Hello, my loves—and welcome to the celebration of 200 EPISODES OF UNF*CK YOUR RELATIONSHIPS!

What a journey this has been. The majority of podcasts never get into the double digits, let alone hit 200 episodes. So I’m going to take a second to brag on myself: Michelle, I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you for sticking with this and being consistent and really trusting yourself and your knowledge that this was going to help people.

And you know what? I’m proud of all of YOU, too. For showing up. For being willing to do the work. For wanting to make a change. Whether you’ve been along for the ride since Episode 1 or just joined the party today, I’m so happy and grateful you’re here.

You all have helped facilitate my dreams coming true, which is such a beautiful gift to receive…and I want to give one back to you. So to kick off the celebration, we’re going to play a little game I like to call “Truth or Trigger.”

I asked you, my lovely listeners, to DM me some of your personal situations. I’m going to pick some of these out and actually coach you through it right here, right now.

Truth or Trigger?

Avoidant, or Just Comfortable?

“We met about a year ago. We’ve been officially together since the 28^th of January. Anxious-avoidant dynamic, but trying to switch to secure, both of us. I see him trying, but we have a long-distance relationship, and so it’s hard going back home and feeling him disconnect a little bit after having a nice week together. I don’t know how to soothe myself. He’s more of an acts-of-service lover, and I’m super verbal and communicative, so my mind is racing and inventing scenarios most of the time. Where would you start? Thanks, love you.”

First of all, love you too. Second of all, let’s look at what the truth is here: is he being distant or going into avoidance, or does he maybe just need a little bit of space?

This is a reality in relationships: we have codependence, we have independence, and then we have interdependence.

Interdependence is where you’re comfortable with closeness and you’re comfortable with space. Independence is when you’re most comfortable with as much space as you can get, and codependence is when you’re most comfortable with constant closeness.

Sometimes if someone’s very, very anxious, they can take their partner needing any sort of space as a sign that they’re being avoidant, which may or may not be the case.

In this case, I would look at that and ask if he’s actually being avoidant, or if he’s maybe just comfortable with some space between you.

And honestly, if he is avoidant and still trying, that’s massive. I’ll be honest, a lot of avoidants don’t want to try. They don’t want to do this work, period. So the fact that he’s trying is a beautiful thing in and of itself.

If you’ve had this beautiful week together, and then the comedown from that high is triggering you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong; it could be that your nervous system is craving consistency, and now it’s in this withdrawal mode because you’ve had all this closeness, and now it’s gone.

Distance sucks. Long-distance relationships are challenging. There’s no if, ands, or buts about that. But distance does not equate to disinterest.

The truth here might sound like, “We’ve had a great week. He’s probably just re-regulating like I am; coming back into routine, coming back down to baseline. That does not mean that he’s checked out.”

The triggered story, however, might sound like, “He’s pulling away. That means he doesn’t care as much as I do. Maybe I’m too much. What if I’m always going to be chasing? Well, he hasn’t responded, so now I won’t respond.”

That’s the anxious brain talking and pushing you into protest behavior. It’s not wrong, but it’s also not necessarily truth.

That part of you is trying to protect you by predicting and anticipating abandonment before it happens. Your brain is saying, “If I can predict the worst-case scenario, then I can prepare for it. I can brace for impact, and then it won’t hurt as much.”

But as anyone who’s experienced that before knows, no matter how much you fucking prepared for it, it still hurts.

Love is not built in preemptive panic mode. No matter how much you worry or predict, it’s not actually going to lessen the heartbreak if it happens.

So, this anxious part of you is just trying to protect you. But you have to learn how to soothe that part.

What I just did is actually one method—by calling the triggered spiral out as being what it is, a story, you can actually start to soften it. It’s not real; it’s just a story you’re telling yourself.

The Vanishing Libido

“I’m feeling very closed sexually to my husband. My libido is nearly non-existent. We have a great relationship, and at the beginning, our sex was great when it was ‘low stakes.’ I’ve also experienced a lot of sexual trauma in my life, and I feel like that is a big contributor. I’m sad because it feels like a part of me is missing, and I want to feel liberated and excited to experience my sexuality with myself and my husband. What would you do to work on this?”

First off, I think this is a very, very, very common thing that so many women experience—men too, I’m sure.

This is a really, really tender thing to tackle. So the first thing that I want to say is that you are not broken; you are wise. Your body is incredibly intelligent. Your body is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe.

If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, typically it can show up as one of two ways: either through repressed sexuality, where people do not want to be sexual at all because it feels scary and vulnerable, or through hypersexuality, where they’re actually dissociated from their body and disconnected entirely from their sexual experience.

