Today we’re going to talk about The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. No, not that apocalypse, don’t get all excited and throw all your predictions about end times at me.

Relationship professional John Gottam is an expert on all things lasting connection, and he has defined the 4 most prominent nails in the coffin when it comes to break-ups and divorces- The Four Horsemen of a Relationship Apocalypse, if you will. These are dynamics I’ve encountered in my own relationships, and I’ve seen them countless times with clients. 

If you can break these bad habits and patterns, and embrace newer ones that ease rifts and distance instead of perpetuating them, you might just find yourself a love that lasts.

Cool so What are They?

They are 4 things to look out for if you want a healthy relationship in your life. This means if you’re leading with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, girl you better back the fuck up, because you’re dooming your own relationship. 

But also, let’s define these so you can stop yourself or your partner before your relationship implodes from a bomb of your own making…

• Criticism– this one is the difference between asking your partner to maybe call the next time they’re going to be late, and telling them that they are the most inconsiderate, rude person you’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing.

• Contempt– This one goes a step further. It’s if you’re downright MEAN about the lateness. You decide their lack of thoughtfulness means they’re stupid and worthless because you are lowkey resentful and have been for a while. So you feel superior to your partner and now you want them to know it. You reduce them to the smallest version of themselves, and you like it. Monster.

• Defensiveness– this one is a response to criticism, and I am very guilty of it. Turning myself into the victim is my superpower and it’s taken me a long time to give up my powers of deflection and own my part in the shit that inevitably comes up in a relationship. This would be like if you were supposed to do the dishes and your partner calls you on not doing them and you lead with the classic “to be fair, I’m just going through a lot right now, and I don’t appreciate you attacking me.” Girl, stap. 

• Stonewalling– This is in response to contempt, and instead of avoiding the situation in victimhood, you just straight up avoid it. You might physically remove yourself, or just leave the room, scroll your phone, and lowkey unintentionally gaslight your partner who is probably still struggling through sorting out YOUR mutual mess.

Alternatives to the Above Nonsense: The Bottomline

And now, my solution is not to tell you to never fight, because if you were truly in love you would just agree constantly. That’s not real life, and it’s not going to happen. Ever. Never ever. No matter who you welcome into your life, at one point or another they are going to at best annoy you and at worst infuriate you. 

If you want your relationships to stand the test of time, though- if you want love that lasts, then you’re going to have to overhaul how you fight. You shouldn’t be fighting to devastate the other person, or even to be right (I know feeling right feels great in the moment, but that feeling won’t sit with you on your deathbed).

Remember, you’re fighting for each other to fix the fact that something has happened where one or both of you is bothered or upset, and together you want to find a solution; all the while fundamentally knowing this other person probably wasn’t intentional in their actions leading up to this tense moment.

• Instead of criticizing, lead with why the situation actually makes you upset- “When you showed up late I felt really unappreciated and overlooked. Next time do you think you could try and call and give a heads up you’re running behind?” Your needs are still expressed, they’re called on their BS, but your goal here doesn’t seem to be to make them cry, which is cool.

• Instead of contempt (seriously no one should operate from this space) again, try and get your feelings across without trampling on theirs. Because they did do something you weren’t cool with and it did make you feel some type of way…but give them a chance to fix it instead of ruining them as a person. No one wins with an attitude like that.

• Instead of defensiveness, just (hard swallow) own your shit. Maybe get crazy and validate some of their underlying feelings they’re probably wrestling with… Why not be like “Ya know what, I did say I would do the dishes, and I didn’t follow through. I’m sorry- I’ve been swamped with work and I’m super tired, but I want to be someone you can count on. I’ll try to do better with follow-through.” 

• Stonewallers usually clam up during moments of deep emotion, and if you need some time alone to process that’s cool. But communicate that, don’t just dip. And for the love of god, especially if your partner is anxious, give them a time frame, and keep them updated if it changes- ya know before they start filling out the missing person’s report.

To me it seems like all of this comes down to communication, learning how to fight “well”, and putting ego aside by remembering that you’re in this together. It’s not about being right, it’s about being in a loving respectful relationship you both cultivate and care for, even during the harder moments. 

Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to connect with me more over on Instagram, I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were! Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.

And don’t forget to join my signature 12-week program, The Connected Woman, if you’re ready to go from anxious & insecure in your relationships to setting boundaries, healing yourself, and living your dream life!

See you back here in the next one!