Hello, loves. Today’s post was inspired by a message that I received in my DMs recently…a DM that sent me back to my unable-to-be-single days. Let’s talk about the unsexy side of self-responsibility.
So, this all started because my partner Drew was out of town for the weekend, assisting on a facilitator retreat for Cool To Be Conscious, which is a great company.
Because he was out, I had the weekend to myself. So Drew posted something that said, “Missing my human,” and he posted a photo of me. I reshared it saying, “I really miss my man. He’s out of town this weekend,” whatever. And someone DMed me saying something along the lines of, “It’s okay to be by yourself.”
I do want to say that this has nothing to do with her. The message was not out of line. It wasn’t rude. It just sparked something within me, and I thought, “Let’s open up a conversation around this.”
At first, when I received the message, I was like, “The fuck?” But honestly, it reminded me of a time when I actually couldn’t be alone.
I did respond to the message and say, “I know. I’m my absolute favorite person to hang out with.” And I truly mean that, right? I had a few days to myself, and it was fucking lush. Like, I ran a masterclass, I watched a movie by myself, I read, I masturbated, I caught up with a girlfriend, we went for a walk, I trained, I sat with myself, I just laid in bed with my little kitty cat…I had the fucking time of my life.
But there was a time where I actually could not be alone. I would jump from relationship to relationship to relationship because I was always searching for something outside of myself. But now that I’ve done so much work on myself, I truly feel that there’s nothing outside of me that I don’t already have access to.
Now, I love and like and adore my partner. I love his company. But I don’t need him, and this is a very important distinction.
I want to be very clear: this isn’t coming from a space of, “I’m a strong, independent woman, and I don’t need no man.” I just mean that I’m not looking to him for my sense of self.
Let that land. I don’t look to my partner for my sense of self, which is what so many women are doing in their day-to-day lives unconsciously. They don’t even see that they’re doing it. They’re in these relationships, and they actually don’t know who they are, because they’re looking to their partner and asking, “Confirm my worth. Confirm that I deserve something. Confirm my standards. Confirm my boundaries,” all because there’s no actual connection to self.
For me, when I’m looking at helping a woman go from anxious attachment or avoidant attachment to becoming more secure, the first point of call over and over and over and over and over again is connecting to yourself. And that’s actually what we’re missing, right?
Here’s the thing: finding safety in yourself is not sexy. Connecting to yourself is not sexy, but it’s necessary.
Let me backup a bit and tell you why I’m having this conversation about connecting to yourself. I’m launching Connected Woman again this year, and for some reason, I was feeling a bit disconnected from the offer. So I took myself through one of the practices that we do in Connected Woman. It’s an embodiment practice where I actually had a conversation with the Connected Woman itself.
I had a conversation with the soul and the entity that is The Connected Woman, and it spoke to me.
This is the thing: it’s much more “sexy” to market this program’s purpose as finding the man of your dreams, or getting the guy to commit. That’s more marketable, but it’s not fucking sustainable. It might give you a quick hit of instant gratification, but that’s not actually what it’s about.
I’ve run this program over ten times, and so many women come into it with the notion of, “Okay, I’m coming in here because I want to fix my current relationship. Something’s wrong with him, and I want to learn how I can change him.” Already not off to a great start, right? Or sometimes it’s, “I want to find the man of my dreams,” or “I want to get my ex back.”
It’s not about that. It’s actually about connecting to yourself.
If you feel like your needs are secondary, if you’re constantly people-pleasing, if you’re triggered all the time…connecting to yourself is the answer.
When you’ve worked on connecting to yourself, you’ll meet your power. You’ll meet the depths of yourself. You’ll meet your heart. You’ll meet your integrity. You’ll meet the woman who goes, “Yeah, I can have that. I’m actually not willing to accept or tolerate or be okay with anything less than that.”
When you start connecting to yourself, something really, really interesting happens.
In the beginning phases of connecting to yourself, it takes willpower. It takes willpower to say no to the shit that you have normally done. If you’re used to dating the same fucking guy that you always date—the emotionally unavailable man, the guy who can’t be fucked—it takes willpower to say no to that.
