Let’s talk changing, loves.
This all started because one of my mentors does somatic healing and feminine energetics in business. And in this feminine energetics business container that I’m part of, she asked us to name a future identity that we want to step into.
Everyone was talking about wanting to hit 20K months, or wanting to run retreats…all things based around business. And while those things are very much a focus for me too, that wasn’t what was coming through really strongly for me. Instead, when she got to me, I started having a very visceral, somatic response to the thing I had in mind; I even felt fear saying it out loud, because if I said it, I would need to commit to changing my identity. I would be held accountable to that.
The identity that I wanted to step into—and still want to step into—is the orgasmic woman. I’m changing my identity to become the woman who’s dripping wet all day.
I want to be turned on by life. I want to be present in my life. I want to have time with myself and my partner every day. I want to be so in tune with my body and what she needs and what she wants and my pussy and her desires and all of the things. So I said this out loud, and it was really scary, because I knew what would be required of me in order for me to actually start changing my identity.
This isn’t new; I’ve wanted to start changing my identity this way for quite some time now. But I’ve always been saying it and not really taking action to make it happen, to an extent. I have done a lot in terms of changing my identity, but there are certain things that I was just unwilling to do, and one of those things was giving up my vibrator.
As far as vibrators go, I use one of the corded wands. It’s basically the most intense thing you can possibly get, so there’s been a lot of desensitization, which I’m sure you can imagine. If you’re using something like that and then you try to go back to your hand, it’s not going to feel as good.
There is a point to this, I promise. Basically, I knew how I wanted to start changing my identity, and I knew the way I was desensitizing myself wasn’t going to allow that to happen. So when my mentor actually said that she wanted me to take an action that was associated with changing my identity, something that needed to be seen by people, I instantly knew exactly what I was going to do. I was going to cut the cord on my vibrator, literally and figuratively, and I was going to do it on Instagram live. That way it would be witnessed by people and I could hold myself accountable to changing my identity the way I wanted to.
I don’t like to do things halfway. I don’t want to be half-in, half-out. The identity of this woman who’s addicted to the vibrator or watches porn to sleep or to numb out, I’m fucking burning it to the ground. I’m done with it. That’s what I feel like needs to happen when you’re stepping into something new; at least, it’s what I need to do when I’m committing to changing my identity.
Now, sometimes it can be helpful to edge yourself into the new one and taper away the old one rather than quitting cold turkey. But that method of changing my identity just doesn’t do it for me. I feel like once I make a decision about something, I’m done with it.
For instance, I used to smoke cigarettes. I wasn’t smoking that much, but I’d probably go through a pack every couple of days. And one day, I just decided I was fucking done with smoking cigarettes. I smoked what was left in my pack, and I’ve never ever touched a cigarette again.
This doesn’t just apply to habits. I would be like this with men, too. In the past, I would give men so many chances, but when I was done, I was fucking done. There was absolutely nothing they could do to convince me to give them another shot. Friendships are like that, too. I can be very cutthroat in that way.
So, that’s the way changing my identity works for me. I don’t mean that in the sense of becoming a person that I’m not, I mean it in the sense of becoming the person that I am at my core. I hope that makes sense.
What’s really interesting is that these aren’t all things that started out feeling bad. Some of these things used to feel good, like using this vibrator. It just doesn’t feel good anymore. The orgasm isn’t as good, it’s not hitting the same high that it used to, and honestly? I just feel depleted afterward. I feel exhausted using it. It doesn’t align with the person that I’m becoming. It isn’t supportive of changing my identity.
I’ve really noticed this theme in my life of examining things differently—not from a really strategic, masculine angle, if that makes sense, but more in a leaned-back, observational way. When changing my identity, I step back and examine my habits, my behaviors, and the relationships that I have in my life to assess what feels good and what really doesn’t.
For instance, my eating habits have started to change, because eating junk food all the time just doesn’t feel good. It used to come from a place of trying to eat healthier, but the motivation was self-loathing. It was coming from a place of hating how I looked, so I decided to try dieting. Now, it just feels better to eat fruits and vegetables and make meals with intention.
Another example: I started doing a detox of sorts at the beginning of December. The girl that I got this from calls it a “consumption fast.” A consumption fast doesn’t have anything to do with food; it’s basically a commitment to not consuming any content, so not consuming social media or TV or podcasts or audiobooks for a certain period of time.
I want to do this because I’m looking at it with this principle of “Does this feel good?” in mind. It’s not coming from a space of deprivation, but from a space of knowing that being on Instagram and TikTok all day does not feel good.
I’ll still be posting, obviously; it’s my job. But I’m not going to be watching people’s stories. I’m not going to be interacting with people outside of my work. Mindless scrolling is just another version of numbing out, and that doesn’t align with the person that I’m becoming. The person who is in full congruence in her life does not do that.
I want to make decisions from where I want to be, not from where I am. So this is what I invite you to do: think about the person that you want to be, the relationships with partners and friends and yourself that you want to have, and then look at your life as frankly as you can. You can do this in either a very direct way by sitting down and mapping out all the different areas of your life and marking down what feels good and what doesn’t, or you can try it in a leaned-back, observational way instead. Whatever area of your life you start to pay attention to, look at what’s giving you energy and what’s actually depleting the fuck out of you. Then start to make decisions for the person that you want to be. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself later.
Be sure to connect with me over on Instagram. I’d love to hear what you thought of this post and what your major takeaways were. Or head over to my website to learn more about how we can work through your relationship journey together.
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I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”