If you’ve been reading my blog or listening to my podcast lately, you’ll know that I recently had a discussion surrounding refusing to settle for the in-between guy. I mentioned that we end up in these situationships or relationships that aren’t ultimately what we really want, but we stay anyway, because we think it’s all we’re going to get. Something’s better than nothing, right?
Wrong. If you haven’t listened to that episode, you definitely should.
Anyway, I led into that episode by talking about my experience with buying a car and how I almost bought one that was really nice, but not ultimately what I wanted. That story was an example of me sharing my own experience with something and explaining how that concept applies to relationships, as well. And after it came out…something happened.
After that episode was released, I received a comment on one of my posts about how my podcast was complete shit. They said that it’s full of nonsense and I’m obnoxious as fuck. And the really cool thing about that is…I didn’t respond to it. Because honestly, I have better things to do with my time than respond to things like that.
I’m not going to play into that dynamic. It’s just not the frequency that I play in. But it ended up being a really cool moment, because it allowed me to reflect on a similar experience I had maybe eight months ago, where someone messaged me something very similar. And back then, I became so dysregulated. I remember speaking to my mentor about it and being like, “What do I say? What do I do? Do you think I was in the wrong?”
This time was completely different. I was so regulated. I saw the message, but I felt no charge around it in my body. Instead, I decided I was going to take it and make content out of it, because it lent itself well to the conversation I want to have today about holding people’s projections as you’re evolving yourself.
As you guys know, I’ve been running this course called Main Character Energy, which is all about stepping into delusional confidence and actually playing into the obnoxious energy of, “I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Not from a space of being entitled and walking all over people, but actually knowing that the dreams that you have for yourself are there for a fucking reason. You wouldn’t want something if it wasn’t for you.
So I’m doing this course, and I basically made these stories about how this is the reason why so many women don’t step into their main character energy.
They don’t take risks in their lives. They don’t go for the job that they want. They don’t ever talk about money. They don’t ask for a raise. They don’t ask for what they want in their relationships. They don’t verbalize their needs. They don’t wear the clothes that they want to wear. Whatever it is, they don’t do it because they’re so scared of how other people are going to perceive that.
When you’re constantly in a state of fear over what other people are going to think about you as you’re evolving yourself, you’re never going to grow. If you tell yourself you can’t do something because “What will other people think?”, you’re never going to succeed at evolving yourself, because you’re constantly placing the opinions of others over your opinion over yourself.
What’s interesting is, this person who commented on my post said, “You’re very obnoxious.” And you know what I say to that? Yeah. I am. I’m absolutely playing into obnoxious energy, because I’m here to do big shit.
I’m not here to just fuck around and live this mediocre life. I want to do really big shit in this world. And I know that if you guys are listening to this, it’s because you don’t want a mediocre relationship. You want a relationship and a life and potentially a business that is extraordinary, that is bigger than you could have possibly imagined.
But the thing is, when you step into that and begin the process of evolving yourself, you’re going piss some people off. Period. That’s just part of evolving yourself. I remember years ago when I first started my business, I had this one woman who would not fucking leave me alone on all of my posts. She would come for me every single time, and I remember thinking, “Fuck yeah, I’m doing something right.” You know why?
Because I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass. I’m not here to make you feel really good about yourself and all the things that you’re doing and the relationships that you’re choosing for your life and the low standards that you may be entertaining. I’m here to agitate you into transcending your shit. I’m not here to hold your hand and make nice, and I’m also not here to dilute my own life and my own truth.
Here’s the truth: When you grow, when you start evolving yourself, when you move to a higher frequency, people are going to project their unhealed wounds onto you. And I think on some level we all know that, which is why we’re so scared of taking up space. We’re scared of doing the thing and saying the thing, because we’re so afraid that someone is going to come for us.
You’re afraid that as you’re evolving yourself, someone is going to say, “You shouldn’t have done that.” Someone is going to say, “You’re arrogant. You’re self-absorbed. You’re so full of yourself.” You’re afraid of that happening, and you’re afraid that you won’t be able to hold it.