For me, it was hypersexuality. At the beginning of relationships, where there was no emotional attachment, I could have sex because it was a performance. Once emotional connection was present and my heart came online, it was like my sex center shut down.

So here’s the truth: you want to feel open. You want to feel turned on. You want to feel connected. You love your husband. Your relationship feels emotionally safe, but your body is not on the same page. And that’s not because something is wrong with you; it’s because it’s still holding that past imprint of trauma.

When sex used to be “low stakes,” as you said, your nervous system didn’t associate it with the pressure of safety, performance, or vulnerability. Now that you actually care about the relationship, your heart is online, you feel emotionally safe, you feel emotionally seen, and there’s a level of vulnerability. Your nervous system’s like, “Oh shit, this is intimate. This is real. Abort mission.”

How does it do that? By shutting down our libido.

So then the trigger story might go into, “Why am I like this? What if this never changes? He’s going to get bored. He’s going to feel unloved. I should want sex more. When my husband touches me, why am I like recoiling?”

All of these thoughts only add pressure and shame—the exact two things that shut down libido faster than anything.

Here’s where I would start: separate libido from performance. Your sexual aliveness does not mean you are ready to jump your husband’s bones tonight. It might start with central movement with yourself; self-touch with no agenda.

Nothing shuts down the feminine more than an agenda. All my girlies are going to know what I’m talking about when I say this—and for all my men reading, listen up. Do not ever do this.

You know when you are having sex, and you are on the brink of orgasm…and then he says, “Are you gonna cum?”

What happens to our orgasm? “Well, I was gonna make an appearance, but not anymore. Bye-bye. See ya.” Because your feminine feels an agenda.

The same thing happens with this. If you’re like, “I must have sex, I need my libido back, we need to be having frequent sex” well…that’s not fun. That’s not juicy. That’s not turning you on.

So what can you do to bring things on? Maybe it’s not “Let’s have the wildest sex” or wearing some crazy lingerie. Start with self-touch with no agenda.

When you get out of the shower, put some lotion on. Do it slowly, use presence, touch every inch of your skin.

You can read erotica or listen to erotic novels. If you’re not into porn, this is an alternative to that. Listen to something sexy, just to wake up your curiosity and notice what turns you on about being alive.

This is about you reconnecting with your own desire before it becomes about anyone else. Build safety in your own body. If you’ve had sexual trauma in the past, your system might associate turn-on with danger. So it’s not about forcing arousal; it’s about retraining your nervous system to understand that pleasure is safe. You’re in control. You get to choose.

This also starts with advocating for yourself when something is a no. When you are being intimate with someone, even if you are midway through sex, if you need to stop, you say, “I need to stop” or “I need to pause” or “I need a breath” or whatever feels good to you.

And if this is really something that’s alive for you, because obviously we can’t fucking heal trauma through a podcast, please go see an expert on this. Someone who does somatic experiencing EMDR, somatic psychotherapy, someone who is experienced in trauma work, etcetera. Not just someone who’s trauma-informed; I’m trauma-informed, but I’m not a certified trauma therapist. So that’s what I would be looking for if you do want to go deeper with this.

After you work on building safety within yourself, reestablish connection with your partner without pressure.

Let him in without making it about sex. For instance, maybe for the next month, you guys actually take sex completely off the table so that when he cuddles you or gives you a kiss or holds you from behind or gives you a little spank on the bum, you’re not like, “Oh my fucking God. Now he wants sex,” because that introduces dread.

If you know it’s off the table, then you can actually enjoy the experience of being together.

This could look like having a makeout session. This could look like laying naked together without expectations. This could be you asking for a massage. This could be sharing fantasies or memories or desires.

Lastly, just know you’re not failing, you’re healing; and that is sexy as fuck in its own way.

More Truths, More Triggers, More UFYR

These are just two of the scenarios I coached through in Episode 200; to hear the rest (and trust me, you want to; the likelihood is you’ll relate to at least one of them) grab a snack and a drink, pop in your headphones, and head over there now.

But for now, thank you for celebrating with me. Happy 200 episodes. Oh my goodness, it’s been a fucking ride.

Let’s continue on the journey together, shall we?

If this stuff spoke to you, this is literally what we do inside of my 12-month group program, The Experience.

We have monthly group coaching calls where I am coaching you on a Zoom call. You get to ask me your questions in a group chat where you can pop in as needed, and I will respond throughout the week, answering your questions in a voice note exactly like I did here. We also have embodiment calls.

If you want to come work with me in person, come join one (or both) of The Awakening Retreats. I promise you they will sell out, so get in there FAST. We’re at 30% capacity already, and this is the first time I’ve even announced it.

I love you. I love having you in my world. I’ll see you in Episode 201.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com