One of the most common things I hear when working with women is “I just want real love.” Dude, I hear you. I know. And sure, to some degree, lots of men are the worst. But, I have news for you- you’re part of the problem. 

Hear Me Out

Look, it’s never fun to identify what we’re doing wrong. But if you feel like you’re in an endless loop of attracting men who are super fun and hot and things go well until they crash and burn- eh, sorry but you’re employing a pattern. You’re doing it to yourself and you’re getting in your own way.

Basically, you’re not asking the right questions. You’re probably so focused on the chemistry in the relationship that you’re neglecting the compatibility. Don’t get me wrong, chemistry is important; you obviously have to be attracted to your partner. But hot sex and good looks do not a relationship make.

That’s why your focus really needs to be on how compatible you are with a potential partner. Hot sexy times ebb and flow, but feeling emotionally safe because your needs are consistently met? That’s what gets you to a 47th wedding anniversary. 

Can you tell them how you feel, and get the support you need? Can you have tough conversations, and communicate effectively even if you’re fighting? These are the dynamics that will make or break your relationship, so pay attention to how safe and secure you feel when you’re with him. Do you feel like you can be yourself? 

Here’s How to Do it: The Bottomline

Relationships are so complex, so it’s impossible for me to generally tell you exactly how to establish one that will last (if you work with me in Connected Woman or one on one we can tailor a plan just for you), but I do have some general bullet points that could potentially help you find a dude you’ll actually like today and a year from now:

• Find men with secure attachment

This one should go without saying at this point, but if you’re truly seeking out a lasting love, the last thing you need to be worried about is any intimacy issues he’s bringing to the table. Take the pressure off of yourself and date someone who can meet you at your evolved emotional level.

• Stop dating people who can’t meet your needs

You can’t fix him. He’s not going to change. So if you’re sitting around waiting for him to magically understand what you need and become everything you’ve ever hoped for…don’t. 

• Release the Ex Factor

You have to make room for another person in your life sometimes physically but always emotionally. So if you’re still obsessing over the last bygone love you had, that doesn’t leave much room for someone new, now, does it?

• Cut em loose if they don’t want what you want

Again, you can’t change him, and frankly, just because he doesn’t want what you want doesn’t mean he should change. If he doesn’t want a relationship or to get married and that’s your main aim, maybe don’t “see where it goes.” Because crying and not washing your hair for days is not where we want to be! 

• Stop basing connections solely on sex

Sex is important, sure, but again if you’re looking for real love you have to base a relationship on more than just great sex. You have to be able to connect on every level, not just a physical one.

• Listen to your body

Your body is the real MVP, always out here for you trying to keep you safe. So if you have a gut feeling that a dude is not great, listen to it. You don’t owe anyone anything, and at best you’ve saved everyone wasted time, and at worst you’ve avoided ending up on Dateline.

• Get a coach or therapist

It doesn’t have to be me, but dear god help yourself out and get some outside perspective. You’ll never be able to see the mistakes you’re making and the patterns you’re perpetuating unless you have a neutral third party to help you sort your shit. 

Healthy love exists and you deserve it!. I hope this list helps you know a bit more about what to look for in order to find it, and I hope you know that you are so so worthy of everything you’ve ever wanted in a relationship. 

Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.

And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!

See you back here in the next one!