Hello, my loves. Today, we’re going to explore something that not many people like to talk about. It’s sort of a sore subject in this community, but it’s one I really think we need to acknowledge. Today, I’m going to talk about what happens when healing your wounds becomes an addiction.
Let me start by telling you about my journey with healing. When I got started, I had just gone through another breakup, and I had this come-to-Jesus moment of, “Oh my God, am I part of the problem?”
Turns out, yes. Hugely. And while digging into that, I started discovering things like inner child work and tantra and pleasure and attachment styles. I basically set out on this path to change the way that I showed up in relationships, and now I teach that. So obviously if you notice that you’re doing weird or toxic shit in your relationships, it’s important for you to do the inner work. It’s important for you to work on healing your wounds.
While embarking on my own healing journey, I recognized that I had two wounds that were two sides of the same coin. They both boil down to feeling shame about who you are, but they present two different ways.
One was feeling not good enough, and the other was feeling too much. And after recognizing that, I created programs to transcend those wounds, and I feel like for the most part, I have. But in spite of that, what I noticed afterward was that I was still constantly investing in new programs, new courses, new coaches, new healing modalities, new books, new podcasts, etcetera. All the things. And before I knew it, my entire life became about healing.
The archetype of the “wounded healer” is so prevalent in the personal development world. Many of us get into teaching personal development because we were very wounded ourselves, and we’ve done the work to transcend our shit. We want to share that with others, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
However, even when you move into a place of teaching personal development, there can be this obsession with constantly diving into and healing your wounds. What I noticed in myself was that this not good enough wound was continuing to hound me, even when I’d done the work. I was constantly having to find evidence of that wound being true.
The healing industry is so beautiful for helping you with transcending your shit and healing your wounds. And it can also be incredibly shadowy if you allow it to be.
What I mean by that is you can maybe heal one thing, but then you immediately look for another. And here’s the thing: if you’re always looking for evidence that you are indeed not good enough, you will find it, and the healing industry will amplify that.
Your entire life cannot just be about healing your wounds, because it becomes a thing where every decision that you make comes from a space of “How can this help me heal?”
It is exhausting. It is exhausting to constantly make decisions from a space of always needing to do more. The more that you are constantly looking for things to be healed, the more you reinforce the story that you need to be healed.
When you’re constantly looking to keep healing your wounds, you’re constantly reinforcing the belief that you are broken, and if you just invest more money, more time, more whatever, then you will be better. But what that does instead is actually reinforce the collective wound of, “I need to do more. I can’t just be, I can’t simply exist. I have to do.”
So then, should you not do any healing work? No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I still have a personal mentor, and I don’t think that I will ever not have that. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t invest in healing your wounds. I am the first one to say that you should invest in healing your wounds. But there’s a different energy when you’re coming from a space of, “I’m fucked up. I’m broken. How do I heal this? How do I be better?” versus, “I want to do this. I want to be in this space. I want to learn this thing.” Can you feel the difference? One is incredibly needy and desperate, with this sense of urgency to be anywhere other than where you are, and the other one comes from a place of acceptance and wanting to see what else could be available to you.
Now, I’m not saying you should be blind to your shit. You shouldn’t just ignore it when you know there’s a wound there. But a lot of people can just bring shit up because they’re addicted to the process of healing and they want to talk incessantly about their wounds.
If you’ve been doing the work to heal this “not good enough” wound for three fucking years, we have an issue. We can get so addicted to looping the same story, and that’s not the energy we’re looking for.
The other end is like being so blind to our shit that we don’t want to look, and that’s not the vibe either. You want to be able to look at your shit, but you don’t want to get stuck in it. You need to have a life outside of healing your wounds.
People forget that they have a choice in their own healing. I’m not talking about when you’re in the midst of trauma and you’re deep in the very beginning of your journey to healing your wounds, but when you’ve done the hard work and then you just keep looping the same fucking story over and over and over again, at some point you have to decide it’s just not going to be a thing anymore.
Do I still have moments where my story of being not enough or being too much comes up? Yeah, I do. And do you know what I say? Not helpful. I’m actually choosing not to buy into that. I’m not trying to buy into that narrative or that story anymore.
Now, I’m not bypassing myself. If there’s something that I need to feel, I’m going to feel it. But I’m not going to make decisions from a space of feeling not good enough. I’m not going to make decisions from a space of feeling too much.
Instead, I’m going to make decisions from a place of knowing that I’ve done my fucking work. I know what I’m doing. I’m going to make my decisions from a space of loving myself and being confident in what I have to give.
Rather than constantly looking for a way to heal, I am constantly looking for ways I can grow. There’s a different energy between “How can I heal?” and “How can I grow?”
I know which one I’m choosing to be, and I hope you choose it, too. You don’t have to keep searching. You don’t have to keep healing your wounds even when they’ve been stitched up a hundred times. Allow yourself to just be, and have patience, grace, and compassion with yourself.
Be sure to connect with me over on Instagram. I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were. Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
Are you ready to get off the hamster wheel of going on date after date that goes absolutely nowhere and learn how to date with confidence and clarity? Sign up for Swipe Right, a six-week program for women who want to date like motherfucking queens: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”