Yes, yes, I know—I say it every fucking time I have a guest on the podcast. But it’s true, so deal with it: I am so fucking excited to introduce you all to one of my beautiful clients, Kellie Irene!

Kellie has been with me for a few years. She’s done Awakening Her, The Experience, and my retreats, so she’s been in my world for a while.

Kellie absolutely embodies main character energy. She’s bold, courageous, vivacious…I love being around her, and I have to bring her magic into this space so you all can experience it, too.

Meet Kellie!

Michelle: Kellie, tell the people who you are!

Kellie: As Michelle said, my name is Kellie Irene. I’m from Melbourne, Australia. I’m twenty-seven years old, which I thought was so old when I was a kid, but now I feel like I’m just starting out. I feel like I’m only just learning who I am…and starting to love her, too.

Michelle: I so resonate with that. I remember being younger and thinking “By the time I’m twenty-five, I’ll be married, I’ll have a few kids…”

Well, here I am at thirty-five, and now I’m like, “But I’m just a baby! I’m not ready for that!”

The Lies Ego Tells Us

Michelle: Do you feel like you could have predicted where you are in your life now back then? Like, is this what you pictured for yourself at twenty-seven?

Kellie: No, not at all. My concept of what success was had everything to do with what was modeled to me then, and I just assumed that was everyone’s level of success.

Similar to you, I thought that by twenty-five, I would have children. I would be married. I’d have put on the perfect wedding. Money was never a question for me—I don’t know where I thought I’d get that from, but I thought I would have all this money. I thought I’d be with the love of my life, and the relationship would be perfect.

That was a fucking rude awakening. What a kick to the teeth.

Back then, I assumed success came from everything that you had, not how you felt. So I thought, “When I have these things, I’ll win. I’ll be successful. I’ll live happily ever after at twenty-five.”

This probably came from the other assumption I had, which was that the second I turned into an adult, I would have it all figured out.

Michelle: I can’t remember what this concept is called, but there is an actual psychological concept that talks about this. When you’re just starting something (i.e. adulthood), you think you know everything about it, and you’re like, “Fuck yeah. I’m so good at this.”

Then the more you do the thing and the more you learn about the thing, you realize you know absolutely fucking nothing. And after that, your confidence slowly goes back up as you actually do figure the thing out.

Kellie: My mom used to always say, “I have the life experience. I lived before you lived. Trust my word.” And I was like, “Jeanette. I know my truth. I’m thirteen. I know what’s right for me. It’s in my best interest to have a day off school just to rest.”

Michelle: Our ego does that to us even as we get older, right? We’ll go, “No, actually, I don’t think it’s a good time for me to do this thing, because it’s just not feeling in alignment. I need to rest.” And it’s like, you’ve been saying that for seven years. When are you done resting?

Kellie: It’s funny you mentioned that, because I’ve definitely been experiencing that lately. I made it to my mid-twenties without knowing what an ego is; I only learned about it through your work.

I’ve told you for ages that I want to start a podcast, I want to get myself out there on socials, I’m experiencing moments in everyday life that feel like nods from God to say “Yes, you need to share this,” and then…I stop myself the second I’m pushed toward making it a reality.

When I could take actionable steps towards that goal, instead I’m like, “Ugh, I’m sick right now. We’ll leave that for another six months” or “When I lose the weight, then I’ll make that happen.”

I keep convincing myself it’s not for me because I’m met with the slightest bit of discomfort, when it’s actually just my ego being like, “Hey, Kel, we’re feeling a bit stretched right now. I don’t want you to have to face something you are not comfortable with, and I don’t want you to be unhappy, so we’re just gonna take a step back and put you back in the comfort zone.”

But like you keep telling me, you can’t make decisions from that space.

The ego hits you in times when you’re at a crossroads. And when you’re in that situation, you can either go with the flow—go with your ego—and protect yourself by going straight into your comfort zone, potentially losing years and years of your life not living up to your potential…or you can turn it the fuck around, face a bit of discomfort and hurt and anxiety, keep going forward, and trust the process.

When Trauma Turns Toxic

Michelle: All right, let’s go back a bit. How did you come into my world? What was happening in your world that made you want to do this work?

Kellie: I was in therapy, as most people are, and my therapist was like, “Have you heard of Michelle Panning?” and she dropped the name of your podcast. She said you’d be a great person to listen to in terms of confidence-building.

So I started listening. I listened every day for a while, especially when I was in America training.

I’m a professional wrestler, and I was training at the best school in the world for professional wrestlers. WWE’s head guy, Seth Rowlands, runs the wrestling camp, and I flew myself to America for three months to be there.

It was my first time living out of home. I was a month into my relationship. And I was definitely in what I would now refer to as my “trauma zone.”

I had no idea what the fuck it was at that time, but I was experiencing so much discomfort and anxiety on a daily basis. On top of that, I didn’t really have a lift to classes, so I made the walk to classes every day. So to try and put myself in a more positive spirit, I’d put on your podcast.

Like I said, I was a month into a relationship that I’m still in today, thank God.

Although this is the relationship I was meant to be in, all my shit absolutely came up when I was in a healthy relationship. It reached a point when I came back from America where I was so in my trauma zone that the way I got control over my life again was by taking control of my relationship…which meant being controlling of him.

It wasn’t cool. And it finally reached a point where I pushed him way too hard about why he wanted to go to some party without me—“What, are you just going to look at other girls?”— and he was like, “Babe, I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Naturally, I went crying to my mom. And my mom said, “If you were with someone like this, I would tell you not to be with them, because it’s kind of emotional abuse.”

I was like “Oh, I gotta do something about this.” And that’s when I signed up for Awakening Her.

Michelle: That just goes to prove what you were saying about your mom saying, “I have life experience. Listen to me.”

Kellie: She truly pulled me out. I’m so grateful, because if she’d been my hype girl in that moment, I would’ve lost the love of my life.

Nobody Likes a Cliffhanger…

So what happened next? How did Kellie crawl out of that trauma zone and find a way to re-regulate?

The answers are waiting inside Episode 202 of Unf*ck Your Relationships, where Kellie and i talked about this and so, so much more…and she showed just what’s possible when you actually buckle down and get this shit done.

CONNECT WITH KELLIE:

Be the first to listen when Kellie launches her podcast, THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS: https://www.instagram.com/thewomanofyourdreamspodcast/ 

Follow Kellie’s wrestling journey: https://www.instagram.com/iamskylarcruize/ 

Connect with Kellie: https://www.instagram.com/kellieirenee/ 

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com