Well, well, well. If it isn’t the blessed 50% of the population. You lucky, securely attached bastards. You think you’re cooler than the rest of us? With your stable parents who understood boundaries? You think you’re hot because you were validated and supported as you grew up, and were encouraged to be independent all the while knowing you had a stable and consistent support system to help navigate emotional quagmires? (I mean, you are hot, babe, but I’m doing a bit here, just let me work).
There you go, running around with your relaxed central nervous system, and the ability to experience love and intimacy since emotional vulnerability was always met with support when you were little. Must be nice. Must be REAL nice. No seriously, what was it like, what IS it like, is your brain just like….quiet? God, you’re cool.
Here’s the thing, though, for the other half of the relationship spectrum- we can grow into secure attachment too. Sure it’s gonna take some work, but there’s hope!
But first, what does a healthy supported and appropriately timed relationship even look like? I’m glad you asked.
Secure people are game. Secure people recognize the need for space but can rock out to closeness too. They know people have flaws, and this doesn’t automatically discount them as non-contenders. They can self-soothe when need be, and they allow themselves to lean on people; they trust like the action doesn’t physically pain them. Their emotional needs were met when they were little, so they have no insane suspicion of abandonment now
*pause to screech in outraged jealousy if you need to*
Also having their partner get vulnerable with them doesn’t make them flee in terror. They have what I like to call, a soft front and a strong back, meaning they are Olympic gymnast level at balancing being open/compassionate and having strong boundaries.
They support people without taking on the other person’s bullshit or allowing them to project it on them (what is this sorcery?) They don’t play games, and if they feel like they aren’t being treated well they walk away because they’re not desperate and they know their worth.
This one may cause some physical pain: they are also ok with feedback, specifically negative feedback. They don’t internalize it as commentary that they are fundamentally flawed deeper than the Grand Canyon, nor do they get defensive. They just…hear it? And acknowledge it? And…work on themselves gently? In essence, they don’t just REACT, because they know whatever is said is meant to help them improve a blind spot they can’t see.
*pause for ME to screech in jealousy*
Probably the most important thing securely attached people do in relationships is express what they’re looking for. They are not interested in wasting other people’s time or theirs, and they don’t try and change someone or wait around for the other person to see their worth. Again, they love themselves enough to lay out their needs (but not in an inappropriate and needy way) and there’s no lingering desperation to make them compromise on those needs.
If you are one of the blessed/chosen ones, and you’re looking to explore your basically perfect central nervous system, may I suggest shadow work? Shadow work allows you to connect with parts of you that try to come out in “kinky” or unproductive ways (like “when do I get to play the victim”?).
If you would love to be more securely attached, or if you are and want to take a dive down into your darker waters, The Connected Woman Program will help with all of these needs. Just see the link below to sign up, spots are filling quickly!
And in the meantime, try taking this Attachment Style Quiz to determine your own attachment style. That’s going to be your first step to figuring out how to repair & heal your inner child.
Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!
See you back here in the next one!
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”