Warning: today’s post might piss you off.

It’s to be expected, all right? I am called the Trigger Queen, after all. (If you’re new here, just know: it’s all said with love.)

Buckle up, because today, I’ve got some fucking brutal truth bombs to drop about anxious attachment.

So yeah, if you’re someone who anxiously attaches, at least a couple of these are probably going to piss you off, but honestly? Fucking good. Sometimes we need a good shakeup to get our heads out of our asses and actually start shifting things.

The reality is, the patterns that you’re running through right now are keeping you stuck. And until something brings you to your fucking senses, you’re just going to keep running on that hamster wheel of heartbreak and dating the same damn person in a different outfit.

Caveat: these truths are here to shake you, but they are not here to shame you. I know this about you because way back when, I was you. There’s no judgment here. And coming from someone who’s been there…if you can actually let these land, they’re going to change how you do love forever.

10 Truths About Anxious Attachment

1.  You Don’t Even Like This Guy

Truth number one: You don’t actually like the person that you’re dating. You like the fantasy of them.

I see it all the time. Most of the time, you are not even dating the person in front of you. You are dating the idea of them.

You fall for potential. You build an entire fantasy in your head because they took you on one nice date.

Then time happens. Then you get to know them for real. And the first time the fantasy fails you, you’re like, “Wait, what the fuck? Who is this person?”

You get all pissed and panicky that they’ve “changed,” but the truth is, you’re pissed that the reality doesn’t match the fantasy that you have created in your head. And even when reality shows up, you don’t get the hint; instead, you end up pushing shit uphill to try and get this person to be “how they used to be” at the beginning, or to try and remodel them into what you wanted so your anxiety can chill the fuck out.

This is one I used to do. I was so desperate to be chosen that I would look for any evidence at all that they were going to be my person, and I’d run with it. I would deeply attach to that, ignore every red flag, get all excited and invested…and then it would all come crashing down.

Think about the people that you date. Do you actually fucking like them, or have you cherry-picked the couple of things that you like and ignored the rest? Do they actually match what you’re looking for, or are you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because you’re attached to the fantasy instead of the reality?

2.  No One Abandons You Faster Than You Abandon Yourself

Truth number two about anxious attachment: you are so afraid of abandonment, but the actual brutal truth is that you abandon yourself faster than any other motherfucker can.

You think that the people that you are dating are the ones hurting you, but the actual truth is, you ghost yourself long before they do.

Anxious attaches are notorious for abandoning themselves. Here’s how it goes:

You connect with someone. You really like them. And because of your relationship blueprint, you do not want to be abandoned by this person, even though you’ve probably known them for like three fucking days. And you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure that does not happen.

So what happens then? You self-abandon instead.

Maybe you feel like you need a night to yourself, but they message you and ask if you’re available, and suddenly you’re free as a bird. You’re up for anything and everything.

Suddenly you’re overriding your own boundaries. You’re not getting enough sleep. You’re out on a work night and dragging the next morning, all because you’re afraid that if you tell them you’re not available, they’ll drop you.

It could also look like them saying or doing something that upsets you or hurts your feelings, but you don’t say anything. You convince yourself it’s fine, it’s no big deal. But you’re abandoning yourself in that moment by refusing to stand up for yourself or refusing to verbalize when something hurts you.

You shrink what you actually feel to keep the peace. You silence your needs. Maybe you even completely disconnect from your needs. Whatever it looks like, it all comes back to you fully abandoning yourself so somebody else will stay with you.

You’re doing the exact thing that you are so afraid of. You are so afraid of being abandoned by another person, but you abandon yourself on the fucking daily. So what are you saving yourself from?

3.  You Don’t Actually Have High Standards

Brutal truth number three about anxious attachment: you believe that your high standards scare people away, so you get rid of your standards. But the truth is, you never actually had standards at all.

You might preach all this shit on Instagram or TikTok about being a “high-value woman” and having such high standards…but you don’t.

The reality is, you don’t hold standards. You may think you do, but you drop them at the first sign of perceived rejection, and then you wonder why you attract people who give you the bare fucking minimum. You attract them because that’s what you are available for.

Your frequency says, “I will tolerate breadcrumbs. I will tolerate the absolute bare minimum.”

Someone who actually embodies high standards does not want to be in a relationship with someone who drops their standards in an instant. Trust me. And as Ms. Taylor Allison Swift said, your time is your currency. It’s expensive. So treat it that way.

High standards do not scare away the right people. They actually attract them. So if your high standards scare someone off…girl, let them run. That’s what we have standards for in the fucking first place.

4.  Butterflies Aren’t It, Babe

Brutal truth number four about anxious attachment: you consistently mistake anxiety for connection.

The tightness in your chest, the racing heart, the obsessive thoughts, the anticipation of when they’re going to text you back, constantly picking up your phone to check…you call that chemistry, but it’s not. It’s your nervous system in survival mode.

You consistently confuse panic for passion, and that’s where people get really, really confused with anxious attachment because they actually don’t know what safe love feels like.

This means they’ll consistently go for the person who gives them “butterflies,” because they think that’s what connection feels like. That’s an adrenaline rush, babe—and it’s not a green flag.

5.  Before, Not After

Brutal truth number five: When you have anxious attachment, you truly believe that self-worth comes after the relationship. You feel like if you meet the right person, then you’ll finally feel like you’re enough.

No, bitch, that’s backwards. You have to feel enough before you meet the right person.