But after a while of connecting to yourself, it doesn’t take willpower at all, because that’s just the standard. You’ve raised the bar. Instead you are going,” Oh, you know what? This feels familiar. I’ve been here before. I don’t want to do this again. I’ve done Connected Woman. I’ve done the programs. We’re not doing this,” it actually becomes inherently repulsive.
Their behavior becomes gross. You just get the ick when you come across this person with those avoidant qualities that used to be attractive to you.
In connecting to yourself on a deep level, you meet yourself in the deepest levels of self-trust, where you not only hear your intuition, but you listen to your intuition.
There’s an energy in a woman who trusts herself. You can see it. She walks into the room and you’re like, “There’s something about that woman.” I think we’ve all experienced that.
It doesn’t have anything to do with her looks. It has nothing to do with that. It’s a fucking energy. It’s a vibe that we can see. There’s an inherent power…an inherent worthiness. It’s knowing that I am fucking worthy and deserving of extraordinary shit.
If you’re in my world in any capacity, it’s because you’re powerful, and powerful women don’t settle for good. They want extraordinary.
You don’t want a good love. You want an extraordinary love, and I know that. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.
In doing the work, there’s a lot of responsibility.
I’ve had moments where I’ve gone, “Fuck, sometimes I think it was easier before I started doing the work.” That whole “ignorance is bliss” thing, right? But honestly, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t truly fulfilled. And that’s ultimately what we’re all wanting, isn’t it?
We’re all wanting fulfillment. We’re all wanting love. We’re all wanting intimacy. We’re all wanting connection, and it starts with us.
If you were responsible for creating the shittiness, you’re also responsible for creating something beautiful. You are the ultimate creator of your life…which can feel scary, but it’s equally fucking liberating, because you have been in bloody shackles for your whole fucking life.
What’s really cool is that you have had the key the entire time. You are the problem…but you’re also the solution.
When you become deeply connected to yourself, you will choose love over fear over and over and over again.
Your fear thoughts will say, “It’s not going to work out for me,” or, “Maybe this is as good as it gets,” or “Maybe I’m going to be forever alone,” or “What if I leave, and then he does the work and the next woman gets to reap the rewards of what I wanted?”
When you’re in a dysregulated state in your nervous system, and you’re always searching for wholeness outside of yourself, you’re always going to be in this state of fear, panic, worry, and anxiety versus being in this state of love and abundance and knowing that it’s always “This, or something better.”
Like I said at the beginning of this, I’m my favorite person to hang out with. I love me deeply, so to me, it makes sense why Drew wants to be with me.
At our core, we all just want to be seen. But it requires us to first see ourselves.
I know that I am a wonderful woman to be in a relationship with. It is a privilege to be in a relationship with me. I feel the same way about my connection to myself, and it’s how you should feel about connecting to yourself.
I am so grateful that I get to experience this. It’s not always easy. It’s fucking hard at times. I’ve had my moments where I’m like, “Why me?” And I snap out of them very, very quickly, because I know that I’m meant to do something very, very big…as are you.
So again, coming back to decision, you have to decide to start seeking wholeness in you. You have to decide to do the work. And I don’t just mean signing up to a program, coming to two calls, and then fucking off. I mean deciding that this is your new way of life.
It all starts with a decision and ends with a decision.
If you want the life that you desire, you want that self-trust, you want to be able to set boundaries and have them be respected, then it starts with connecting to yourself and deciding to be that person. It starts by choosing to identify as that person and to make choices that align with that person.
We do not want to make choices as who we are right now, because those choices by who you are right now have gotten you what you have right now.
So, if you want to start by making one choice in the right direction, Connected Woman is open right now.
This is when you decide that this is it. You’re not playing that game anymore. We’re fucking upleveling today.
Join The Connected Woman, a 12-week shadow work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman
Join Main Character Energy, a 6-week course on becoming the main character of your life and stepping into delusional confidence: https://michellepanning.com/main-character-energy
Ready to do the work? You can find all courses, masterclasses, and more right here: https://michellepanning.com/all-offers
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”