Hello, my loves. Today, we’re going to go over what men find attractive—or rather, the qualities that men find most attractive in a woman.
When most people go over what men find attractive, they usually list something like, “Smell good. Wear makeup. Wear pretty dresses.”
Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Of course things like hygiene are part of what men find attractive. But I’m talking about a different kind of attractiveness here.
We’re not talking about what men find attractive on a surface level. There are other programs and coaches who will speak about that side of what men find attractive, and that’s all well and beautiful, but I’m speaking about something different. Let’s get into it.
The first quality on the list of what men find attractive in a woman is self-assurance.
Let me start by saying this: this is not the, “I’m a strong, independent woman and I don’t need no man” vibe. It’s just a woman who is sure of herself.
What does this look like? A woman who’s sure of herself is not asking, “Do you like this? Do you approve of me? Is this okay? Can I do this? Can I say this? Is that wrong? Is that bad? Is that too much? Is that enough?” She’s not doing any of that.
She’s assured in who she is. She actually has the ability to think without reassurance from outside sources and give herself the approval she needs.
And I don’t mean lukewarm approval. I mean red-hot, fucking juicy approval.
One of the coaches that I follow who I’ve worked with before uses that phrase: “red-hot approval.” I just love that. It screams that I just fucking approve of myself, full stop. There’s no part of myself that I feel ashamed of—my anger, my rage, my blood, my messiness, my reactivity, my boundaries, my standards, my being fucking high maintenance—I don’t need anyone else to approve of that.
That was something that I worked on back when I was dating, learning to approve of the fact that I am high maintenance.
I require a lot of fucking maintenance, which is not what men find attractive—at least, I thought that then. But my coach at the time said, “You don’t need to apologize for being high maintenance. You just need to find a guy who’s willing to maintain you.”
I love that. It really changed my perspective, and I have now found a man who is willing to maintain me. It’s beautiful; he loves it, and I love it, and it’s just amazing.
Ultimately, self-assurance is about, “I know who I am and I love who I am,” and that’s what men find attractive to the utmost.
Next up for what men find attractive is confidence.
Does this mean you can’t have a moment of insecurity every now and then? Of course not. You’re human. But what men find attractive is confidence that shows in your very being.
When you walk into a room with confidence, your shoulders are back, your head’s held high…you’re not walking around like you’re trying to hide.
The confident woman is not living her life in this little shell of insecurity. She’s not looking to other people for validation so that she has permission to be confident. Her confidence isn’t built on her weight or her looks or her age or her hair color or whatever it is.
Her confidence comes from within. It’s unconditional confidence, which is exactly what men find attractive.
You know that you’re the fucking main character. You live your life in main character energy, and that is beautiful.
Now, your confidence doesn’t have to be big and bold and in your face like mine can be. It can be a quiet confidence.
Often those are the women that I’m most magnetized to, the women who are silent at the end of the table. I’m always like, “What’s she thinking? What’s she doing over there?”
Next on the list of what men find attractive is loving your life.
A healthy masculine man goes totally wild over a woman who lives a life that she is in love with.
So if you are sitting at home scrolling social media and you are bored to tears, you don’t see your friends, you don’t catch up, you don’t go do things that you want to do…that’s not what men find attractive. That’s not very fucking enticing, because you’re basically just sitting around twiddling your thumbs, waiting for some guy to come into your life and infuse it with joy and laughter and playfulness.
It’s actually on you to do that for yourself. This means getting a hobby, doing things that light you up, being excited by your life, being excited by the people in your life, having a really strong friendship group of women who support you, etcetera.
You want to surround yourself with women who want the best for you. Women who encourage you. Not women who are constantly saying, “Why are we all single? When are we going to get a guy?”
No, we’re not doing that. We’re not having conversations like that.
This is about having this mindset of, “I already love my life, and you are the cherry on top.” It’s not, “I’m living at 2% and I’m waiting for you to bring the other 98%.” You’re living at a hundred, and he is just bringing extra to the already thriving party.
The next item on the list of what men find attractive is playfulness. High-caliber men are very, very attracted to playfulness.
Not everything needs to be so fucking serious. Now, you need to have an ability to be serious and to have depth. You need to be capable of having difficult conversations or conversations about the future, and to be able to show up in that. But you also want an element of lightheartedness in your relationship.
Playfulness in your relationship means having the ability to play and banter and be silly with each other. It means being able to let your inner children interact with each other.
