Hello, my loves. Today, we’re going to be diving into why you feel like you are “too much” and “not enough” all at the same time.

This is something that I come across on a daily basis in my work. If you’ve ever been told that you’re too emotional or you’re too sensitive or you’re too intense, while simultaneously feeling like you are never quite enough to be chosen, to be cherished, to be celebrated…this is for you.

It can be really fucking confusing to swing between these two opposite ends of the same spectrum. Even worse, it’s hard to push back against one without exacerbating the other.

Core Wounding

These beliefs, whether occurring separately or in tandem, are a kind of core wounding.

This belief comes from early attachment wounding, likely something in your childhood: when you were younger, you learned that being too loud, being emotional, or being “dramatic” resulted in some kind of punishment.

That punishment could have looked like rejection, withdrawal of love, physical punishment, reprimanding, etcetera. Whatever it looked like for you doesn’t matter so much; what matters is that somewhere, you began to believe those traits (loud, emotional, dramatic, needy, etcetera) were bad or unlovable.   

In the same vein, if you were praised for being a “good girl,” whether that meant being quiet, following the rules, not acting out or throwing tantrums, or anything else, you are bound to exaggerate those characteristics now as an adult.

If you were never shown that your full expression of yourself (your mess, your chaos, your emotions, etcetera) was allowed or accepted, you’ve likely internalized that in order for you to be loved, you need to abandon parts of yourself.

So you’ve grown up, and you’ve learned that abandoning yourself is how you earn love. So when you’re on a date, you now look for clues about what they want in a partner, and you subtly shapeshift yourself into that person. It might not be true—in fact, it might be in direct contradiction to your truth—but that’s what you have to do to earn love, right? You don’t have a choice.

Shadows and Shame

But here’s the thing: the parts of you that you exile for being too much, they don’t go away. They become shadows.

The part of you that is loud or emotional or messy or vulnerable or tender or whatever you think makes you too much, it doesn’t go away. It simply ducks into the shadows where you can’t see them anymore.

Because of this, if you express vulnerability with a partner, you become emotional, and you see them shut down, they don’t actually have to say “Oh my God, you’re being so emotional. You’re being so needy. You’re too much” in order for you to feel shame.

You’ll immediately go back into the story that you’re too much…but you’ll also start to panic and think that you’re not enough to be loved in your vulnerability.

“I should be stronger. This shouldn’t be so difficult for me. I shouldn’t be so anxious. I should—” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All because you dared express an emotion.

Now you’re trapped in a loop. “If I take up space, I’ll be abandoned. But if I don’t take up space, I’ll be forgotten.” So what the fuck do you do?

What “Too Much” and “Not Enough” Actually Mean

First, let’s be honest: “too much” is often a label that gets slapped on a woman who is literally just expressing her needs. Fucking sue me.

It’s so fucking prevalent these days. It’s prevalent in social media. It’s prevalent in dysfunctional relationships. Someone expresses a bare minimum need, and they’re seen as demanding, entitled…too much.

You might think I’m exaggerating, but I have a year-long group program (The Experience, link’s waiting below, you can thank me later) where you can pop into a Telegram group and ask me questions. And so often, the questions that people are asking are like, “I’ve asked my partner if they could please stop flaking on our dates, but he says that I’m being needy. Am I asking too much?”

Let me be so clear: you are asking for the absolute bare minimum. That does not make you too much.

We need to raise the fucking bar. The bar is on the goddamn floor, and these men aren’t even willing to put the energy in to step over it.

And it’s not just men, right? Women do this too. I’m speaking in very heteronormative terms here, but this can happen with any partner. Regardless, you are not too much for asking them to do the bare minimum. It is quite literally the least they can do.

But I digress.

So that’s the truth about being told you’re too much. As for feeling like you’re not enough, that often shows up as a quiet desperation that you feel when those needs aren’t met, but you internalize that and make it mean that you are the problem.

What you have been calling “too much” is often just your fucking truth. Straight up. It’s just your truth. But when you convince yourself it’s too much, you stop trusting yourself. You start to shrink yourself down. And then the “not enough” comes swinging right back in.

Different Places, Different Pains

These sensations—being too much and not enough—show up in different areas, but both have a major impact on how you show up in your life. Your dating life, your work life…even your sex life takes a hit when the too much/not enough pendulum starts swinging.

To start picking out where these sensations are seriously fucking with your life, listen to Episode 201 of Unf*ck Your Relationships. Take notes. Spot the patterns. And by the time it’s done, you’ll know exactly what you need to do to stop the swing.  

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com