Hello, my loves. Today I wanna give you a little bit of a background as to where I’m at right now, because this episode is gonna be my perspective and opinion on what doing the work actually looks like.
I think that this is something that gets misinterpreted a lot, where people think doing the work is all about affirmations or signing up to a program. They think once you do those things, it’s gonna be smooth sailing. You’ll learn module one, you’ll nail it, and then you’ll learn module two, and so on. By the end of a program, you’ll be a whole new person, right? You’ll be a brand new bitch. None of your old wounds will play out.
Not. Fucking. True.
I like to relate it to becoming a butterfly, right? Becoming a butterfly sounds all pretty and sweet, but it is so not. It’s a painful, weird, totally difficult process. And doing the work can be the same way.
I wanted to talk about this because if you’re here, that means on some level you actually do want to do the work…or you’re curious about it at the very least, which is how it starts. I started by reading books and listening to podcasts. I caught the bug fast. Like, you mean there’s actually a way I could have healthy relationships and not project everything onto my partners and all of this shit? Great. I’m down for this becoming-a-butterfly thing. So I started doing the work, but if I’m completely transparent with you, I would tell you that I’ve done a lot of work, but I don’t think that I’ve actually done the work.
It’s really easy to just sign up for programs and think that’s enough. I’ve been there. There was a part of me that thought if I just paid the money and signed up to the program and went to the live calls, if I even bothered to do that, then I would transform somehow by like…osmosis. That’s not a very “becoming a butterfly” attitude—you’ll see why—but that’s what I felt like.
Also, we talk a lot about like calibrating to the energy of your mentor. And I do believe in that; there’s something really potent about sharing an energetic space with a mentor. Do you know what I mean? Like the mentors that I have right now, I have two, and I do feel myself kind of calibrating to their energy, but fuck me, I’m only doing that because the level that I’m being held to by them and by myself is completely different. So I’m actually having to put the work in, and what that looks like is gonna be different for everyone.
I’m really diving into shadow work lately. And that’s gonna be a lot more of what comes through in my business around like shadow work around love, sex, and money. So there’s shadow work. But the work that you’re doing on your way to becoming a butterfly is going to look different for everyone.
I couldn’t even describe to you the work that I’m doing with my somatic practitioner, because I don’t even understand what’s happening and I’m letting that go. But the point of this is more to validate what you may be experiencing if you’re actually doing the work. And this is either gonna validate where you’re at or where you’ve been or where you may be headed, or it’s gonna terrify you and you’re not gonna do the work at all, but this is actually an invitation for you to do it.
But honestly, for the last couple of months—honestly, like three or four months, and particularly the last two to four weeks—I’ve felt my whole identity crumbling. I mean, just disintegrating. It honestly has felt like I’m dying, and that’s because part of me is, right?
This started because I went to this retreat, and I came out of it knowing that I’m done with my Connected Woman program. And that was not the message that I wanted to hear. That program has brought in a lot of money. It’s done very well financially. It has a great reputation. I literally get messages every single day about people wanting to join—which you still can, by the way. This is the last round that I’m doing, and you can still join us. You’ll get instant access to all the replays, and then you can join the live calls moving forward. This is the most access that you’ll have to me outside of private one-on-one mentoring. So yeah, if you want that, the option is there, and it’ll be linked at the end of this post.
Anyway, that’s not the message that I wanted to hear. I had to just trust it anyway. But everything that I was sure of, everything around who I was being in my life, who I was being to my friends, who I was being to myself, who I was being in my relationship, in my business…everything started to crumble. And a lot of doubt came up, because I didn’t fully resonate with the message that I was sending before.
To be perfectly honest, a lot of my work has been centered around my wounds. Like, I can fully see now how I was projecting my wounds into my business. And that made me really relatable, right? You guys message me every single day about how you relate to my wounds. But I feel like I’ve moved out of that. Still, here’s the thing—this is why being in the work feels really fucking tricky, because everything you thought you knew about yourself starts to die. You have an ego death, essentially. And that’s what I’ve been in for a few months. I’m only really recognizing that now. And from the outside in, you wouldn’t even know because I’m still showing up. I’m still like handling my life, but there’s been a lot of turmoil, a lot of processing, a lot of emotional release, a lot of fucking tears.
None of this sounds very “becoming a butterfly” to most people, yeah? Here’s why I use that phrase:
There’s an in-between stage where you haven’t fully died, and you haven’t fully been rebirthed, either. So it feels like this purgatory or this sense of not knowing who you are. And this is where we think about becoming a butterfly.
It’s a caterpillar before, and while it’s becoming a butterfly, in between it being a caterpillar and a butterfly, there’s that goo phase in the cocoon. It’s very internal. The caterpillar literally disintegrates into goo while becoming a butterfly. I’m sure there’s a scientific term for that phase of becoming a butterfly, but I’m gonna call it the goo phase. It reminds me of Austin Powers when he’s thawing and he’s in “liquid hot goo phase.” I think that’s what it is.
Anyway, while becoming a butterfly, the caterpillar fully disintegrates into goo and then completely reassembles and configures itself into something completely different. It turns into a butterfly. And once it’s done transforming, it breaks free from the cocoon and flies.
That’s the phase of “becoming a butterfly” I feel like I am in. And I want you to know that if you’re in that phase of becoming a butterfly too, it’s okay. It’s okay not to know who you are. I’ve always prided myself on having a very strong sense of self. And the fact that I don’t right now feels incredibly world-shaking.
I’m super confident. I love myself. That’s always been my identity, but I’m not that right now. Or, well, it’s not that I’m not that; I’m just not as integrated as I thought I was. I’m confident, but at this new level, there’s pieces for me to grow into. And it’s the same for you, right? You can still be those things, but at the new level you’re stepping into, there’s room to grow.
This phase of work will make you feel like you’re fucking dying, because parts of you are. Your identities are shifting. The cells in your body are literally like transforming and dying and birthing and all the things. So just like the caterpillar being in the goo phase, and then eventually becoming a butterfly and emerging into beauty and freedom, there needs to be a level of trust that on the other side of this is something more incredible than you can even imagine.
That’s what I have to keep anchoring into. The Connected Woman program was birthed from a space of my deep fucking wounding, and it was still amazing. So I know that something incredible will come through in my business, in my relationships, and how I relate to you guys through doing the work on healing that wounding.
What you’re going through right now, however hard it is…remember that you are being initiated. You are becoming a butterfly. Still, you actually have a choice. You have a choice to step into this, or you have a choice to go back and stay in your comfort zone.
I’ve made my choice. I hope you make the right one, too.
Be sure to connect with me over on Instagram. I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were. Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
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I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”