This is why you keep settling for crumbs: because you think being chosen will finally give you the sensation of being worthy. But your self-worth is the entry ticket, not the fucking prize at the end.

You don’t get it from another person. No one can hand you self-worth. Only you can do it. It has to be fucking self-sourced.

6.  You’re Not Hosting a DIY Show

Brutal truth number six about having anxious attachment: you are addicted to fixing people.

You’re not a rehab center, okay? You’re doing unpaid labor, and I don’t want that for you. I don’t ever want you to have to do emotional labor for another grown-ass adult ever again.

So let’s not mother our partners. Let’s not coach them. Let’s not manage their emotions. Let’s not do all the heavy lifting and then resent them for not stepping up.

By picking people that you perceive as “broken,” you are trying to get them addicted so that they need you. So that they’ll never leave you. It’s like your own unconscious insurance policy.

The thing is, secure people don’t want to manage another person, nor do they want to be managed. They want a partner, not a parent. They want to come into a relationship with another person who is whole and complete within themselves, and then the two of you are able to co-create something together. So put the fucking toolbox down.

7.  You Want This More Than Anything…And It’s Not Love

Truth number seven: When you have anxious attachment, you actually want control more than you want love.

You say that you want devotion, but you actually want control. You want to know where they are, who they’re talking to, what they’re doing, and how they feel at all fucking times.

It’s normal to want to be an important part of their life. You want to be let into their world. You want to meet their friends. That’s all fine. But when you’re anxiously attached, you want to be the center of their universe.

When you’re like, “Where are you? Who are you talking to? Who’s this? How are you feeling?” every single second of the day, that’s not love. That’s fucking possession.

You cannot love someone and control them at the same time, because you can’t simultaneously be in love and be in fear at the same time.

Control is derived from fear. It’s always coming from a fear-based lens. And when you actually love someone, you trust them—you’re not afraid of what they might do.

8.  This Ain’t a Competition. Act Like It

Brutal truth number eight of anxious attachment: you crave being chosen, but that craving causes you to secretly hate other women.

You want to be The One so badly that every other woman feels like competition. You talk about fucking sisterhood and girlhood and womanhood and all the things, but behind the scenes, you’re comparing. You’re competing. And worst of all, you’re secretly hoping that other women are going to fail so that you can feel safe, which is sick and twisted.

That’s not fucking sisterhood, it’s scarcity.

This will play into every area of your life, too. If a friend starts doing better than you financially, you start hoping she’s going to have some fucking downfall to make you feel better. Or if someone close to you gets engaged and you’re still single, you’ll be like, “Ugh, that’s so unfair.”

Now, you can be sad about the fact that you are not in a relationship and also be very happy for your friend. But watch where you actually say that you are a stan for women and you’re all about girlhood and empowering women, when you’re actually a gossip and you’re talking shit.

Someone else’s win does not stop you from winning. Someone else’s beauty does not erase yours. Someone else’s intelligence or success or fame or whatever does not erase yours. There is so much love to go around, and when you are coming from a lens of scarcity, every woman is a fucking threat. And that’s not the way a secure woman navigates the world.

9.  You Want Security Without Being Secure

Anxious attachment truth number nine: You want a secure relationship without having to become a secure woman.

You expect to be in a relationship with a person who is calm, grounded, emotionally intelligent, patient, and compassionate…all while you get to spiral and obsess and test them constantly.

That’s insane. You are demanding what you refuse to embody.

Let that land: you are demanding what you refuse to embody.

You are demanding something from someone that you are unwilling to do for yourself. That’s so unfair.

If you want someone who’s calm, grounded, patient, emotionally intelligent, etcetera, then guess what the best way is to find them?

Become a calm, grounded, emotionally intelligent, patient person. Become the thing that you are asking for in a person.

10. You Already Know What To Do—You’re Just Scared

This leads me to my last brutal truth about anxious attachment for today: you already know what you need to do. You are just fucking scared to do it.

You’re not here because you don’t know what you need to do. You’re here because you’re hoping I’ll give you a different answer.

You want to find an answer that’s easier. Less scary. Less difficult. I’ll tell you right the fuck now, you’re not going to get that here.

You already know that you want to leave this relationship. You already know that you want to ask for this need to be met. You already know that you’ve been abandoning yourself, and you actually need to focus more on yourself. You already know you need to stop taking responsibility for other people’s shit and take responsibility for your own stuff. You already know that you need to raise your standards. You already know that you need to set a boundary and actually fucking stick to it. You already know that you need to stop consuming more information and join a fucking program where you’re going to actually get to embody it. You already know that you want to go to my retreat, or you want to join The Connected Woman or The Experience, where you’re actually going to live all this stuff, not just talk about it.

Deep down, you already know the fucking answer. Lack of knowledge is not your problem. Courage is your problem.

If you keep waiting until you feel ready, good luck sitting in your house for the rest of your life by yourself. Because confidence comes from courage, and sometimes courage means doing something before you feel fucking ready.

Not Broken, Just Stuck

These truths about anxious attachment may be brutal, but if you see yourself in this, just know that you’re not broken.

I want to make that so fucking clear. You’re not broken. Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re just stuck in really old patterns and outdated frameworks.

But the good news is, you can rewire this. That’s exactly what we do in my retreats, in The Connected Woman, and in The Experience. Pick your poison—well, not poison. Pick your medicine.

Whatever you choose, it’s going to take you from being someone who is anxious as fuck and abandons yourself in your daily life to being someone who is secure in and out of your love life.

You already know what you need to do. I’ll see you there.

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