Hello, my loves. Today is a big day in the Unf*ck Your Relationships world: we are celebrating 150 motherfucking episodes of my podcast. That is mind-blowing.

I recorded the 150^th episode on May 13^th, 2024, and let me tell you…that was a wild weekend. But it reminded me of something really important I want to share with you…and it all starts with a car accident.

So, I recorded this episode on Monday. And the Saturday prior, I had a car accident, which was wild. I wasn’t at fault; I am just having some terrible luck with cars right now.

So unfortunately, my brand-new beautiful car is no longer here. I’m waiting to hear if it is a write-off or if they can fix it, but the damage was pretty intense. But what has been so beautiful about this is my partner Drew has handled everything, as he did when I had the car fire from the engine recall with my previous car less than a year ago.

He immediately was like, “Give me your policy number. Give me the claim number. I will sort everything.” He was on the phone all day. He even organized the rental car for me. I just thought that was such a testament to him as a human. But it also made me think of something so many women need to learn: how to stop mothering your man.

Stop Mothering Your Man

Full disclosure, it has been so fucking challenging for me to stop mothering in relationships.

It’s especially difficult to stop mothering when you don’t realize you’re mothering at all. I wasn’t doing the things I thought “mothering” involved: cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, etcetera. They’re fucking grown up. They can do that shit themselves. But I need to stop mothering when it comes to emotional labor. I used to do a lot of managing my partners as people, and I’m going to be totally transparent…sometimes I still catch myself in it.

This is something I coach women on a lot. I often hear, “I’m in this relationship, he’s amazing, but I can’t stop fucking mothering him.” Or the opposite: “He’s not so amazing,  he acts like a fucking man child, and I continue to mother him.” 

Now, if you are doing that, you’re actually getting something out of it…but we’ll speak to that in a second. For now, just be open-minded about this conversation, okay? Hang in with me.

What is “Mothering” in Relationships?

Before we can stop mothering our partners, we need to know what mothering even looks like.

While cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and all of that is definitely part of it, there’s a difference between nurturing and mothering.

To me, mothering in a relationship means being controlling, nagging, having to remind them of how to fucking manage their life, how to get their shit together…basically treating him as a child who doesn’t know better.

Like, if you had a son who was seven years old, you wouldn’t trust him to be able to manage the finances or keep the household on track. But your partner is thirty-five, right? He can handle himself.

You don’t have to keep reminding him of things. If you’re constantly going, “Did you take out the trash? Did you load the dishwasher? Did you call the doctor? You said you were going to make an appointment. Why haven’t you made an appointment yet? You said you were going to book the dentist. Why haven’t you done that? Oh my God, you haven’t put it in your calendar?” you have to stop.

Let him live. I know this sounds almost patronizing, but seriously, let him be a fucking grown-ass adult.  Know that he is capable of handling his own life.

Take Responsibility—For Yourself

If you are dating someone who genuinely is not capable of handling their own life—and I’m talking about someone who is physically and mentally able-bodied. I’m not talking about someone who has a disability that genuinely impairs them from being able to manage their life, that’s a completely different story, I’m talking about the guy who’s just fucking lazy—if

 you’re dating someone like that, and you keep mothering him…that’s on you.

Let him live his own fucking life. And if he wants to burn that to the ground, let him. 

Did you hear me? Let that land.

If he wants to burn his own fucking life to the ground, let him.

And what do you do? You hold your head held high and walk the fuck away from it.

What do you get by staying in a relationship with a man who cannot sort shit out for himself? Who cannot book a fucking doctor’s appointment for himself? Who cannot be bothered to do his own laundry? Who cannot be bothered to plan a date for you guys? 

We don’t have time to be doing that shit. I mean, we do have time, but you get to choose how you spend your time, and I sure as fuck am not going to spend my time like that.

The difference between mothering and nurturing is that nurturing really gives him space to be able to step up versus you latching onto his potential like a leech and trying to nag him into growth.

You’re not his coach. You’re not his mommy. So can you let go on the reins of that? Nurturing him is simply being there for him, supporting him, encouraging him, appreciating him, admiring him, all of those things.  And if you don’t have any appreciation or admiration in your relationship…why are you in that relationship?

How to Stop Mothering

So we know we have to stop mothering our men…but how?

Here’s one way to stop mothering him: instead of nagging him and criticizing everything he’s not doing, appreciate what he is doing.

It’s not that you can’t ever bring up the things he isn’t doing. They’ll get brought up. But can you make focus more on what he is doing, how he is showing up, rather than how he’s not?

Men respond well to positive reinforcement. If he plans a date, and you go, “Oh my God, it turns me on so much when you plan dates like that,” then guess what he’s way more likely to do again?

(You don’t have to say it like that, I’m exaggerating, but you get it, right?)

The more that you appreciate your partner, the more they’re going to want to be like, “Oh, fuck yeah. I love when my girl’s happy. I love when she’s turned on. I love that. I want to do more of that.”

And the more you nag them, the more they’re going to be like, “Well, fuck this. Why even try?”

Another way to stop mothering (and this one is controversial) is to stop giving him advice.

This one has been my kryptonite, y’all, because I’m in the business of giving advice. Especially when it comes to business; I’ve never been with a partner who also has a coaching business, so it’s naturally difficult for me to hold my tongue when I see him doing things I wouldn’t do that way.

I don’t always get this one right. I’m going to be honest. There are times where I feel like I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

There have been times where he’s asked me for advice, and that’s perfect. When it’s solicited, it’s great, but can you show him that you trust him instead of telling him? Can you show that you trust him by allowing him to just figure it out sometimes?

Again, he’s capable, he’s strong, he’s a man, he can do it, he’s an adult. So stop mothering him. Let him make his own mistakes. You do not need to give advice.

Happy 150!

I hope this has given you some insight into how to stop mothering your partner. If these methods aren’t working, there are so many more—I talk about a few more in Episode 150 of Unf*ck Your Relationships, so head over there and listen to the full episode to get them all—but  we also talk about this deeper in The Connected Woman, as well as inside The Experience.

You can ask me whatever the fuck you want in The Experience. You have me as your mentor for the entire year. So if you want me as your mentor for the entire year, you can find the link to sign up below!

Last but not least, thank you all so much for being here for 150 motherfucking episodes.

I love you. I hope I am helping you in some small way or huge way to unfuck your relationships on a daily basis. And I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for being here. I’ll see you in the next one!

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