Hello, my loves. Today I am here with this incredible human, Bek Antonucci. She is an emotional well-being coach for women (also called a confidence coach) and supports women in breaking free from any of their limiting beliefs that they’re holding about themselves so that they feel courageous enough to express themselves authentically in this world.

Some people also call her a herpes virus coach, because she speaks loudly, proudly, bravely, and boldly about the herpes virus online. She loves to see women break free from that so that they can live their most liberated free life, and she loves being able to help them on that journey. 

You have GOT to hear this woman’s story.

The Diagnosis

Michelle: So, I also have genital herpes virus. I’ve spoken about it before. But I remember getting my diagnosis ages ago, probably over a decade now, and I still remember the sheer dread that I felt.

I was like, “My life is over. This is the worst. How am I ever gonna survive this? I will never have a sex life ever again,” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Sometime after, I remember being in a women’s embodiment thing, and there was a part where I was asked to share something I hold shame around. And I shared that, and I was fucking shaking about the fact that I had the herpes virus.

I actually ended up doing a live on Instagram about how I had the herpes virus later…and I swear, my business took off after that. I was challenged to share the one thing I didn’t want to share, and I shared that, and I felt so liberated and free.

I don’t even care about it anymore. I forget that I have the herpes virus at all. It’s a non-issue for me now, but I’d love to hear about your journey. What was your experience like?

Bek: Similar in so many ways. I contracted the herpes virus ten years ago through a man that promised me he was STI-free. I was twenty-five years young, innocent, didn’t really know anything about STIs, thought condoms were a safe route, only slept with my partners, all of that.

When I walked into the doctor, STIs weren’t even on my radar. So when the doctor said to me, “Oh, honey, this is the herpes virus,” I was sitting there like, “Well, surely there’s like an injection or an antibiotic or something. Just tell me what the script is to take to get this thing away from me.” And she was like, “No, honey, there isn’t a cure for this.”

The shock, shame, and trauma of a surprise diagnosis is so heartbreakingly, earth-shatteringly, life-ruiningly destructive for people to live through, because in that moment, the STI-free version of you is gone. Now you have this whole new identity of a woman who carries this very stigmatized herpes virus, and it makes you feel so unsafe.

Plus, at the time I had my first outbreak, which was the worst outbreak (which I had no idea wouldn’t exist for the rest of my life), I thought, “Is this going to be the experience of my pussy for fucking ever? I can’t live like this.” So it was incredibly, incredibly traumatic.

The Destabilization

Michelle: When you received your herpes virus diagnosis, what did you make it mean about yourself?

Bek: “I’m not good enough. I’m not safe. No one will love me. No one would choose me now. My sex life is ruined. No man will love me. No man will choose me. I have to settle for less than what I actually desire in relationships, because the kind of man that I really want would never ever pick the kind of woman who has the herpes virus. I definitely can’t be a handbag girlfriend,” etcetera.

I created a lot of safety through appearance, so I felt like the one thing that got me acceptance and validation and connection in this world was my appearance, and now that had been ripped from me.

I didn’t know where to turn, because anything that I thought could make me feel safe outside of myself had been entirely ripped from me. I felt like I had nowhere to turn and no one that I could trust. 

Michelle: Absolutely. It’s so destabilizing. I felt that as well.

The Shame

Michelle: As you said, one of the biggest things that comes up when you get a new diagnosis like the herpes virus is shame. I was very similar with my first outbreak; I’ve never felt pain like that before, and I thought that was how it was going to be for the rest of my life. Luckily it was not that, but how does someone start to navigate that shame if they’ve just found out that they have herpes?

Bek: Well, number one, you’re going to have all of these fears come up, like I just listed. And when I’m talking with people about this, I like to start with logic: “Have you done the research? Are you some kind of herpes expert? Do you have information to support these beliefs?”

Pretty much everyone is going to say, “Nah, I haven’t done any research on the herpes virus.”

So, what do you have right now that is supporting these absolute beliefs about yourself that are incredibly limiting? You have bad jokes in movies, bad jokes in rom-coms, bad jokes on social media, a joke made in Friends, a joke made in The Hangover…great. We’re not going to make informed choices about who we are as women based on some bad jokes that we’ve seen on TV, yeah? That’s not substantial information.

Once you’ve done all your research, if you want to believe your ineffective beliefs, go for it. But at least be informed before you do that.

You don’t even know if any of this is true. Is the herpes virus actually disgusting? Does it actually ruin your sex life?  How long does that first horrible outbreak actually last for? Let’s get informed.

Number two, I would love for you to just ask, “What are all my fears attached to this right now?”

More than likely, that’s pointing you to the work that you have to do. That’s pointing you to the way you’re actually going to unpack your shame.

I know lots of men that have the herpes virus that are like, “Yeah, I found out I had it, called two of my best mates, and one of them was like, ‘Yeah, I’ve got it too. It’s actually really common, bro.’ I went and got some takeaway, I felt sad for a day, and then I moved on with my life.”

I’m like, “That was your whole happy journey?” And they’re like, “Yeah, because I found out lots of people have it.” And I was like, “Oh, so is it not a big deal?” And they’re like, “Nah.”

