does not feel safe, if you are in any way caught in fight-or-flight, if your nervous system is going haywire…guess what, bitch? You aren’t cumming anytime soon!
You might be thinking “No, that’s not it. I know I’m safe with my partner.” That’s great! That’s also not the only way your body might read “danger.” If you’re carrying any latent guilt, if you’re fighting through shame or trauma or anything unpleasant associated with sex, your body knows it, even if your mind might be focused on other things.
That said…if we want to get to the point of being our most orgasmic selves, we need to be willing to do the tough work. We need to be ready to work through whatever puts our body in that state of fear or tension if we want to start reliably having an orgasm.
Need an example? I’ve got one for you. I spoke about it in the last episode, but do you remember when I said I was experiencing really painful sex and involuntary muscle contractions that would leave me in debilitating pain for days after? Guess what? All those issues were mostly psychosomatic! My brain would anticipate that something bad would happen, so the muscles would contract out of fear, and then the pain would hit. Therefore, that cycle would continue. I was anticipating pain, the muscles would contract, it was painful…cycle repeat. It was an awful whirlwind of self-fulfilling prophecy that left me in pain, ashamed and frustrated with myself and convinced that I must have been broken. But you know what? I wasn’t. And neither are you.
No matter how you orgasm, you are not fucking broken.
If you have never had an orgasm, nothing’s wrong with you.
If you’re only having an orgasm with a vibrator, nothing’s wrong with you.
If you’re having an orgasm “too fast,” nothing’s wrong with you.
Nothing! Is! Wrong! With! You!
Did you get that through your head yet? Good! Keep it there, my loves. You are not less of a woman if you struggle to orgasm. You are not less of a woman if you orgasm easily. Every single one of us, as cheesy as it sounds, is just plain fucking different. What works for me probably isn’t gonna work for you. So my best advice for finally having an orgasm? Find your place of safety. That’s the first and most important step. Get in tune with yourself, get in tune with what your body’s telling you, and it’ll reward you for it.
Be sure to connect with me over on Instagram. I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were. Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!
Or maybe you want some one-on-one action? Try out The Intimate Woman for some private coaching realness: https://michellepanning.com/the-intimate-woman if you’re ready to go deep. Go hard. And dive into creating the life you’ve always wanted, with me by your side with calls, motivations, and most importantly, calls on your bullshit. Stop getting in your own way, and let’s do this.
See you back here in the next one!
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”