Hello, my loves. Today we’re going to tackle your inability to be alone.

“She can’t be talking about me! I’m so independent! I can do so many things alone.” Mmm, can you, though?

Let’s drop the ego—and drop what you think you know about being alone—and open up to the idea that you actually might be less all right with being alone than you thought.

The reason I got into this work in the first place was because I could not be alone.

If you don’t know my story, I started stripping at nineteen, and my entire relationship to men was predicated on how much attention and validation they were giving me.

I’d work three days a week or so, and I filled the rest of my time with friends or going out on dates. I always had a boyfriend or someone I was talking to or a situationship I was in. And if it wasn’t a man, it was social media or a friend or TV.

Anytime there was an empty space in my schedule, I filled it with whatever I could. I could not just sit with myself and be.

At the beginning of this year, my partner and I broke up. And afterward, I decided that my word for the year was going to be self-love. And beyond that, what I’ve been really feeling into is the idea of devotion to self.

A lot of people think, “Ah, that sounds so beautiful. I want that.” But do you actually recognize what that entails?

Antici…

A lot of people end up joining my signature shadow work program, The Connected Woman, because they cannot fucking sit with themselves. They feel their feelings, but they’re so overwhelmed by them that they don’t even know how to cope with them, so they’re doing everything that they can to get rid of them.

In this situation, we often end up using people to soothe ourselves. Not in the healthy way, not through co-regulation, but in a way where we look to this other person to soothe us, validate us, or do literally anything so that we don’t have to sit with our own feelings.

This is where people go wrong. They’re so afraid of feeling whatever is there for them, but the truth is that the anticipation of the feeling is always worse than the actual feeling.

The anticipation of feeling heartbreak is actually worse than heartbreak. The anticipation of feeling distraught is worse than actually feeling distraught. Once you feel it, the fear is over, and it’s never as bad as you think it will be.

…Pation

The other day, I got on a call with one of my closest friends, who’s also a manifestation coach. I broke down on the call and shared what was on my heart, which was, “I feel like nothing’s working.”

She reassured me that it was all working, and what I needed to do then was surrender.

I allowed myself to fall apart and just sob, and honestly…it was such a relief. That release was borderline orgasmic.

There’s so much joy in sadness. There’s so much joy in anger. There’s so much joy in heartbreak. I know that might not make sense logically, but think about it: when you have a really good cry, do you feel more miserable? No, you sit there and think, “Oh, I feel so much better,” because you finally stopped fighting what you needed to feel.

You’re no longer anticipating the breakdown. It’s over, and guess what? You lived!

It feels so fucking good to feel, even the “negative” emotions, but we’ve been so conditioned to not feel those feelings that we avoid them at all costs. And it not only robs us of the release we need, it makes us fucking terrified of being alone with ourselves.

There’s nowhere to hide from ourselves when we’re alone. So rather than risk feeling an actual feeling, we throw ourselves into the nearest distraction…whether that’s a man, a friend, a doomscrolling sesh, a Netflix binge, or whatever helps you pretend your emotions don’t actually exist.

The Whole Fucking Point

I hear this all the fucking time from people: “I can’t meditate because I think too much.”

That’s literally the point, babe. That’s literally the point of just being with yourself.

A huge focus of the retreats I host is learning to be in your body, because then you build your capacity to be with whatever the fuck life throws at you, negative or positive.

The reality is, your life is not going to be linear. Life is never going to be static. You’re never going to reach a point where you feel the same way all of the time forever, and now you’re just happy 24/7.

Even if everything works out exactly the way you dream, there are going to be ups and downs. That’s just reality.

Now, can we work on regulation so that you don’t have extreme highs and extreme lows? Yeah, a hundred percent. But life will still life, and you’re still going to have to deal with it.

You’re going to deal with darkness. You’re going to deal with light. You’re going to deal with joy and sadness and the best days of your life and absolutely shit days.,

But the question is, can you be with that without scrambling to find something outside of yourself to smother it? Because there’s so much beauty and so much awe in actually just being with yourself.

I find this really difficult to articulate, because it’s a truth that’s really felt rather than told. I teach embodiment in all of my programs for this reason, because my clients always go through them and go, “I never understood what you meant until I experienced it, and now I could never go back to the way that I was. I could never go back to being disconnected. I could never go back to not feeling my feelings.”

Becoming a Connected Woman

Learning how to be alone is not about getting used to isolation. In fact, isolation isn’t even the only way to be alone. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to being in a relationship and feeling alone.

You could have someone right next to you and feel alone, but in contrast, when you get comfortable with solitude, you can be physically alone but still feel so connected and fulfilled. And that is something that no one can take away from you.

You can be at peace in your own space without needing constant stimulation. And it’s not to say that you don’t get to watch Netflix or have a glass of wine or flirt with someone. I love all of those things. It’s when you become reliant on them for your sense of self that they become a problem.

To be frank, a lot of women tell me they can’t wait to do The Connected Woman, or that they can’t wait to come to the retreats. But honestly? They’re not. They’re fucking terrified, because they know they’re going to have to be with themselves.

But if that’s you…you can continue to be afraid. And you can also decide to be courageous and see what’s there, because the reality is, there’s one dial on emotions—and if you turn down the dial on shame and fear and anger and grief, you’re also turning down the dial on joy and pleasure and love.

So if you know that you’ve been outsourcing your entire life to things outside of yourself, then this is your sign. It’s time to be courageous.

If you want to join The Connected Woman, the link is below. If the retreats are where you need to be, that link is available too—but spaces are limited, and they’re going fast. I hope I’ll see you there.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman

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