So figure out what your fears are, because for that man, his fear was that it was going to ruin his life, and that he was one of very few. But once he found out many others had it and he wasn’t as isolated as he thought, and that it didn’t mean anything about him, it was all right.

Number three, find someone who has broken through the thing that you’re navigating so that they can pave a way forward for you.

Follow Michelle, follow me, follow whoever’s voice aligns with you, and let them show you that it’s still possible for you to have the life you want with the herpes virus. Find someone who represents who you are that can make you feel safe and okay in your pain, and she can pave a journey forward for you.

Number four, find an empowering community to dive into. Once you’re sitting with a group of people who remind you of you, who you can see yourself in, it will be much easier to have open conversations about it. 

The Reveal

Bek: The word “herpes” used to get stuck in my throat. It literally wouldn’t come out. I hid it for so long.

I reckon I gave the first partner I told a one-hour motivational speech. I felt like I was standing on stage in front of an auditorium of 50,000 people. My voice was shaking. My hands were shaking. I was sweating.

I finally got it out at the end, and he was like, “Oh babe, I thought you were going to tell me something bad!”

I was mind-blown. He was like, “I’m sorry that happened to you, and I feel really terrible for the amount of pain that you’ve gone through with it, but it’s not a big deal for me.”

I was so taken aback. My full body was braced. I was pushing back against seven years of full avoidance, terrified of what he would say, and there is was: “It’s not a big deal for me.”

I was like, What do you mean, not a big deal? This is the biggest deal in the whole world!” But it really wasn’t. I’d just spent so much time living in an echo chamber with my opinion of it that I didn’t realize how most people would actually react.

The Disclosure

Michelle: So, let me ask you: how do you disclose that you have genital herpes or an STI in general?

Bek: Well, I have a disclosure script. I usually do it straight away now just because it’s so practiced in my conversation, but if it didn’t come out straight away, I’d be like, “Hey, Michelle, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you. I would love things to progress a little bit more intimately. There’s something that I really want you to know, and I’m sharing this with you because I really respect you, and I really desire to give you the empowered choice that once wasn’t given to me.” And if I wanted it to stay private, I would just be like, “Hey, this is really private and a little bit vulnerable, so I would love for it to stay between the two of us.”

Typically, that person will say, “Of course, Bek. Whatever you’re about to say, I promise it’s just between the two of us.” That might give me even more of a sense of safety to disclose if I don’t want anyone to know, or I have a fear of others finding out.

Following that, I’ll just keep it simple: “It’s really important for me that you know that I do test positive for the herpes virus.”

After that, I pause, leave space, let them see if I’m nervous, see my vulnerability, because I feel eye contact and seeing what’s happening in someone’s body creates such deep intimacy. And then after a little pause, I’ll say, “So you have any questions for me?” And that’s how I disclose. 

Michelle: Mm. I love that. There’s no charge in that, you know? There’s no “Ugh, this is so horrible,” or “I totally get if you don’t want to see me.” It’s very matter-of-fact. “I test positive for the herpes virus.” Boom. That’s it. Because it’s not this huge deal.

So, you disclose your herpes diagnosis straight away. When do you recommend people do it? Because when you’re taking your pants off is probably not the time, yeah?

Bek: So, I don’t believe there’s a right time to disclose having the herpes virus, because it gets to align with you. But the one really bad time is just before you’re about to take your pants off.

Beyond that, there is no wrong time, but if you’re about to disclose, probably don’t do it just before you’re about to have sex. That doesn’t give them time to process.

I prefer to disclose right away, but I feel that pressure to disclose early is actually something that pushes people away from disclosure. Force makes it just so stressful.

What I recommend to most women is that they consider the question, “When would you have loved the person that you were sleeping with, who ended up giving you this virus, to disclose it to you? When do you feel would have been the right time for them to sit you down?”

For me, that answer is your moral compass guiding you. And that’s what I feel is the right time, whatever that is.

That’s Not All…

I’m so, so, so grateful that Bek came in and was so honest and open and fucking raw with us. We need more humans like her, truly.

All her details will be linked below, so make sure you give her a follow. She’s fucking amazing.

To hear the rest of our chat, head over to Episode 136 of Unf*ck Your Relationships— there’s a LOT that wouldn’t fit into this post, and you don’t want to miss a fucking WORD.

Also, keep an eye out: I’ll be guesting on Bek’s podcast, Raw, Real, and Vulnerable, very soon. I’ll let you all know when that’s going down, but fuuck, I’m so excited. See you soon.

WORK WITH BEK:

Website: https://shor.by/mSuQ 

CONNECT WITH BEK:

Follow Bek on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bekantonucci/ 

Listen to RAW, REAL, AND VULNERABLE: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raw-real-vulnerable-with-bek-antonucci/id1641025015 

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Join MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY, a 6-week course on becoming the main character of your life and stepping into delusional confidence: https://michellepanning.com/main-character-energy 

Sign up for SAVAGE, a masterclass all about navigating projections and being the most confident b*itch in the room: https://michellepanning.thrivecart.com/savage/ 

Get instant access to SHADOW HUNTER, a FREE 3-day event all about WTF shadow work actually is, how to do it, and how it’s going to completely change the way you do relationships forever: https://michellepanning.thrivecart.com/shadow-hunter/

Join The Connected Woman EXPERIENCE: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com