If you read last week’s blog about anxious attachment and thought since you didn’t have parents who invalidated your childhood feelings you were going to skate by…well, put down the hockey stick, cause we need to talk.
As promised, we’re back with an in-depth look at another attachment style: dismissive avoidant. And once again, we’re gonna get into the time machine and take a look at how you and your parents interacted. Sensing a pattern yet?
So if you have this attachment style, you were physically cared for but that’s about it. Your parents just *didn’t*. They never did anything damaging to you per se, but that’s the problem. They never did anything for you except for the bare minimum.
In fact, remember the experiment? The science dude who got a bunch of babies in a room and observed them after their moms left? Avoidant babies didn’t even care, because for them this was a regular neglectful Tuesday (I don’t actually know what day the experiment was performed). Ouch.
Well, you’re probably disconnected from your emotions, without the ability to cry or acknowledge your own needs. So you’re basically the bad boy from every rom-com who says things like:
“I don’t cry. I can’t love. You should stay away.”
*takes drag of French cigarette*
“My only emotion is vengeance. My favorite color is emptiness.”
Sorry, but that really only flies (barely) in romance novels. You’re going to have to learn to feel and stop viewing healthy dependency on others as the worst thing to ever happen to you.
It’s also a special kind of hell because on some level you already know what I just said is true, and you want connection, but not at the cost of your own vulnerability. You crave and cringe against connection all at the same time.
Talk about a mind fuck. Thanks, Mom and Dad!
You often feel shame and weak for needing or wanting other people in your life. You are a big fan of emotionally withdrawing, giving the silent treatment, and making sure you avoid any and all conflicts.
Congrats, you’re essentially someone’s late German grandmother, God rest her soul.
Your entire being is dedicated to avoiding shame, and to do this you don’t open up, and you make sure you shoulder every burden and process every hard time alone. Because you’re the only person who you can count on; You’re living a never-ending school group project.
You also love to look for small petty things to turn into deal-breakers so you can feel better about cutting and running to avoid actual attachment. Then, you romanticize what could have been while fantasizing about finding the one in the future. Confused yet?
Ok, so here’s the thing. I know dealing with things going on inside yourself is akin to torture. But you’re going to have to confront that mental block; it helped keep you safe as a kid, but now it no longer serves you. You have to stop cutting yourself off at your heart.
You also have to stop dismissing the needs and feelings of others. If your feelings are valid (and they are) then so are other people’s, and they’re not weaker than you just because they know how to express their needs.
So, how do you tap into your secret feelings? Well, just jump in, that’s the best advice. My Connected Woman program is really helpful and will provide a safe space for you to start sharing your needs and feelings within a safe community. Anything that connects and grounds you more in your own body is super helpful too. Yoga, nature walks, breathwork, journaling, do it all, and see what works for you.
Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!
See you back here in the next one!
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”