If you’ve been around for a minute, you know I went through a breakup at the beginning of January…as in, literally right after New Year’s.

I have been single and not dating this entire time…but lately, I’ve begun to feel like I’m on the verge of feeling ready to date again. 

The idea of jumping back into the dating world has had me thinking a lot about the dating habits of secure women…and the dating downfalls of insecure women. 

So today, I wanted to come in and talk about the five things that a secure woman never does in dating.

5 Dating Don’ts for Secure Women

Never Abandon Your Standards

Firstly, a secure woman never abandons her standards just because she likes a guy.

I see this a lot. You will write down all of your standards, all your non-negotiables, all your deal-breakers. You’ll know exactly what you want…and then as soon as someone has flirty banter with you, it all flies out the window.

Suddenly you’re making excuses for everything because you have good banter. He’s cute, he’s funny, he wrote in his profile that he values honesty and communication (if it’s in his internet profile, it MUST be true, right?), blah blah blah.

For example, let’s say you’ve been on a few dates. You like him. He has all the things that you’re looking for…except he said that he doesn’t want anything serious, and you do.

But instead of going “Nope, not a match!” you said, “Well, maybe once he gets to know me, he’ll change his mind. He just needs to see me.”

So you start sleeping with him. You start doing girlfriend stuff or wifey stuff with him. You create this pseudo-relationship and think that if you spend more time together, that will inevitably change his mind.

I’m going to tell you right now, girl: it will not. Period. Don’t fall into the trap.

And before you get on your high horse, I want you to realize something: he is not the problem in this scenario. Yeah, he doesn’t want anything serious—but he told you that up front. He was honest about what he wanted and what he could do. You’re the one who let the intrusive thoughts win and threw yourself into the “I can fix him!” trap.

If you are entertaining men who from the get-go have said they aren’t looking for anything serious, and you’re continuing to entertain that despite knowing you want something more, that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. You are the problem.

Secure women don’t pull this bullshit. They don’t entertain people who don’t align with their standards—they’re perfectly content waiting for someone who does match what they want.

So stop abandoning your standards. It’s not the vibe.

No Mixed Signals

Secondly, a secure woman never silently suffers through mixed signals.

If a man is saying that he likes you, he’s flirtatious with you, he’s texting you…then he disappears, a secure woman is not sitting there racking her brain or texting her girlfriends trying to solve the mystery until he comes back around.

You have been here before. You have seen how this hot-and-cold game plays out. It doesn’t end well, right?

If someone cannot be consistent in the beginning, they will not be consistent later. Period.

You don’t want someone who says he likes you, then disappears on you for days or weeks at a time. Anyone can say anything—it’s their actions that actually prove what’s going on with them.

You want someone whose actions align with their words. You want to stop guessing. You want to know where you stand at all times. That’s what secure women look for.

He can say he’s really into you, but if he says it, then you don’t hear from him for a week and a half…seems like his actions say otherwise, right?

You don’t have to wait for him to do something obviously toxic to say this isn’t the dynamic for you. The gap between what you want and where you want to be as a secure woman is you do not trust yourself to walk away unless it’s so fucking obviously toxic that you have to.

A secure woman is not waiting for chaos. She’s walking out at the first sign of misalignment. Not from a space of avoidance, but from a space of actually not being aligned in the ways that matter.

Security is Stone, Not Clay

Thirdly, a secure woman never shapes herself to be more likable.

Secure women are not clay; they are stone. They don’t mold themselves into whatever the person they’re speaking to wants them to be.

When you’re dating from a place of insecurity, you are often looking for clues as to what this person likes and what they don’t like, because at the end of the day, there is a little child inside you that is always trying to get love, safety, and belonging, whatever that takes.

While on dates, your ego is assessing how you are seen by the other person, and you’re trying to read those cues and adjust yourself accordingly. Are they looking for someone funny? Someone sexy? Someone chill?

Whatever it is, you do your best to become who you think he wants you to be, not who you actually are, because somewhere deep down, you’ve equated being chosen with being valuable.

A secure woman is not fucking with that. She’s not trying to contort herself into what someone else wants.

Out With Obsession

Fourthly,  a secure woman never obsessively analyzes every motherfucking text or interaction.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had a client be like, “What does this mean?” and I’ve been like, “What if you just…ask him?”

Of course I can help you, but I’m not him. You are not him. So it actually doesn’t make sense for you to try to decode it.

If you’re rereading his text a dozen times trying to decode it, writing out replies in your notes app, sending them to your best friend and your sister and your fucking mom trying to make sure they sound effortless, not too needy, whatever…you’re dating from your head, not your body.

That makes every text, every phone call, every interaction, every bit of engagement between you two into a fucking chess move. And that is just not the vibe.

You want to be dating from authenticity. You want dating to feel light. You want it to feel free. You want it to feel safe. You want to be able to respond in your truth without spiraling.

Never Pick Based on Potential

Lastly, a secure woman never dates for potential.

When you meet someone and immediately see all the possibility—“Oh, he’s so deep. He’s so creative. If he’d only work on his communication, he would be amazing.”—you might be tempted to stick around and try to make it happen.

You stay. You wait. You hold space and you coach him and you therapize him…and then you call it loyalty. You call it devotion. You call it caring about someone. You call it being a good person. You call it empathy. You call it fucking love.

It is none of those things. It is a trauma response.

You are trying to heal your unworthiness by turning him into the man you wish he was.

You think that if you can heal him, then you can heal your childhood wounds.

But a secure woman? A secure woman wants to be chosen by someone who’s already ready.

You want someone who’s already ready, already stable, already emotionally available. You want to fall in love with someone you don’t have to try and piece together like a Lego set.

What Next?

If these pitfalls sound familiar to you…if you want to become a secure woman, but you don’t yet have the tools to calm the part of you that is scared that he’s going to disappear if you say the wrong thing, and you do not know how to feel secure unless the man is showing up exactly as you want him to so you’re getting validated every ten seconds…you should join my dating program, Swipe Right.

It’s literally made to to help you stop fucking around and start actually attracting genuine, long-term love. It gives you the opportunity to get my feedback on your profile, on the messages you’re getting, all the things, and I’ll help you get the tools you need to react the way a secure woman would. The link is below. I’ll see you there.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Sign up for SWIPE RIGHT, my signature dating program that is going to help you attract genuine, long-term love: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

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Website: http://www.michellepanning.com