And again, you don’t start cultivating all of these things when you’re in the relationship. You cultivate them before you get into a relationship so that you’re already living this way. It’s already embodied.
On the other end of this spectrum, a high-caliber man also needs a woman who is emotionally intelligent. So you want to balance that playfulness with having that depth, right? You want to have the ability to have conversations without flying off the fucking handle.
You’re only going to be able to do that if you are connected to yourself, if you can recognize your triggers, and if you can recognize what’s happening in your body.
This is really, really important. This is why I practice and preach so much self-connection. My entire life’s work is about connecting to yourself first and foremost, because if you’re not connected to yourself, a relationship is not going to solve that. It’s actually going to highlight more disconnect within yourself.
If you want a masculine-dominant man, then he is going to want a feminine-dominant woman.
People tend to get their fucking panties in a knot when I talk about this. Just chill, okay? This is not about being submissive, although that can be part of it, and that can be a fun role to play. When I’m talking about you being in your feminine, I’m talking about you being connected to your internal world; I’m talking about you being connected to your emotions and actually being able to express that out loud.
This means not shutting yourself down, not stifling these emotions, not being resentful. It’s about being able to say, “Hey, that thing that you said, that actually hurt. I’m hurting. I feel really vulnerable around that. Can we have a conversation about that?”
Emotional intelligence also includes kindness, compassion, empathy, etcetera. So if you’re wanting to practice that in a relationship, the first place to start practicing that is with yourself.
When you make a mistake, do you treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and empathy? Or do you treat yourself with criticism and contempt and shame and guilt? Because if you think that’s not going to carry over into a romantic relationship, you’re living in pure ignorance. It’s absolutely going to, because when they make a mistake, you are going to treat them with criticism and contempt because that is how you treat yourself.
Something we tend to shy away from when it comes to what men find attractive is vulnerability, which goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence.
This is about allowing yourself to express those emotions. It’s not easy to express the truth of what’s on your heart, but that is what men find attractive. That is what inspires the masculine.
The masculine wants to provide and protect. And without that vulnerability, you just become this strong, independent woman with all of her walls up, hiding behind her masculine shield…which isn’t attractive.
This isn’t to say that you should be a damsel in distress because that’s what’s attractive to men. Not at all. I’m not here for that conversation.
This is about you being able to be vulnerable…not just with him, but with your girlfriends, with your family, and with yourself.
Can you even be vulnerable with yourself? Do you even have the courage to be vulnerable with yourself and acknowledge when you’re not okay?
The next piece of what men find attractive is authenticity.
When you are trying to shape-shift into something or someone else—when you’re trying to be soft, because that’s what you heard feminine girls are, even if it’s not who you are—a man can smell right through that.
Be yourself. Be real. Because at the end of the day, there’s going to be someone who is in love with that real you. And when you try to be someone else—when you try to appear more successful or more sexual or whatever it is than you actually are—you will attract a guy, but you won’t be able to keep him, because it’s not sustainable for you to keep up that act forever.
Last on my list of what men find attractive: a high-caliber man is deeply attracted to a woman who values herself. A woman who has high self-worth.
This isn’t just about her physical appearance. It doesn’t mean you have to wear dresses all the time.I’m in trackies a lot of the time, but I always make sure that they’re clean and I smell nice and all of those things, right? So yes, it’s partially about the external, but it’s more about the internal.
For instance, she honors her time. If you say, “Oh, let’s do something Saturday,” and it’s now 4:00 PM and you’re like, “Hey, just checking in. Are we still going for our walk?” No, she’s fucking gone and made plans. She’s been at the art gallery for hours. She’s getting ready to go have cocktails with a girlfriend. She’s not waiting around for someone to value her time.
She also honors her boundaries. She’s not bending over backwards and making excuses for people and giving people free passes. This is her boundary, and if it’s not something you can provide, that’s fine, but you’re not her person.
She’s good as she is. She doesn’t need you; she wants you. And if you aren’t showing up, she’ll always show up for herself.
If these are the qualities that you want to cultivate in yourself, come join Connected Woman. It’s an ass-whooping, but you are going to walk out a completely transformed woman.
I’ve seen it happen hundreds and hundreds of times. I’ve never not cried on the last call, because I’m just so proud of everyone’s transformations. You can find the link to join below!
Join The Connected Woman, a 12-week shadow work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman
Ready to do the work? You can find all courses, masterclasses, and more right here: https://michellepanning.com/all-offers
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”