Here’s the thing: People are going to project one way or another. You’re always going to receive projections, whether they’re conscious or unconscious projections. So instead of halting the process of evolving yourself, what you need to do is build your capacity to hold that. You want to prepare yourself for that.
This is where you want to become really aware of your own reactivity patterns, because here’s how it could have played out:
If I wasn’t aware of my reactivity patterns, (if you don’t know what I’m talking about with projections and reactivity patterns and all of that stuff, by the way, you definitely want to join my program Connected Woman), I could have read that message, been extremely triggered, and then fired back at her.
I could have been extremely argumentative, or I could have gone to the opposite end and tried to people-please my way out of it, which would have looked like saying, “I’m so sorry that you felt that way. How could I make this up to you? Do you want to have a conversation in the DMs about this so we can really unpack this?”
Um…no. That’s not my fucking job. I’m not being paid to do that.
Instead, I responded by deciding I wasn’t even going to engage with that. Because one, I value my time more than that, and I’d rather be doing something else. And two, I also want to lean back and allow people to observe themselves. With this woman, we could have had a conversation around what was coming up for her projections, her ego, etcetera, and my Main Character Energy program could have been a great fit for her, potentially.
But if someone doesn’t have the level of self-awareness to witness themselves in an interaction, they’re not someone that I personally want in my world, whether that’s as my partner, a friend, someone in my business, or a client. I don’t want people in my world who do not have any sort of self-awareness.
I could have read that comment and made it mean something about me: I could have made it about how I’ve done a bad job, or maybe I am too obnoxious. Or I could have made it about her and said she’s a bitch, or she’s super wounded, or whatever.
But because I understand how I can be reactive at times, I can also hold someone else in their reactivity. So I don’t make it mean anything about me. I don’t take it personally, because I could see where that could come from. On my end, there’s empathy, there’s compassion, and there’s understanding.
That doesn’t mean I want that in my life. That doesn’t mean I’m going to engage with it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be argumentative or defensive or have no backbone and give into it. But I can hold the duality of standing my ground while still having compassion and empathy.
Here’s an example: If you tend to fall further on the people-pleaser scale, and maybe you do Connected Woman and you start evolving yourself and stop playing into that behavior, a lot of people will most likely tell you, “You’ve changed. You’re not who you used to be. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.” And that’s because you are evolving yourself. It’s only natural.
We need to be really aware of who we have in our world, because when people can’t hold you as you’re evolving yourself, that’s when you’re going to stagnate. So you need people who are able to hold you as you’re evolving yourself, but also…you need to be able to hold yourself in your evolution first.
Why? Because if you are constantly getting stuck in thoughts of, “Who am I going to have to leave behind? What belief systems am I going to have to leave behind? What thought patterns, what behaviors, what standards can I no longer entertain?” then you’re not actually evolving yourself.
That’s not coming from a space of, “Say whatever the fuck you want, and however it lands, that’s on them.” No, there’s an element of understanding people’s patterns, and you can deliver things with grace and tact and compassion and empathy. But that doesn’t mean you hold back on your actual truth.
This comment on my post was a really big learning piece for me, because it forced me to stop and think, “Okay, how do I want to respond to this?” And for me, silence is a response also, because what’s happening in that moment is I’m actually telling people subtly and subconsciously what I’m willing to entertain in my world. And that ain’t it.
I could go in and I could delete the comment, but I didn’t. It’s on a pinned post. You could literally go read it right now, but I don’t care, because I can hold the frequency of duality in my life. I don’t need people in my world to just blow smoke up my ass all the time.
I’m okay with feeling contrast. I’m okay with feeling conflict. I can hold myself in that, and so can you.
If you want to go from feeling anxious AF about your love life to feeling confident, secure, and having unfuckwithable self-worth, join my program The Connected Woman, starting in early February: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”