Hello, my loves. Today, we are going to be diving into how to actually become secure.

There’s a lot of fluff out there that misdirects people on this journey. So we’re going to dive into four actual, tangible shifts that you can make to start becoming a secure woman.

4 Shifts I Made to Become Secure

These are the four secure woman shifts that I made in order to become secure, and they’re the same shifts I recommend you make.

Before we start, this is not about creating an entirely new identity, although you may become unrecognizable throughout this process. This is not a one-and-done thing; this is about implementing micro-recalibrations into your life that actually allow you to show up differently.

Performance to Presence

The first shift is to move from performance to presence.

Here’s what I mean by that: If you’re constantly managing the dynamic between you and another person by trying to say the right thing, being agreeable, trying to keep the peace, etcetera… you’re not actually connecting. You’re putting on a show in order to be what you think they want you to be.

It’s not authentic. It’s not building intimacy. It’s building a persona—and eventually, no matter how well it seems to work at the beginning, that persona will crumble.

You can only keep a costume on for so long before the method acting gets really fucking old. And when it does, your partner is going to feel like they just watched you turn into a stranger—because they did.

Performing is not the way to build lasting, genuine relationships. Allowing your true self to be fully present, even if you’re afraid it might scare them away, is the only way to create an authentic connection.

A secure woman isn’t afraid to be real. She knows who she is—and she knows that if her truth scares someone off, then they weren’t meant to be in her life in the first place. Why would you want a partner who is turned off by the real you?

Presence is frightening. It requires being able to regulate ourselves in order to stay in the moment—but it’s easier to try and dissociate from the situation so we can regulate  (avoidant attachment) or cling so tightly to the other person we can use them to regulate instead of regulating ourselves (anxious attachment).

Neither the anxious nor the avoidant wants to be in their body, which is why I talk about embodiment so much. It’s why my retreats are so life-changing, because it’s an intensive all about being in your body and building your capacity to sit with sensation.

Hyper-Responsibility to Shared Relating

Shift number two is going from hyper-responsibility to shared relating. So if you grew up in a household where you were constantly managing people’s emotions, chances are you’re doing the exact same shit in your romantic life. Or you’re terrified of ever doing it again, so you’re avoidant as fuck and avoid engaging with anyone.

But there’s a difference: love is not love if it costs you…well, you. A romantic relationship should not compromise your relationship to yourself. So if you’re falling into that trap, or running from it, you don’t understand what the dynamic of a healthy relationship is.

This could look like not over-explaining your boundaries. No means no, and that is enough of an explanation. You don’t need to soothe their feelings over it.

It also looks like letting the relationship be neutral. Relationships should not be a project that you have to repair and reinforce.

Look at where you are overly taking responsibility for the other person rather than actually giving responsibility back to the other person and taking responsibility for your own life.

Emotional Avoidance to Embodied Expression

Let’s talk about shift number three: going from emotional avoidance to embodied expression.

A lot of women think that they’re the cool girl. They’re chill.

Here’s a secret: you’re not chill. You’re repressed, babe.

I’ve worked with thousands of women on this exact thing. And the same women who go, “I just don’t get angry,” are the women who end up doing a full fucking rage release at the retreats. They’re the same women who are resentful in their relationships. They’re the same women who immediately burst into tears when there’s actually a lot of repressed rage there.

So instead, you’ll downplay your needs. You’ll laugh off hurt and use sarcasm and banter because vulnerability feels like walking into a fucking fire.

Embodied expression is about reclaiming the softer side of you. The part that actually does get hurt.

I am quite bold and direct on here, but I am deeply sensitive. I’m very, very tender. I have a very squishy heart, and before I became secure, vulnerability felt like way too much for me. Instead, I would always make jokes and try to skirt around what I was actually feeling.

This shift is about coming back into your body and letting yourself be seen in whatever you’re feeling—letting yourself be seen in anger, in hurt, in shame, in guilt, in pleasure, in joy…even in vulnerability.

In real time, this looks like saying, “Hey, that hurt my feelings” instead of bantering back or laughing off the joke that they made. It’s naming your needs before you explode.

Self-Abandonment to Self-Honoring

Lastly, shift number four is moving from self-abandonment to self-honoring.

Out of all of them, this is the most important shift. If you have made love mean “I accept you and I will stay even if you treat me like shit,” if you think compassion equals tolerating everything, that isn’t being secure; that is abandoning yourself.

If you’ve done the work, you are probably very compassionate and have a lot of empathy towards the people in your world.

You understand trauma and you understand childhood wounding, so you will give the benefit of the doubt a million fucking times over. But real love is not about self-sacrifice; it’s about self-honoring.

The most attractive trait in another human being is them deeply loving themselves, having reverence for themselves, and taking care of themselves. And that looks like choosing partners who make you feel safe, not partners who give you “butterflies”…AKA, anxiety.

I want you to have chemistry with someone, but there’s so much more to a relationship than chemistry. And a secure woman is never afraid to walk away from chemistry when it costs you your fucking sanity.

Choose Yourself

If you are ready to make these shifts—and even if you think you’re not—I really invite you to make a choice for yourself. I invite you to stop taking care of everybody else and make a choice for you.

I’m speaking specifically to the woman who is thinking, “I want to be at those retreats,” but you’re scared. You’re scared of the flight, you’re scared of being vulnerable with strangers, you’re scared of the investment…I get it. But let me ask you this: when is it going to be your turn?

Make it today, love. I’ll see you at the retreats.

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