Hello, my loves. Today’s guest is truly a first for this space…I’d love for you all to meet Jack Bohannan, who is a certified somatica relationship coach who helps clients recondition relational patterns…and a man.

I’ve only had one other man on here as a guest, and that was my ex-partner, so this is going to be really interesting.

In his work, Jack combines the experiential approach of somatica with elements of the Ideal Parent Figure, or IPF, protocol by Daniel Brown, which is a method developed to treat attachment issues. He supports women in healing their relationships with men and empowers men to relate better to women and themselves.

This is going to be a juicy one, friends. I can already feel it.

Meet Jack!

Michelle: So welcome, Jack! I’m so thrilled to have you on.

Jack: Thank you, Michelle. I know some good things are going to unfold here.

Michelle: I know. I’m very excited. Just before we got started, I was saying to Jack, it feels really cool to be like, “Ooo, the elusive man is going to guest on Unf*ck Your Relationships.” It will be cool for women to hear from you, but there are also a lot of men who listen to the podcast and read these as well, so I’m excited about this for them, too. Gotta support the men!

So, tell us a little bit about who you are and the work that you do.

Jack: So, I have a pretty good perspective on men in that I’ve done a lot of men’s work. I’ve sat in a lot of men’s circles, so it’s interesting to find myself working mostly with women.

Men’s work led me into coaching, and I’ve found the coaching that’s been most effective is actually coaching across the gender divide.

Some of the work that I do is experiential, which involves energy work and role play that works really well between two heterosexual people of different genders.

With that, we’re reconditioning boundaries and seeing what it feels like to receive in a really safe way, and we’re doing all this work around what’s coming up in the body in connection with a man.

For clients who are ready for it, it is super powerful.

The Somatica Method

Jack: For those who aren’t familiar, the somatica method is a form of sex and relationship coaching. I’m usually not that sexy about it, but it is a type of surrogate relationship where it is totally focused on the client rather than the typical relationship scenario where everybody’s trying to get their needs met at once.

It offers the opportunity to have a kind of “relationship lab” where you’re bouncing experiences off somebody else and creating things with somebody else.

It’s really beautiful work, because it’s totally focused on you as the client. And yes, there’s another human holding space here and practicing flirting with you or practicing boundaries or what have you, but the emphasis is entirely on the experience of the client.

The client is able to hit the stop button on the interaction at any time and talk about any response they’re having, and we can stop and unpack that. And when it gets safe enough in that relationship, all of the trauma just boils up and boils out.

Oh, How the Turn Tables

Michelle: I laughed a little bit internally when you mentioned practicing flirting. Some of the women reading this just had their heart drop into their vagina. Like, fuck. That would be terrifying, to actually have to practice on the go with someone when it’s not a romantic relationship. You can’t hide the way you normally would in that dynamic.

For me, as someone who worked in the sex industry, I would always hide behind my sexuality when interacting with men. So to work with a male practitioner who saw beyond my bullshit and saw beyond my mask and could see the vulnerability and clunkiness of my flirting or my fear of not getting it right would have been terrifying.

Do you come up against that resistance when women are working with you?

Jack: Honestly, if someone was feeling that, I’d really honor that resistance. If that felt like a big ask to step into that, I would suggest we not do it right away.

But I’d be curious about what else is there. For instance, what’s at the cusp of that mask? What triggers that need to put it up?  What’s the experience of having the mask up in the first place?

For instance, I’m curious about the mask you say you used to wear that was so sex-forward, because most people don’t access that in the world. Most people are pretty shut down to their sexuality. How did you manage to turn sexuality into a mask?

Michelle: I knew at some point you were going to turn this around and ask me a question.

Jack: I did it really quick, too!

Michelle: So, for a lot of women, there’s a split with the sexuality where it’s either repressed or overexpressed. And for me, it was overexpressed.

Like I said, I worked in the sex industry. I was a stripper. I started to realize very quickly that not only could I get money by being overtly sexual in that environment, but I also got attention, validation, and reassurance.

So I would lead with my sexuality, but it was not embodied. Because in the bedroom, me being actually authentically sexually expressive was not going to happen. Nah. Let me just hide behind my porn star act of flipping my hair and making the porn star sounds and all of the things.

But regardless, I would use my sexuality as a weapon and a shield. And if at any time I was dating a guy and I started to like him, the way that that would show up, rather than me expressing that, was to jump into bed with him immediately. It was a way for me to disconnect.

The Great Mystery of Men

Michelle: But enough about me. There’s something that I need you, as a man, to clear up for us women. Because I know just about everyone wants to know the answer to this…

Jack: I don’t know.

Michelle: Ha, ha.

Jack: No, really. I don’t know why that is. I get this question a lot, actually, and the answer varies.

If you want the mystery solved, I think you should ask him.

It can be as simple as, “Hey. It seems like I haven’t heard from you in a minute. Are you into this?” And if he can’t provide a very good answer to that question, whether the answer is “Eh, I’m not that into it” or “No, no, I’ve just been busy!” or whatever it might be, if he can’t give you one, he’s probably just exceeded his relational capacities.

In my opinion, that’s the end of the story, honestly. I don’t care about why he’s pulling away that much. I encourage clients to not care about why.

Don’t try to figure him out. There’s not too much point in figuring him out, because even if you do, the behavior and situation will be the same, and he’s probably not going to change.

More Mysteries, More Mindf*cks

Don’t worry—I know you’ve all got more questions for the man in the room, and I asked plenty of them inside Episode 203 of Unf*ck Your Relationships. (Psst—if you’re one of those people who KNOWS when something is off with your partner, but he won’t open up, and you don’t know how to help…you’re gonna want to slap some headphones on and get in there.)

My anxiously attached girlies are gonna want to enter the chat here, too. Jack’s got a lot of wisdom on how to approach an avoidant-leaning partner for you…even if it’s going to be tough to hear.

WORK WITH JACK:

Are you an anxiously attached girly? Struggling to connect with an avoidant partner? Get Jack’s FREE webinar now: polarityunscripted.com/heal 

Ready to release old attachment patterns + create happier, healthier connections? Work with Jack: polarityunscripted.com 

CONNECT WITH JACK:

Connect with Jack on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/polarityunscripted/ 

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com