Oh, you fearful-avoidant unicorns. You are a small percentage of the population. So small, but mightily terrible. I’m so sorry. Let’s break down your particular cross to bear.
Yet again, we’re going up against a traumatic childhood, however, this one is mainly fear-based trauma. You likely had parents who loved to overshare (resulting in parentification of you, the child), when they felt like it. This enmeshed you as their emotional confidant, but when you went to share your own feelings or even inquire about theirs and they weren’t feeling it, they shut you down. Sometimes they were safe and sometimes they weren’t and it was up to you to guess.
This come here, wait, leave mentality was (and is) disorienting, and dysregulated your central nervous system as a result. Thanks, boundaryless parents.
Because of the nonsense you were raised in, you likely have a really hard time with connection. You really want it, but also fear it above all else. You are also terrified of advocating for your own needs.
This combination of anxiety and avoidance merge like the world’s worst relationship supervillain. You are so disconnected from yourself and your needs, and you have no ability to self-regulate, nor can you accept attempts at soothing from others because can you even trust them?
You have an irrational fear of abandonment because your parents emotionally abandoned you constantly and you never saw it coming. This means that you are always testing the people in your life to see if they’ll stay.
Casual sex is your drug of choice since you get some physical connection sans any emotional risk. Follow-through is for chumps/people who don’t believe everyone they meet is about to emotionally devastate them.
Above all else, you dread falling in love. But also you want it SO MUCH. WHAT THE HELL?
Space is paramount but so is connection and you are so confused. To figure this out, better make sure to internalize every little thing, repress your needs, have constant meltdowns, and employ what’s known as “preoccupation” with your relationship, where you analyze it constantly.
Nailing down a label within 3 seconds of meeting will surely prevent heartbreak/come off as really rational. You will also be a prominent figure on the emotional hell carousel; this means you will overshare, freak out about the overshare, and then withdraw.
Not confusing at all. You’re killing it.
Only you’re not. Nope.
Listen, this is the result of trauma, and if it was serious you need to seek out a therapist so you’re not living in a constant state of anxious and fearful hell.
If you went through some trauma that you feel like you have a bit of a handle on, may I recommend The Connected Woman. You’ll receive questions and journaling prompts, as well as coaching and a community to help ground you to feel safe in your own body.
You’ll learn to identify your relationship patterns and figure out what you really need. We’ll help you heal and re-parent little you. You hold all the tools you need to feel like you’re on solid ground. Just because it’s how you’ve always been doesn’t mean you can’t unlearn it; and you deserve the opportunity to try. Let’s get started.
And in the meantime, try taking this Attachment Style Quiz to determine your own attachment style. That’s going to be your first step to figuring out how to repair & heal your inner child.
Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!
See you back here in the next one!
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”